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Subject: [Novel] Halo: Phoenix's Penance (Chapter One) ~ 19th November

Posted by: Mr Evil 37
However, I would recommend that you expand upon the mercenaries character a bit and make him more interesting; he seems a little too much like the generic mercenary. But besides this, your character development was fantastic.


Just noticed this, thought I'd answer.

What we see of the mercenary in the opening chapter matches what Nile sees. He's shrouded in shadow, literally, and speaks few words.

The next chapter will build upon his character a lot more. It should be up relatively soon.

  • 11.26.2010 2:42 PM PDT

Sorry, I've been busy sledging in the snow. Enjoy it whilst it lasts and all that.

[Edited on 11.29.2010 10:56 AM PST]

  • 11.29.2010 10:56 AM PDT

The Razor.

For the honour of the Mirratord.

Sorry to be a pain, Connor, but I think you should change the title of this story. "Pheonix's Penance", while appropriate, is rather clunky and does not flow very well. Perhaps something like "Halo: From The Ashes" might be a better fit; you are keeping the phoenix metaphor, while making it flow better.

Just a suggestion.

  • 11.29.2010 1:11 PM PDT

Posted by: Mr Evil 37
Sorry to be a pain, Connor, but I think you should change the title of this story. "Pheonix's Penance", while appropriate, is rather clunky and does not flow very well. Perhaps something like "Halo: From The Ashes" might be a better fit; you are keeping the phoenix metaphor, while making it flow better.

Just a suggestion.


You are asking him to get rid of a potential Phoenix Wright reference, that is heresy.

:P

But I agree, I gave up trying to think of a new name for it, but I do not particularly like this one.

  • 12.02.2010 2:03 PM PDT

Awesome job, Wolverfrog.

[Edited on 12.22.2010 6:23 PM PST]

  • 12.22.2010 6:21 PM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Halo: Phoenix's Penance (Prologue) ~ 18th November

"The prologue and Chapter 1 should have been switched, but good job anyway. I love it."

I disagree. The prologue foreshadows the events to come and is a good example of Brechtian structure.

  • 12.22.2010 6:22 PM PDT

Precisely. It wouldn't make sense if I swapped them around because the next few chapters will go on to explain what happened and develop the character a little.

I am still working on this by the way, it's just that the next chapter might take a while due to me being busy and only having time for True Sangheili right now.

  • 12.23.2010 4:51 AM PDT
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Bungie.net member Since 2001

"A hero need not speak. When he is gone, the world will speak for him"
"You are the last of your kind: bred for combat, built for war. You're the master of any weapon, pilot of any vehicle, and fear no enemy"

Very nice, looking forward to read more.

  • 02.03.2011 12:40 PM PDT

~I blame Stosh. Why? .......Dunno either.
XLS Thunderstom--
Legendary Spec Ops
-- Godz of Tactical Combat

I am a Lone Wolf of Reach's Ruins. I am in a Team, and I will listen; although when I can, I go my own way, and lead my own way. When the situation calls, I will do as ordered.
Only when I must.

Ahh, Wolverfrog - best known fanfic writer on this bungie gallery. Not sure, but heck, thats how I see it. I love his books. Amazing.

(Wolver could probably write a one word book that would get pinned because it says Wolverfrog. ^_^)

[Edited on 02.03.2011 4:16 PM PST]

  • 02.03.2011 2:54 PM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Halo: Phoenix's Penance (Prologue) ~ 18th November

No new games, catching up with the world, and filling it with the name of SpazDragon, the dragon with a spas-12.

I just had an awesome-gasm.

I've always been interested in the Insurrectionists ever since I read Halo: the Cole Protocol. I always thought of them of terrorists anyway.

I guess in their eyes they see the UNSC as an overruling dictatorship who needed to be stopped.

I'd hate to be a marine in that building right now.

  • 02.03.2011 4:06 PM PDT

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