- OfTheBloodguard
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- Fabled Heroic Member
The tide is turning, brothers! Let us take our kingdom back!
Posted by: Hayabusawarrior
Damn, been trying to read over my works alot, but I dont seem to be succeeding.I can give you a hand if you want.
"Get that Rhino to the East side of the complex."East doesn't need a capital; it's a direction, not a place.
"Yes sir, but the amount of rubble will takes us a bit."I think you mean take us a bit to clear/get past.
"Just get it done, we dont have much time."An apostrophe for don't.
Wade wasn't to happy about the current situation.There should be two o's in too. You could possibly want to change the to their as well, but that's up to you.
Diligence was an ONI ship and they should have finished the mission ONI assigned: getting the rhinos down to Australia for testing.Diligence should be in italics, seeing it's a ship's name. Rhinos should have a capital, seeing it's a vehicle name.
Also, your sentence kind of lacks wording. ..."finished the mission that ONI assigned:" Maybe, if you were to put a few more words so it reads a wee bit like this: "...finished the mission that ONI had assigned them:" Or something. I'm not too sure on that one.
However Harper had ordered that the ship to assist in civilian evacuation of Mombasa, and Talon was more than happy to do comply.Comma after however, seeing it's a conjunction. And I think you should put a was in the sentence after ship, so it reads as follows: "...the ship was to assist in the civilian..."
Also, get rid of the do before comply.
Currently they were on the northern outskirts of Old Mombasa, were any remaining civilians had been moved to. The old city had partially been destroyed during the slipspace jump of Regret's carrier, but the new portion of the city was to hot for an evac site.where* too* (once again, two o's in too.
"Status report" Wade called over the inter-comm.There needs to be some sort of punctuation at the end of the spoken phrase. You need either a comma or an exclamation point. Comma if he isn't yelling, or exclamation point if he is.
The reply came: Rhino 1 was in position, with the second one he just ordered to move to the [/u]East on the way. Teams Alpha, Charlie, Delta, and Foxtrot were stationed. Bravo team was repositioning due to a structures collapse, while Echo still hadn't reached its position.Change with to and, and add a was between east (remember, east doesn't need a capital) and on. Team needs a captial, seeing it's part of a title/name, and structure's needs an apostrophe.
The marines originally stationed on Diligence were managing the Rhinos, which the new model made room for a third person for increased targeting capabilities. Four of the squads were marines deployed late in the battle to help in this specific engagement. The other two, Alpha and Delta, were regrouped ODST that had landed in Old Mombasa after the drop-gone-wrong on Regret's carrier.Change your sentence so it reads, "...managing the new model of Rhinos, which made room for a third person for increased targeting capabilites." There's more than one ODST you're talking about in your sentence. If there's more than one ODST, change it to ODSTs. Put a lower case s, seeing ODST is an acronym.
"Hawkeye, this is team Delta, covenant troops advancing from the south. Scouting party probably, consist of a wraith, two ghost, and about five infantry squads."Team needs a capital, seeing it's part of their squad name. Covenant needs a capital, seeing it's a name. Consist should be consisting. Wraith needs a capital, as does Ghost, seeing they're vehicle names.
"Affirmative Delta," Wade replied. His code name was Hawkeye and he was the field commander of this op. "This is for real men. R1, link up with the Osprey and get a fix on that wraith. Delta, use your SPNKr on the ghost. Then mop up."Only the one wee mistake here. Other than that, nice. You could use a comma after affirmative, though, but that's up to you.
"Affirmative targeting wraith." "Affirmative also, waiting for Rhino." Came the replies.Same deal here. Also, if your spoken phrase with something like this:
"...replied Hawkeye."
...then don't use a full stop, use a comma or something that fits the sentence. Also, the word following the spoken phrase (in this case, it's came) shouldn't have a capital.
