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Subject: *MY* idea for Halo 4's story *LONG READ!*


Posted by: dibbs089
From a writing perspective, it shows promise. Things aren't just happening, but there is a clear cause and effect designed to advance the plot in a meaningful way. The overall story is relatively uninspired, but it's clear that you know how to construct one so that it makes sense.

You say that this is only a small part of what you wrote, so it really is pointless to critique right now. I suggest you work harder on the story, flesh out the details, and get rethink some plot points (Flood vaccination is kinda weak - they are supposed to be a timeless foe; an eternal enemy. Besides if you kill it will the equivalent of medication, there is no grand final battle to be had. Cortana going rampant and attacking them I just dislike because it too closely mirrors Mendicant's story - we've already seen it). After you do this, post the story in the Gallery where it belongs. You probably won't get many replies, but the ones you do will most likely be worth it (also don't bump your story like a needy child if you don't get a reply within 10 minutes)

As for the petty little argument you and Grey were having...

Rebellions have happened numerous times within the Covenant. You have Tartarus overthrowing his uncle to gain leadership of the Brutes in Contact Harvest, the Heretics in Halo 2, finally the Elites themselves in Halo 3. The Covenant, throughout it's existence was an organization ready to implode (it was based on conquering and a caste system), and the OP's reasoning behind the uprising on the ship (desire for power) is a sufficient enough explanation.



thanks for the very valuable feedback. and i technically did post this on the gallery, but it was just a link to this page, and i really didnt want to retype it out.

  • 07.02.2011 11:31 PM PDT

The Forerunner, the Great Journey, and Heaven Theory

[Announcement Trailer] Halo: Forerunner

Posted by: Agustus
I lol'd at the absurd miscommunication that occurs whenever dibbs post something. Perhaps his brain is so highly evolved that he can no longer clearly communicate with lesser life forms, even among his own species.

Posted by: DethMerchant
thanks for the very valuable feedback. and i technically did post this on the gallery, but it was just a link to this page, and i really didnt want to retype it out.
You said somewhere in this thread that this is only a small part of your entire story. Post your entire story on the Gallery. It may take more than one post, but you're allowed to do that (Example).

  • 07.02.2011 11:34 PM PDT


Posted by: dibbs089
Posted by: DethMerchant
thanks for the very valuable feedback. and i technically did post this on the gallery, but it was just a link to this page, and i really didnt want to retype it out.
You said somewhere in this thread that this is only a small part of your entire story. Post your entire story on the Gallery. It may take more than one post, but you're allowed to do that (Example).


it would take me several days to find, edit, and type though lol and about the earlier stated Cortana going rampant, that is mainly a way to show she is near death (because she is nowhere near as sophisticated as Mend. Bias, therefore she wont last nearly aslong), and that she has lost all control. the story to me is mainly about chiefs attempt to save her, which is actually his only goal from the get go.

  • 07.02.2011 11:40 PM PDT

The Forerunner, the Great Journey, and Heaven Theory

[Announcement Trailer] Halo: Forerunner

Posted by: Agustus
I lol'd at the absurd miscommunication that occurs whenever dibbs post something. Perhaps his brain is so highly evolved that he can no longer clearly communicate with lesser life forms, even among his own species.

Posted by: DethMerchant
Posted by: dibbs089
You said somewhere in this thread that this is only a small part of your entire story. Post your entire story on the Gallery. It may take more than one post, but you're allowed to do that (Example).


it would take me several days to find, edit, and type though lol
If you're interested in writing wouldn't that be worth it? If you're just going to halfheartedly transcribe your story so that it will fit on one page you're wasting both my time and yours.


Posted by: DethMerchant

Posted by: dibbs089
[quote]Posted by: DethMerchant
thanks for the very valuable feedback. and i technically did post this on the gallery, but it was just a link to this page, and i really didnt want to retype it out.
You said somewhere in this thread that this is only a small part of your entire story. Post your entire story on the Gallery. It may take more than one post, but you're allowed to do that (Example) about the earlier stated Cortana going rampant, that is mainly a way to show she is near death (because she is nowhere near as sophisticated as Mend. Bias, therefore she wont last nearly aslong), and that she has lost all control. the story to me is mainly about chiefs attempt to save her, which is actually his only goal from the get go.
I've been on this forum for a while, so my opinions are probably jaded. From what I've seen "rampancy" is a sort of catch word that people who don't know the story very well cling to in order to explain events they don't really understand. Regardless, rampancy will be fleshed out in Mendicant's story over the course of the next two Forerunner books. You owe it to yourself not to recycle a plot element.

