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This topic has moved here: Subject: The tale of Jock-222, Chapter One.
  • Subject: The tale of Jock-222, Chapter One.
Subject: The tale of Jock-222, Chapter One.

Multi-trillionaire modern cowboy.

That's right.

Well, I've wrote a story based on the fanfic Infinity Team, and I want you guys to judge it. I know, I know, the gallery is that way, but we all know the forum's dead. And I know some of you guys will enjoy it.

I have written the following 5 chapters too, but I'm not gonna post it if you guys don't like this one.

"Triple two! Triple two!" Marissa yelled. Jock immediately woke up, checking his perimiter. "What is it?" He asked, still startled. Marissa answered: "We've got a job to do. You must be the laziest SPARTAN, if not SPECWARFARE operative I know. And how the hell did you managed to fall asleep in that armor?" Jock laughed, and said: "Sorry Four-Eight, I'll make it up to you someday. Now fill me in on the objective."

"Well, we've got 2 objectives. A CCS battleship damaged the UNSC "Mastermind"." Jock quickly noticed her difference in tone, and replied: "Damaged?" Marissa continued: "Yes, unfortunately. The crew is holding it's last stand against the covenant invaders as we speak. The Artificial Intelligence is still intact, and that way, it's important we either whipe out the covenant, destroy the ship, or retrieve the AI." Jock understood the situation. Order 098831A-1, or the Cole Protocol, was of utter importance, and without it, humanity would be long gone as far as he knew.

"I see. You mentioned a secondary?" He replied. Marissa, again, continued: "Yes, the objective about the ship is done in no-time. It's only a small strike team the covenant has threw at the Mastermind." "So it's easy, but important? That's something good for a change." Jock interrupted. Marissa, slightly irritated, replied: "I didn't knew you are that talkative, I liked the fact that ONI sended me a silent SPARTAN." Jock thought of it, he indeed was somewhat quiet. He was felt offended by the words of Marissa, but on the other hand, he liked her for some reason. "Yeah, well, I've got a morning mood." He replied.

Marissa ignored him and continued once again: "But the covenant have set up a camp about 3 clicks north of the Mastermind's crash-site, which contains intel about the covenant rank structure and species according to ONI. We'll have to retrieve it." "Okay, I wondered why they selected me. Stealth mission, right? Now that's something I find exciting" said Jock. "Yes, triple two. I'm glad we have something in common." Marissa replied, in a playful manner. "Besides us, there will be another SPARTAN III assisting us in the secondary objective. He's scouting there now. Futhermore, the other SPARTAN is our lead, he's designated Oscar-126, GAMMA-One-Lead, I'm GAMMA-Two, and you're GAMMA-Three. I think that is all." Jock nodded. He knew Oscar well, and respected him.
"Okay "Gamma-Three", let's get to stacking ammo then."

They walked up to Camp Zulu's armory, which was only a few hallways away from the briefing room where they were coming from. Zulu was just a temporarily settlement, so it wasn't that big. They entered the armory, Marissa going left and Jock right. Jock grabbed a MA5B, and stacked his ammo belt with 6 60-round magazines for it. He also grabbed some SRS-99C S2 AM magazines and began to empty them, taking their .450 rounds. He needed them for his revolver, the one his dad made. Although its cylinder was huge, just like the bullets it fired, the thing itself was actually quite small compared to the M6. He took a glimp at what S-148 was picking. He noticed a M392 DMR. He turned back around, continuing taking .450 rounds out of the magazines. "Triple-Two, you ready?" Marissa asked, standing at the door. "Yeah... I'm good." He answered, and followed 148 as they left the armory, still taking the .450's out of their magazines.


So, how do you like it?

  • 08.11.2011 9:53 AM PDT

Old school Bungie, born and raised,
In the Septagon is where I spend most of my days.
Relaxin', maxin', posting all cool,
Talking about Halo, life and some school.
Got in one little argument, and the mods got scared,
they said "You're gonna get banned and your member title'll be bare!"

If I may throw some constructive criticism...

You need to reread and pay attention to your tenses. Several times, you switch between past and present tense in a paragraph, or even a sentence, which ruins the flow of the story.

For example: Marissa, slightly irritated, replied: "I didn't knew you are that talkative, I liked the fact that ONI sended me a silent SPARTAN."

A better wording would be: Marissa, slightly irritated, replied: "I didn't know you were that talkative. I would have liked it better if ONI sent me a silent SPARTAN."

Or: Marissa shot back: "I didn't realize you are this talkative. I'd prefer ONI have sent me a silent SPARTAN"

There are a couple more instances of grammar corrections like this that would greatly improve the appearance of your Fanfic.

  • 08.11.2011 10:31 AM PDT

Multi-trillionaire modern cowboy.

That's right.


Posted by: prometheus25
If I may throw some constructive criticism...

You need to reread and pay attention to your tenses. Several times, you switch between past and present tense in a paragraph, or even a sentence, which ruins the flow of the story.

For example: Marissa, slightly irritated, replied: "I didn't knew you are that talkative, I liked the fact that ONI sended me a silent SPARTAN."

A better wording would be: Marissa, slightly irritated, replied: "I didn't know you were that talkative. I would have liked it better if ONI sent me a silent SPARTAN."

Or: Marissa shot back: "I didn't realize you are this talkative. I'd prefer ONI have sent me a silent SPARTAN"

There are a couple more instances of grammar corrections like this that would greatly improve the appearance of your Fanfic.

Thanks. Really, I appreciate the criticism.
As a sidenote, I know I often switch the time-stance, but this example should be this way. Jock-222 is a quiet SPARTAN, and because I putted so much dialogue in the 1st chapter, I thought I should make it clear he usually doesn't talk this much.

But I do get what you mean. I'm not English, so I'm having a bit of a tough time finding the right words for things.

Either way - thanks for the criticism. I really was eager to hear what people would think about it aside from the rest of the people working on Infinity.

  • 08.11.2011 10:39 AM PDT