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  • Subject: [Story] ODST: Reach Resurrection
Subject: [Story] ODST: Reach Resurrection

I'm takin' another crack at Halo fanfiction. This is the beginning to the story i am currently working on and was hoping to get some comments on whether it's good now and i should continue posting or if i should get back to working on it and fixing it. Enjoy
August 22, 2677
"Alright, listen up. Insurrectionists have the guts to attempt to take Reach.Now, we aren't going to let them have it! Our mission is to drop into an old ship boneyard and we should land right into and insurrectionist camp. We hit the ground running there and we'll take them out from the inside." Sergeant Reilly stated.

His ODSTs stood around him, some had their helmets on and some didn't. One's helmet had a devil's face painted on it. He was known as Helljumper.To most, he was the definition of ODST, fearless, courageous, and extremely deadly. "Those bastards won't know what hit them." Helljumper says in his deep voice.

"Ooh rah." Eagle Eye, the team's sniper, chimes in.

"Alright, let's get to our pods." Reilly orders.

Five ODST troopers walk over to their drop pods and strap themselves in. "Saddle up boys, we're dropping in five." Buzz yells in excitement.

"Let's go!" Physco yells.

The UNSC Prowler activates camoflauge systems and proceeds to drop the five drop pods into hell. The small pods enter the planet's atmosphere and they light up like fireworks. "Activate airbrakes now!" Reilly orders. "Helljumper, your airbrakes just failed."

"Damn failure. I'm going in hard!" Helljumper replies. "Screw this!"

Helljumper blows open his door, jumps out, and activates his jetpack. The heat begins to burn through his boots and armor and the jetpack doesn't have enough power to slow him down enough. The pack overheats twenty feet to the ground and hits the ground with a bone shattering thud. The fall knocks him out cold and causes severe injuries. The squad hits near him within milliseconds and rushes to his aid. "He's still alive, barely." Physco, the medic, informs.

"Physco, get him medical attention ASAP." Buzz, you and Eagle work out a perimeter. I'm going to figure out where we are and get a Medivac here as soon as possible." Reilly says.

The ODSTs landed on a barren prairie with a small cliff to one side.Though Reach was glassed a mere century ago, the wildlife returned quickly.

"Physco, get a foxhole dug up." Reilly says, throwing him a shovel.

  • 12.01.2010 6:43 PM PDT

Two main things:
-Stop switching between present and past tense. Keep the entire thing in the past.
-Also, put the speaker before what he/she says. Not after.
Try to mix this up a bit.
Things were a bit repetitive:

...Sergeant Reilly stated.
...Helljumper says.
...Eagle Eye chimes in.
...Reilly orders.
...Buzz yells.
...Physco yells
...Reilly orders
...Helljumper replies

"The heat begins to burn through his boots and armor and the jetpack doesn't have enough power to slow him down enough."
... (minimum)
"The heat began to burn through his boots and armor and the jetpack didn't have enough power to slow him down."
... (maybe)
"The jet-pack's exhaust was beginning to melt his boot's armor, but was still unable to slow his descent sufficiently."

I'm not going to critique the content, as that's subjective.

Just work on your English.
Good luck. :)

[Edited on 12.01.2010 7:39 PM PST]

  • 12.01.2010 7:26 PM PDT


Posted by: chimitos
Two main things:
-Stop switching between present and past tense. Keep the entire thing in the past.
-Also, put the speaker before what he/she says. Not after.
Try to mix this up a bit.
Things were a bit repetitive:

...Sergeant Reilly stated.
...Helljumper says.
...Eagle Eye chimes in.
...Reilly orders.
...Buzz yells.
...Physco yells
...Reilly orders
...Helljumper replies

"The heat begins to burn through his boots and armor and the jetpack doesn't have enough power to slow him down enough."
... (minimum)
"The heat began to burn through his boots and armor and the jetpack didn't have enough power to slow him down."
... (maybe)
"The jet-pack's exhaust was beginning to melt his boot's armor, but was still unable to slow his descent sufficiently."

I'm not going to critique the content, as that's subjective.

Just work on your English.
Good luck. :)

  • 12.01.2010 7:40 PM PDT

Thanks, that helps out a lot

  • 12.02.2010 3:36 PM PDT

Ditto to the second poster. Also, the one who's name is Physco, I think Psycho is what you meant, but you just misspelled it.

  • 12.03.2010 9:27 AM PDT