As for your last sentence, Halo is a lot of things for a lot of people. The story, to me, was always about inventing unique explanations to fundamental human questions - who are are, why we're here, what our role is in the grand scheme of things. It's also about reinterpreting widely read texts (the Bible being one of them) and offering new explanations for things (the flood, the ark, etc.). Your view of the Halo story is not wrong, but I'd argue it is very limiting from a writers perspective.

  • 07.02.2011 11:50 PM PDT


Posted by: dibbs089
Posted by: DethMerchant
Posted by: dibbs089
You said somewhere in this thread that this is only a small part of your entire story. Post your entire story on the Gallery. It may take more than one post, but you're allowed to do that (Example).


it would take me several days to find, edit, and type though lol
If you're interested in writing wouldn't that be worth it? If you're just going to halfheartedly transcribe your story so that it will fit on one page you're wasting both my time and yours.


Posted by: DethMerchant

Posted by: dibbs089
[quote]Posted by: DethMerchant
thanks for the very valuable feedback. and i technically did post this on the gallery, but it was just a link to this page, and i really didnt want to retype it out.
You said somewhere in this thread that this is only a small part of your entire story. Post your entire story on the Gallery. It may take more than one post, but you're allowed to do that (Example) about the earlier stated Cortana going rampant, that is mainly a way to show she is near death (because she is nowhere near as sophisticated as Mend. Bias, therefore she wont last nearly aslong), and that she has lost all control. the story to me is mainly about chiefs attempt to save her, which is actually his only goal from the get go.
I've been on this forum for a while, so my opinions are probably jaded. From what I've seen "rampancy" is a sort of catch word that people who don't know the story very well cling to in order to explain events they don't really understand. Regardless, rampancy will be fleshed out in Mendicant's story over the course of the next two Forerunner books. You owe it to yourself not to recycle a plot element.


well cortana is dying by thinking herself to death, i just figured rampancy would be a much better phrase then severe system error. though that is the one part i struggled on the most. i guess i could reword her to be corrupt, and the ships power failure to have a hand in it

  • 07.02.2011 11:56 PM PDT

The Forerunner, the Great Journey, and Heaven Theory

[Announcement Trailer] Halo: Forerunner

Posted by: Agustus
I lol'd at the absurd miscommunication that occurs whenever dibbs post something. Perhaps his brain is so highly evolved that he can no longer clearly communicate with lesser life forms, even among his own species.

Posted by: DethMerchant
well cortana is dying by thinking herself to death, i just figured rampancy would be a much better phrase then severe system error. though that is the one part i struggled on the most. i guess i could reword her to be corrupt, and the ships power failure to have a hand in it
From what I gather, you're using Cortana's rampancy as an explanation for there actually being an enemy in the game to fight (besides the standard enemy- the Flood). It's an attempt at something new, which is nice, but you're using a plot element really for the sake of gameplay as opposed to making a unique and relevant addition to the story. I think that's a mistake a lot of video game writers make (it's really difficult to balance story with gameplay) but you should strive to overcome it; not fall victim to it.

It's your story, but I'd ask you to trust me when I say rampancy is overdone. Cortana is a special A.I; special in a way that has yet to be reveled. If you're going to relegate her to rampancy, there needs to be a point for it - a way for her to grow as a character and to introduce a new plot element or elaborate on an old one (For example, a explanation as to what rampancy is and why she specifically can overcome it; her rampancy being due to her merging with Mendicant Bias and a unique version of the two forming after it is over). Think of something original (what a good writer must do) and always keep thinking (about every decision) "What's is the point of this; does it advance the story and does it connect to everything else or not?"

  • 07.03.2011 12:13 AM PDT

We believe that the universe is unbounded: this is not the same as infinite: the 2-D surface of a sphere, wrapped around a 3rd dimension, has a finite size, but has no end. If you start off in a given direction on the surface of a sphere, you could return to your start point without having to turn around -- you simply go all the way around. But wouldn't that mean the universe has an escape velocity like the earth?


