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Subject: Yipip:the fanfic A unggoy tale


Posted by: DataBase90
I wouldn't call it fans just yet...

One thing. I just saw this thread and started reading. The very first chapter is really REALLY hard to read into, as there is just too much dialog and too little description of emotions etc.

If you really want to attract good fans, then the first chapter needs to be "perfect". A little teaser to get people to continue reading...

I STRONGLY suggest that you rewrite your first chapter.

I like the story though, but as I said. 1. Chapter = Most important. (in my opinion)


Thank you for the help and I will do what you have asked

also the first few parts of chapter one aren't so pose to have emotion from the characters as the 2 of them are old and war torn and have lost it. Its not till Zipip comes in the emotions begin. But still I do agree that I need to add more in chapter 1

  • 10.31.2010 1:45 PM PDT

EXistence PROhibited!
Feel free to join my group, the Vault of Lore

Glad to have helped. I'll check back in later.

  • 10.31.2010 2:11 PM PDT


Posted by: DataBase90
Glad to have helped. I'll check back in later.


I tried to do what I knew to

I added some extra parts
like how zipip and yipip met
and I tried adding feeling to it

I hope you enjoy.

  • 10.31.2010 3:13 PM PDT

EXistence PROhibited!
Feel free to join my group, the Vault of Lore

I haven't read it yet, but just by the looks I can tell that it's much better already.

I'll read it through again tomorrow. It's almost midnight here... Will edit this post then.

  • 10.31.2010 3:46 PM PDT

What a waste....

I just started Chapter 3. Looks like your grammar is improving.

  • 10.31.2010 4:06 PM PDT


Posted by: Nocbl2
I just started Chapter 3. Looks like your grammar is improving.


thank you im trying harder and harder to make the chapters better to gather more fans.

I edited chapter 1 to give zipip more of a back ground and to add more to yip and riz'es chat.

  • 10.31.2010 5:08 PM PDT

chapter 4 will be done soon I have just been resting and waiting for the next governor to arrive in are state.

  • 11.01.2010 7:28 PM PDT

What a waste....

Hey, want me to be your editor? I'm currently working on a story myself, but I've been taking a break.

  • 11.01.2010 9:43 PM PDT

O_O

My own editor


yes yes yes yes

thank you
But I dont want to take you from your story.

  • 11.02.2010 12:38 PM PDT

DataBase90
I finally finished chapter 4

I know the ending may be bad but it was hard to make it with quality so late at night

  • 11.03.2010 6:55 PM PDT

What a waste....

One more thing, Elites almost never work with brutes. I understand Riz is a nice guy, but that doesn't mean he isn't prone to racism.

  • 11.03.2010 8:16 PM PDT

What a waste....


Posted by: Axe11154
O_O

My own editor


yes yes yes yes

thank you
But I dont want to take you from your story.
Oh, no, it's quite alright.

  • 11.03.2010 8:16 PM PDT
Subject: [Fanfic] Yipip - An unggoy tale


Posted by: Nocbl2
One more thing, Elites almost never work with brutes. I understand Riz is a nice guy, but that doesn't mean he isn't prone to racism.


Yes he is a little but he try to under stand there ways more then get mad at them. I will soon edit chapter 4 to add some Racism. Just a little sentence so it doesn't take away from his way.


Thank you

[Edited on 11.04.2010 3:11 AM PDT]

  • 11.04.2010 3:06 AM PDT

Chapter 5
Survival is not what we do.

The shield worked. It lasted a whole 20 minutes sadly keeping us locked in it like animals in a cage but keeping us alive. We watched as the city came crumbling down around us. Bowing down to the might of Truth and the other Prophets. The glassing only lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours had past watching as fire raised around us trying to extinguish are life.

We survived and once the shield had popped we walked out to explore are new world.
It was amazing seeing the devastation close up and personal. I have always watched the Glassing of planets from a ship. Seeing as Human carriers left the planet in fear of being next. Many planets have fallen like this and this wont be the last.

The blood covered street we had once seen as a work of pure evil was turned to nothing but fire and glass. The flesh of the humans had been burnt off the bone leaving a grim reminder of the fight we were lucky enough not to of seen.

"We will set up camp now. Zipip cook some food, Donkon set up a small shelter, Boncon grab your Fuel Rod and come with me to find a radio as one may have survived" I said with a smile on my face.

The heavy's just looked at me with aw. I rarely use the names I gave them but I was in a good mood for once. The spec ops I could see were jealous of this. Probably thinking I was picking favorites.

"Grimim and Conon, turn on your cloaks and climb to the top of a building to see if there are any banshees or phantoms looking about the sky's" I said the the spec-ops trying to rid them of there jealousy

Me and Boncon walked for at most 20 minutes before we herd a weird noise.

Ringing

We ran towards the sound not knowing what it was but knowing it was a communication devise. We soon came to a tightly shut door where the ringing was coming from. I tried opening it but it wouldn't move. It must of been a human bunker. If well shut they could protect any human from a glassing. I found this out on the human planet of Harvest finding several humans still alive after the planet was glassed in one of these bunkers. They didn't live for long after we found them.

Luckily these things are easy to hack if you know where the hidden code pad is. There was normally a small button that made it come out on the left of the door.

There it is.

Once I pressed it the pad come out of the ground covered in dirt but glowing green ready for me to open the door it had locked. Just a little tinkering would open it in at most 1 minute.



As the gate opened we walked to the side of the door so any one who was inside wouldn't see us. I looked over at Boncon and he nodded his head. He jumped out with his Fuel Rod fully loaded to a room with 4 humans who where all un armed. 1 was a marine but he was critically injured missing both legs an arm and his head was completely bandaged to where he couldn't see.
Next to him was a nurse and the other 2 where children.

