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Subject: MY HALO BOOK.... section cut out

It is now 7:06. You have exactly eight hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways

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  • 09.02.2004 3:19 PM PDT
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I would read it if you gave me money.

  • 09.02.2004 3:45 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

yeah... no offense to ya, but leave writing to writers.

  • 09.02.2004 5:22 PM PDT
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yeah its ok..........................for the elementary

  • 09.02.2004 9:05 PM PDT
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It's okay, though it begins too abruptly. I would definitely suggest creating some sort of new opening, if that's possible (but don't excise this section). Also, I would suggest providing in-depth descriptions (physical and ability-wise) of the characters, enemies, and weapons, for those who have never played the game. It's integral to understanding the story (just look at the greatest novel(s) of all time, The Lord of the Rings as an example of this).
By the way, I find it cool that you are writing a story about Halo for school. I did a project about Halo in school, but it was a simple Word document (though I got a 100 on it!) Keep at it, and make it as best as you can.

[Edited on 9/2/2004 9:47:40 PM]

  • 09.02.2004 9:44 PM PDT
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You should learn grammer, sentence structure, and proper punctuation. Plus learn how to "stretch" each sentence you have to create details and well rounded supporting information to the story. Each sentence incorporated in your story could be turned into its own paragraph. Making a detailed story, with proper grammer, punctutaion, and sentence structure, can attract a reader to your story and offer more constructive criticism than, "I'll read this story for a certain amount of money." But getting a reader to find your story enjoyable to read and unable to be left unread takes time and experience to accomplish. In time, with practice, it's possible to do. Also, learn more interesting words to use in your stories. If you use larger or more detailing words, this can be one way to grab a reader's attention. So far, your outline doesn't grab my attention. You need to work on your skills with writing. It also needs.... more. I can't explain it any better than that. That's my criticism. I hope you found it "constructive" enough.



[Edited on 9/2/2004 9:53:57 PM]

  • 09.02.2004 9:50 PM PDT
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I just didn't feel the passion that i did from the Halo books.

lol, i'm such a dork :p

  • 09.03.2004 1:46 AM PDT
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ehhh flame me if u will but i didnt find the halo books that great anyway...i mean for a vid game i guess there were all right, but ive read 2 many books by 2 many great authors...anyway u did ok i guess, just work on what that guy w/ the long post said...thatll help

  • 09.13.2004 10:47 PM PDT