Posted by: dibbs089
Posted by: DethMerchant
well cortana is dying by thinking herself to death, i just figured rampancy would be a much better phrase then severe system error. though that is the one part i struggled on the most. i guess i could reword her to be corrupt, and the ships power failure to have a hand in it
From what I gather, you're using Cortana's rampancy as an explanation for there actually being an enemy in the game to fight (besides the standard enemy- the Flood). It's an attempt at something new, which is nice, but you're using a plot element really for the sake of gameplay as opposed to making a unique and relevant addition to the story. I think that's a mistake a lot of video game writers make (it's really difficult to balance story with gameplay) but you should strive to overcome it; not fall victim to it.

It's your story, but I'd ask you to trust me when I say rampancy is overdone. Cortana is a special A.I; special in a way that has yet to be reveled. If you're going to relegate her to rampancy, there needs to be a point for it - a way for her to grow as a character and to introduce a new plot element or elaborate on an old one (For example, a explanation as to what rampancy is and why she specifically can overcome it; her rampancy being due to her merging with Mendicant Bias and a unique version of the two forming after it is over). Think of something original (what a good writer must do) and always keep thinking (about every decision) "What's is the point of this; does it advance the story and does it connect to everything else or not?"

To not note that the reader has crudely left out the 4th stage of Rampancy known as Metastability on Reach, to her extensive knowledge on the Haloverse. To use rampancy and ignore this fact is a critical issue. Metastability is when an AI recovers from rampancy, but rather than going back to be a normal AI, surpasses that and some would then consider an AI to be a true person. There are no AIs confirmed to be metastable, however this is subject to change if required, with Mendicant Bias and Cortana as the most likely potential candidates.

Of course, there is her 7 year lifespan. That is not a hard limit as we know. Emotion, as i remember from an AI is one way to cut matrices and extend lifespan to an extent. Origins, although a lower form of canon also depicts Cortana falling into rampancy, this is where we see her at her 7th year, in the year 2556, 6-7 years from her original creation date on November 7th, 2549. The reason I bring this up, is because I need to show why 343s new story arc is so important, Halo 4. this is where the test of her 7 year lifespan is done, should H4 be set in 2556, coinciding with the end of Origins.

Almost forgot, the Case of Kalmiya. Beginning service in 2536-37? (cite source), and ending service in 2552, after the fail-safe on Kalmiya was activated by Halsey, much like she did with Ackersons AI, Araquiel. She was Cortanas sibling, her "older sister".

~B2

P.S. feel free to correct me, im tired as heck xD.

[Edited on 07.03.2011 1:56 AM PDT]

  • 07.03.2011 1:28 AM PDT

There is no problem that cannot be solved with a shotgun, or a flamethrower, or a spartan laser, or a... you know what? Never mind.

Back to the whole "cortana went missing" thing watch the actual trailer. She is the one who woke up mc, and she was with him at the end of the trailer.

  • 07.03.2011 4:35 AM PDT

Thomas steels

I'm sorry but I have read every post between you and Grey who are arguing about your plot line and I have to say I hate the fact that you think you can take the Halo storyline that has been worked on for many years and then you come up with your "theory" for halo 4 and you think its better than anything Bungie has worked on for over a decade, you say your not cocky but you cockyness stems beyond the known universe, even the forerunners coulnd't find the edge, I mean the precursors were struggling.
Damn I've never heard someone say they made the halo story better than bungie, its pissed me off to be honest.

[Edited on 07.03.2011 8:34 AM PDT]

  • 07.03.2011 8:34 AM PDT


Posted by: Tijenater
Back to the whole "cortana went missing" thing watch the actual trailer. She is the one who woke up mc, and she was with him at the end of the trailer.


dude you didnt even bother to read the whole thing did you? this was a fan written depiction of what i wanted halo 4n to be 2 years ago. i just felt like sharing, and you ofcourse didnt even read it. i know all about the damn trailer. this wasnt meant to be anything like the trailer. my story is actually a tad more plausible than 343's little trailer. i wonder how they are going to explain that -blam!- up armor.