23 seconds after the last transmition, the Rhino fired, hit its target and blew the Wraith into oblivion. Immediately following that, rockets were fired, one hitting its target. Then came various fire from two positions. The advancing troops were also in Charlie team's perimeter, causing an even quicker takedown.This could use some more descriptive wording, but I won't go into that unless you want me to.
The covenant, with a belly full of lead and a pool of their own blood to drown in, were all taken down mines a few grunts scattering in fear. However one ghost had survived, and was driving back in the direction it came. The scouting party had succeeded.Should be minus. I'm sure that was an accident though. Grunts needs a capital, so does Ghost.
The next 15 minutes went without incident and large number of civilians were loaded on. A few banshees came a little to close and were shot down by anti-air turret the teams had set up. If they survived for another 15 minutes, they would be flying out of the area with a large number of civilians saved.Banshees needs a capital. Turrets is a plural, so it needs an s at the end. That is, of course, if they set up more than one AA turret. If not, then you should place the word an before anti-air, so it reads: "...were shot down by an anti-air turret"...
Talon was monitoring air traffic from the bridge, when suddenly multiple spots appeared on the edge of the display.
He immediately reported this to Wade, "We got multiple bogies coming in from the West."
Wade immediately replied, "Damn, I was hoping this would be easy. Reroute a few hornets to our position."Hornets.
"I dont know if you realize this, but were at war, and all UNSC forces are engaged or retreating." Talon transmitted.Both highlighted words need apostrophes. Also, remember, no full stops at the end of the spoken phrase if you have something after it. Comma, or something more fitting.
And, while we're at it... you could use an either in your sentence, so it reads as follows: "...and all UNSC forces are either engaged or retreating!"
"Well get on the command net and tell them that if we dont get aircraft, Diligence wont be taking any civies out." Was Wades response. Dumbasses he though, no one was any help these days.For future reference, thoughts should be written in italics. Dumbasses needs a comma. And you've got a tense error too. If that's a continuation of his thought, then was is the wrong tense (past, not present.) You should use is instead. But if it wasn't, then don't use these days (that'd still be a tense error), just say, "No one was any help to him anymore."
While Talon tried accessing the command net, Wade was hurrying to reposition the squads. Originally they had been stationed with a squad in each relative corner with two on the East and ]Southern sides. With the new contacts to the West, he reposition to reinforce the west side.Repositioned some of his squads*
Suddenly 3 phantoms and a half a dozen banshees bore down from the West. The AA turret opened fire on the fire, managing to hit a phantom a few times causing it to crash. It managed to take down another banshee before getting hit. Now it was flaming and useless. The other phantoms proceeded to deploy there squads in the North corner, by Foxtrot team along with 2 wraiths.A comma after suddenly. Was that second fire that I highlighted supposed to be a different word? Apart from there needing to be changed to be their, the rest just needs more capitals.
One of the wraiths was hit by a Rhino. Other fell behind cover and proceed to fire upon the Foxtrots position. The other banshees began to perform strafing runs on the other groups, loosing two more to SPNKr missiles. One of the banshees hit went down on the west side, coming apart and scattering debris everywhere.Foxtrot's needs an apostrophe. And change "Banshees hit" to "Banshees that was hit".
Immediately following that, a panic-stricken solider got on the radio, "This is Echo team, we got 1 man wounded, and 2 men KIA along with the captain. They're buried under debris from that banshee."Capitals, my man.
"Take the wounded and get out of there" Wade ordered.Comma at end of spoken phrase.
"Vehicles advancing from the south," Another call came over the radio, "Multiple ghost and revenant along with two shadows"Dun need capital for another. If the same person picks up their sentence, it doesn't need a capital. For example: "Why hello there," said the boy, "what's your name?"
Ghosts and Revenants are plurals in your sentence, so they need an s at the end to show that. Also, Shadows needs a full stop after it, seeing it's the end of the sentence.
*continues next post*
[Edited on 06.20.2011 6:22 AM PDT]