"Hand us that communication device" I said with Boncon wielding it pointing it towards the children.

The nurse tossed it to me and I called a random number. This thing I believe was called a cell phone. It was a way humans used to call one another for help or just to chat from far away places.

"Uvin Griscuvocern" I said. These were words of my species we deacons used to call for help. All that I had to do was keep it and they could locate us.

We backed out slowly with Boncon still pointing his Fuel Rod at them.

"Were leaving you with the door shut. You sould stay safe but you must leave the city in some way. I believe if you can find a under ground rail way you can leave the city safely." I said with a unclear smile and we left. I knew there where drones down there but from the looks of the city there artificial queen probably has shut down. If this is true they most likely committed suicide.

For the humans sakes I hope so.





We shortly came to the camp Zipip and Donkon had set up for us seeing Grimim and Conon there enjoying the food Zipip cooked. We quickly sat down to join them.

"Mission report" I said with a grim face.
"Zap-Jelly is cooked and ready for are snack and the shelters Donkon built are sturdy" Zipip spoke proudly
"We both saw large amounts of banshees flying around the area. If you called for help they will come get us out of here " Conon said with his
"We did" Boncon said with a jig in his step.

So we soon enjoyed the meal Zipip had prepared. With what he had this was very good.

"Sir while we were running up the stairs of a building we found something you may like" Grimim said smiling.

It was a book. A little dirty but I could tell it was in good condition. Bone it was called. It seemed to be a comic. A type of book Iv never gotten to hold but have seen as Brutes would draw things similar to them to make fun of elites of jackals (and even some times us).

I held it in my hand looking at the others with there big eyes. I could tell they wanted me to read to them. I opened the book and started to read.







We sat there for what seemed like hours with me reading to them till a phantom came by. We went into the beam and where lifted to a old but friendly face.


"Im sorry I forgot to give you your book back"




[Edited on 11.18.2010 5:15 PM PST]

  • 11.04.2010 2:41 PM PDT

Way too short for me to even bother discussing. A chapter should be at least a full Bungie.net post long. Two or more ideally.

Put more effort into it.

  • 11.04.2010 4:55 PM PDT

which one 2 yes is short but is just a filler. if chapter 5 its not done and I forgot to add a note saying not done.

besides that all of them are all the way down till at least 2000 or 1000 is left so I can re edit them later to fit better and make more sense.


I mean

You dont waist you all your ink when there may be something to edit in the future.


and I do add effort into it. I am simply a small writer with this being my second writing.


Posted by: Wolverfrog
Way too short for me to even bother discussing. A chapter should be at least a full Bungie.net post long. Two or more ideally.

Put more effort into it.

  • 11.04.2010 5:15 PM PDT

What a waste....


Posted by: Wolverfrog
Way too short for me to even bother discussing. A chapter should be at least a full Bungie.net post long. Two or more ideally.

Put more effort into it.
He said he didn't have Pages or Microsoft Word.

I find it hard to believe, but...

  • 11.04.2010 6:05 PM PDT

Sour0deez is the leader of the t-P-t
And Administrator of The Clan Union Group
this file is not linked to sour0deez due to technical difficulties this file is linked to MUGBEER19 also IMPORTANT here my name is sourodeez on xbox it is sour0deez

A grunt killed kat!
o_O

  • 11.04.2010 6:11 PM PDT


Posted by: SOURODEEZ
A grunt killed kat!
o_O


what no read the first few chapters and find out




then again It be funny as hell if I changed it up a little to make that happen


While yes the main character is Yipip a second hand character is Riz who in chapter 5 will not get his own part like the previous chapters.


Please read all of them and dont skip ahead or you will get lost

  • 11.05.2010 3:33 AM PDT


Posted by: Nocbl2

Posted by: Wolverfrog
Way too short for me to even bother discussing. A chapter should be at least a full Bungie.net post long. Two or more ideally.

Put more effort into it.
He said he didn't have Pages or Microsoft Word.

I find it hard to believe, but...



all I have is some weird thing called word pad. It is good to wright on and all but it has no spell check or grammar check.


Which is why Im going to try and bootleg the Microsoft word from my school.

  • 11.05.2010 3:35 AM PDT

Open Office.

Download that.

  • 11.05.2010 9:51 AM PDT
Subject: Yipip:the fanfic A unggoy tale

Sour0deez is the leader of the t-P-t
And Administrator of The Clan Union Group
this file is not linked to sour0deez due to technical difficulties this file is linked to MUGBEER19 also IMPORTANT here my name is sourodeez on xbox it is sour0deez

are you switching between charectors?
I dont remeber any elites scince chap one

  • 11.05.2010 12:48 PM PDT


Posted by: SOURODEEZ
are you switching between charectors?
I dont remeber any elites scince chap one



if you see ************************** then its switching characters. I started this in chapter 2 being thats when Yipip and Riz separated.

If you read carefully you can easily tale whos who.



and thanks wolf

but please dont leave any more hurt full comments on this thread. It makes me think sad things and ruins my train of thought and its very rude.

  • 11.05.2010 2:38 PM PDT

Giving constructive criticism isn't rude, and if you're unable to accept it then that's your failing, not mine. The simple fact of the matter is that you shouldn't post something when it's that short and expect to receive praise.

  • 11.05.2010 3:04 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

My problem is that you're using Italics to show speech, I'm so used to reading WFs, kingwrench's, and my stories I instantly think they're just pondering in their own mind, and when they have a conversation I'm like "What the hell?! Are they telepathic?!" Other than that, pretty good. :)

  • 11.05.2010 4:00 PM PDT

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