  • 07.03.2011 10:05 AM PDT


Posted by: ODSTsteels
I'm sorry but I have read every post between you and Grey who are arguing about your plot line and I have to say I hate the fact that you think you can take the Halo storyline that has been worked on for many years and then you come up with your "theory" for halo 4 and you think its better than anything Bungie has worked on for over a decade, you say your not cocky but you cockyness stems beyond the known universe, even the forerunners coulnd't find the edge, I mean the precursors were struggling.
Damn I've never heard someone say they made the halo story better than bungie, its pissed me off to be honest.


i have already messaged you on your mistake, but i thought i was post it here again, just so noone else comes to this wrong conclusion: i never said anything about being able to make a better story than bungie. i did say i could most likely do better than 343. where does a new suit coming out of nowhere meet with tht canon? that being said, it was an honest mistake, and aslong as you own up to it like a man, i wont flame you on it

  • 07.03.2011 10:07 AM PDT

Good job on putting this all together, but around the 3rd paragraph is just became a little much to process and I had stop reading.

  • 07.03.2011 10:14 AM PDT

just so there is no confusion: please read the disclaimer, and remember this is a fan written article. i know there will be several ignorant people coming in here citing the trailer and saying im wrong. those guys will be idiots who dont possess the ability to read. just read the whole thing before u comment, disclaimer and story.

  • 07.03.2011 10:14 AM PDT


Posted by: MBarber244
Good job on putting this all together, but around the 3rd paragraph is just became a little much to process and I had stop reading.


lol thanks, and i tried to make it as little info to take in as possible.i guess it still is a tad much to take in

  • 07.03.2011 10:15 AM PDT

The Forerunner, the Great Journey, and Heaven Theory

[Announcement Trailer] Halo: Forerunner

Posted by: Agustus
I lol'd at the absurd miscommunication that occurs whenever dibbs post something. Perhaps his brain is so highly evolved that he can no longer clearly communicate with lesser life forms, even among his own species.

Posted by: DethMerchant
my story is actually a tad more plausible than 343's little trailer. i wonder how they are going to explain that -blam!- up armor.
Do not make the mistake of thinking your writing or story is more plausible or better written than those that do this for a living. It isn't.

  • 07.03.2011 12:03 PM PDT

@accordingto343

Your one stop shop for all of 343's fabulous errors and ridiculous notions in the Halo lore.

I thought that was pretty bad writing, but I'll post why later.

  • 07.03.2011 12:07 PM PDT


Posted by: DecepticonCobra
I thought that was pretty bad writing, but I'll post why later.


im pretty sure you missed all the parts where i said this was a quickly typed summary. and im pretty sure ill just overlook your "reasons". and i didnt post this for my writing skills, so they shouldnt even be on trial here

  • 07.03.2011 12:31 PM PDT


Posted by: dibbs089
Posted by: DethMerchant
my story is actually a tad more plausible than 343's little trailer. i wonder how they are going to explain that -blam!- up armor.
Do not make the mistake of thinking your writing or story is more plausible or better written than those that do this for a living. It isn't.


its just about as plausible as anything else. did you really find his armor change and cortana's suddenly new look canon? those will be the first things flamed by fans of the halo story. they would have to have a damned good explaination for how cortana and chief changed so radically in such a short amount of time, WHILE the chief was in cryosleep. and if it turned out to be a long time they would have to explain just exactly how Cortana survived outside her lifespan like she did. this quickly written summary is no depiction on who i am as a writer. i have atteneded college level writing classes, so i believe i could do damn well

  • 07.03.2011 12:37 PM PDT

"Find where the liar hides, so that I may place my boot between his gums!" - Rtas 'Vadum

Posted by: DethMerchant
One year before the events of Halo Combat Evolved: A covenant corvette seeking out new forerunner worlds strikes out into deep space. As they get farther out into space, a few of the crew plan to overthrow the shipmaster, in the hopes that if they do discover some amazingly powerful forerunner tech, they coulod use it to control the very covenant itself.

I'm not sure about the motivations of this mutiny. Rebellions to seize absolute control of the Covenant for the sake of power have never been seen nor would they make a whole lot of sense given the way the clergy is structured. (The Prophets being the sole messengers of the gods)

As I said, the Prophets are meant to be the sole messengers of the Forerunners. No other race has that privilege. If one wanted to overthrow the Prophets, then they would not only have to be sure that they could defeat the Prophets but also be sure that their gods will be pleased with that. (This is all subjectively speaking from the Covenant point of view) Maybe a lot of people are angry at the Prophets, but I bet most of them will not dare to overthrow them because they know that the Forerunners view them as their chosen envoys. They have no way of knowing what their gods want other than through the Prophets, and if the Prophets are in charge then they perhaps have to view that as the Forerunners will. It is not about gaining control of the Covenant, it is about pleasing their gods.

