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This topic has moved here: Subject: [FF] Halo: Glass (prologue is out!)
  • Subject: [FF] Halo: Glass (prologue is out!)
Subject: [FF] Halo: Glass (prologue is out!)

Games I like:,
Half-Minute Hero
MBU
Portal
Halo 3 is the best Halo ever
Maps I like: Turf, Avalanche, Pylon, Sandbox, Breakpoint and many more.

Well, after finally reading First strike, I think I can write a good FF. I will be dedicating about 2 days a week onto this. I have a rough idea where this story goes, so bear with me if some parts are short. Any feedback would be appricated.


Chapter list:
Prolouge


Prologue:


0558 hours, October 22, 2552 (Military calendar) / Sydney, Australia, Earth, ONI HQ courtyard

"So, you hear about Reach?"
"Who hasn't? The whole damn world is freakin' out. Earth is next, according to those ONI spooks".

Paul Simmons checked his MA15 for the 100th time that morning. It was times like these that made a person feel bored. What could he do, sitting on Earth while the Covenant did who knows what off-system? Instantly his mind flashed back to Harvest. Shuddering, he blocked those thoughts out; they brought back too many painful memories. He looked at his close friend, Robert Adams. He knew him from childhood; they had enlisted together on Earth. Robert was a professional in his line of work: demolition. While Robert had never seen a planet get glassed, he knew that it was terrfying. Paul was not as lucky, having seen Harvest get glassed by the Covenant onslaught.

As he contemplated his past, the early morning sun rose and cast a shadow over the tall, hexagonal ONI building. The courtyard was built for defense: It had an arrange of AA turrets and weapon stocks on certain key points along the long narrow pathways. Robert gave Paul a nudge as dull red lights lit up the small area. Sighing, Paul followed Robert into the enourmous mouth of the ONI building.

They joined a large group of Marines inside the bluish domed hall. Straining his neck, Paul could just make out an ONI official, talking into a megaphone. "Marines, a few minutes ago we got word of a Covenant fleet near Io. They are sitting just outside of shooting range like the cowards they are." A large gasp erupted across the crowd, followed by jeers at Covenant species. "Now, You remember what they did to our colonies? How they mercilessly burned our planets until they were no more than broken glass? I don't know about you, but after what they did to Reach, I think its time to show those damned alien bastards that humanity can put up a good fight!" More cheers sounded throughout the hall. Hope surged in Paul. "Earth is our last stronghold; our last hope of ever winning this war. If those split-lipped freaks touch our surface, they won't know what hit 'em! Your job is to defend this city if they do get through. The fate of humanity relies on you Marines. So get tactical, and get ready to defend your species!" Cheers exploded throughout the crowd. Cheering, Paul could see the ONI official talking on his ear phone. A grin spread across his face. Grinning, the official shouted through the mega-phone; "Marines, we have gotten our first visuals on the covenant fleet!"

View screens flickered to life across the hall, showing the vast enemy fleet. Several screens zoomed in on the human fleet, which was alligned to face the oncoming vessels. As the firsts shots fired from the Super-MACs hit an Assualt carrier, marines throughout the hall whooped with delight. A lone frigate swiveled around the fleet, firing their payload on the vessels shields. A corvette went down in flames, but the battle was only begging. The fleet leader, a Large Assualt Carrier, fired its aft weapons towards an UNSC Destroyer. Longswords flew through the fleets to engage oncoming Seraphs. In a few minutes, the Covenant fleet had been knocked down to half. The battle seemed won. Victory was so close.

All hope was gone when several Covenant cruisers smashed through a Super-MAC platform and headed to the surface.

[Edited on 06.01.2011 10:54 PM PDT]

  • 05.31.2011 1:25 AM PDT
Subject: [FF] Halo: Glass (prolouge is out!)

Its very well written. Keep up the good work.

  • 05.31.2011 4:55 AM PDT

-Gr33n Knight

My stories:

Streams of Fire

Jiralhanae

Sounds good so far, although I'm wondering about how only one of the two friends could have seen a glassing, as they seem to have been together since enlisting.

The books were my inspiration for Fanfiction too, but it was Wolverfrog's 'Insurrection' that pushed me to actually start writing it. I would suggest looking around on the forums to see what works for other writers, there are also some great pieces here, most of them still being finished, some just getting started.

With the prologue, I would suggest adding a little more detail, setting up the scene a little better, so the reader doesn't have to piece together the backdrop. For example, we don't know what the size of the Human fleet was, or how large compared to that of the Covenant, other than the fact that the Covenant's force was seemingly small.

Be wary of cliffhangers as well, as there is a fine line between suspense, and dropping the reader off unexpectedly. I would suggest building up to the end a little more in the future. The Carrier breaking through was sudden, but perhaps the battle could have been described in greater detail, in order to create a greater shock. More detail can draw the reader into the battle, making them want the UNSC to win, rather than simply read that they won. When the Carrier arrives after, there is a more emotional response, making the shock of the carrier more potent, and making the reader more inclined to read the rest of the story.

Of course, the greatest way to learn is to do. Most of what I know about writing comes from my own fanfiction work, and the responses I get to it, and I still have a lot to learn.

I'll be sure to keep an eye on this story.


PS: Four days a week!?

  • 05.31.2011 8:58 PM PDT

Games I like:,
Half-Minute Hero
MBU
Portal
Halo 3 is the best Halo ever
Maps I like: Turf, Avalanche, Pylon, Sandbox, Breakpoint and many more.

In answernto your first question, they got split up after boot camp.

Yes, I do need to explain more. I'll delve more into detail in the first chapter.

The original text was more dramatic and left an important cliffhanger, but alas it was lost due to an Internet lag.

I'm not spending 4 days, I've decided to use 1-2 days a week on it.

  • 06.01.2011 12:56 AM PDT

Games I like:,
Half-Minute Hero
MBU
Portal
Halo 3 is the best Halo ever
Maps I like: Turf, Avalanche, Pylon, Sandbox, Breakpoint and many more.

Chapter 1 should be out in a few days

  • 06.01.2011 2:33 AM PDT

Pretty good. Remember to always start a new line when dialogue is spoken. No two speakers should be on the same line. A few grammatical errors ('couldn't help himself from being bored' doesn't make sense) and some sentences that could be reworked, but nothing major. And I can't really see someone grinning as a Covenant fleet which has destroyed countless human colonies in thirty years approaches the final bastion.

But all in all, nice one. Best of luck with writing more.

(oh, and it's 'prologue.')

  • 06.01.2011 3:10 AM PDT
Subject: [FF] Halo: Glass (prologue is out!)

Games I like:,
Half-Minute Hero
MBU
Portal
Halo 3 is the best Halo ever
Maps I like: Turf, Avalanche, Pylon, Sandbox, Breakpoint and many more.

Cant write next chapter for a few more days. I am currently using an old laptop thatmy friend lent me.

  • 06.03.2011 9:53 PM PDT