The Heretics were not out to take control of the Covenant, they were there to spread the truth and bring about is downfall. They were not under the lies of the Covenant and maybe didn't even view the Forerunners as gods anymore given how they must have known that Halo resulted in their deaths. They probably could not have cared less about the Covenant as a whole and in controlling it, just that the Flood/Halo Array was not released/used by the Covenant.

Reff 'Talamee wanted to overthrow the Covenant, but he was deluded and believed that his gods were wishing for Humanity and Sangheili to take the Prophets place at the head of the Covenant. They are not just done for the sake of gaining control because it doesn't fit with what the Covenant is.

Posted by: DethMerchant
Cortana theorizes if they rework the firing mechanisms of the remaining halos and synthesize the vaccine in appropriate amounts, they could spread it across the galaxy quickly, altering all living things to be gentically incompatible with the flood. and thus they set out to achieve this one final goal.

Halo fires a pulse of subatomic particles, not a wave of organic molecules.

[Edited on 07.03.2011 1:11 PM PDT]

  • 07.03.2011 1:08 PM PDT

With all respects, but i don't think this story is any good at all.. and i have to agree with grey.

  • 07.03.2011 1:08 PM PDT

have you even seen the halo 4 trailer? the very beginning of your story is already wrong. cortana is on the ship the entire time. she is the one who wakes up john. its not possible for her to get out she is in that computer chip the whole time.

  • 07.03.2011 1:22 PM PDT


Posted by: Naughty T man
have you even seen the halo 4 trailer? the very beginning of your story is already wrong. cortana is on the ship the entire time. she is the one who wakes up john. its not possible for her to get out she is in that computer chip the whole time.


thank you for clearly not reading the disclaimer. the people who have commented on this story with a lack of knowledge, and didnt evwn bother to read the disclaimer sicken me. i wrote this 2 -blam!- years ago!!!!!!!! of course it aint going to match with 343's -blam!- up little trailer -.-

  • 07.03.2011 1:30 PM PDT

you idiot! if you actually did read the books you would know that the brutes joined the covenant for direction. they are too corrupt join for any other reason. the brutes joined because they didnt know what the hell to do then the covenant came up and offered them to join and they did. so,
1)u lied about reading the books

2)u dont understand how corrupt the brutes are.

  • 07.03.2011 1:37 PM PDT

The Forerunner, the Great Journey, and Heaven Theory

[Announcement Trailer] Halo: Forerunner

Posted by: Agustus
I lol'd at the absurd miscommunication that occurs whenever dibbs post something. Perhaps his brain is so highly evolved that he can no longer clearly communicate with lesser life forms, even among his own species.

Posted by: DethMerchant
its just about as plausible as anything else.
Posted by: DethMerchant
i also know that this will not, and cant be the story of Halo 4. i just felt like sharing
I'm confused as to why you included that last line if you now disagree with it.
Posted by: DethMerchant
i have atteneded college level writing classes, so i believe i could do damn well
Then write out your story and post it in the Gallery. I'm not going to debate the hypothetical with you; I'm going to judge your writing skills based off of what you've presented. Attending a college level writing class doesn't make you a writer any more than attending Sunday school makes you a theologian.

  • 07.03.2011 1:38 PM PDT


Posted by: Naughty T man
you idiot! if you actually did read the books you would know that the brutes joined the covenant for direction. they are too corrupt join for any other reason. the brutes joined because they didnt know what the hell to do then the covenant came up and offered them to join and they did. so,
1)u lied about reading the books

2)u dont understand how corrupt the brutes are.


if history period has taught us anything, it is that corrution and the desire for power go hand in hand. who are you to say that there isnt a brute ambitious enough to want that kind of power? in contact harvest, Tartarus overthrew his uncle and became the chieftain, so this doesnt seem so farfetched

  • 07.03.2011 1:42 PM PDT

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