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  • Subject: A short ODST story (Introduction)
Subject: A short ODST story (Introduction)

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.

His fingers tensed up around his M7S as his commander briefed him on their mission. He was a young recruit, smaller than the rest, who had lived on Reach growing up. Now it was falling.

The ship was cold, and quiet. The only sound were the hell jumpers boots on the ground. All the hell jumpers were in a line, their commanding officers stood in front of them. They were going to drop into the middle of a hot zone.


"You all are going to drop here from here" their commander barked at them, pointing to a holographic image of the outskirts of New Alexandria. "Then meet up here" He said, pointing to a position fairly close to the area. The troopers were nervous, but ready.

"And you all are going to kill this scarab tank causing trouble for our group troops."

"Sir, We will get it done" Announced the lieutenant of their sqaud. The young ODST looked around. Everyone was shocked. The room got even quieter, and not even the usual step was heard.

"A scarab?" a young trooper smirked. Every ones eyes rushed to the trooper.

"What did I just say trooper? Get in your damn pod!"

Soon everyone was getting in their pods. At his pod, he strapped in his M7S. He put his helmet on, and got in his HEV. You couldn't say they were comfortable, but they sure beat the cold steel of the ship. Screens flashed, and his squad mates appeared on screen. They were strapped in, ready.

Red lights flashed. Explosions sounded, causing his ear to ring. before he knew it, sky appeared in front of him. He thought to himself, would he return? He soon noticed his fingers were tensed up.

He landed with a large thump. His spine felt compressed. He reached for his M7 as another explosion sounded, blowing off the door of the HEV, and a muddy battle field appeared in front of him. He ran out to cover behind what looked like an old concrete building, or at least it was. His gun was in his hand.

Gun fire rang in his head. Needle like projectiles soon ran over his head, just as a pelican ran over his head, off into an area a little off in the distance.

Looking up in the sky looked nothing less than hell. A red tint, and the glow of large covenant ships added to the effect. "I guess thats why they call it feet first into hell" the young recruit thought to himself.

He checked his coordinates. He needed to meet at that pelican.

His ear were still ringing. The screams were soon realized. People were calling for medic, and others were lying there, dying.

He popped his gun out around a corner, and was met by a small creature. He pulled the trigger, and the creature dropped. Blood splattered every were. He begun to run for his rally point.

Soon, a purple ship appeared overhead. the gentle humming of it didn't fool the young trooper though. he ran for cover inside an old concrete building. The area was warm, yet the concrete felt very smooth and cold. New Alexandria was just to his right.

It was the crown jewel of Reach. He had spent a lot of time in his teens there. He remembered his life long friends, and the times he had with them in that great city.

But now it was ruined.

He soon got to reality. He slumped into a corner, M7S in hand. He checked himself. He was okay, but he knew that could change quickly. Before long, 2 more troopers ran into the room. One of them one unmistakable. He was the commander. He never had cared to check the guys name tag. Commander H. James.

"What are you doing Jensen, taking a snooze?" the commander yelled as quickly as he entered. "We go in feet first"

"No sir" Jensen soon replied. The other guy checked the doorway for anyone.

"Then good, you're first."

Rising to his feet, Jensen gripped his sub machine gun. At times, he felt like telling off is commanding officers, but he figured it wasn't worth it. He raised his machine gun at the opening. The cold steel of it was felt even through his gloves. This was enemy territory. He walked very slow like. The humming of the dropships still were heard. It begun to get very quiet, but there were the occasional explosion over the sea of gunfire.

He turned the corner. A large biped alien stood in a doorway. Before he could even tell that it was blue, the three opened fire with their guns. Their gunfire ripped into their foes Armour. With a crackle, the alien fell.

"Lets move" the commander soon said.

No arguments came from the squad. They began to move out. He re entered the trance like state he was in. He soon turned a corner, revealing the hell outside. The gunfire soon revealed its self again. The rally point was close.

With the mud under his boots, and sprinted for some cover. Enemies were near. He peered over his cover, to see the pelican. It had been destroyed, just as the city that set the backdrop was. Other troopers had already arrived.

"Dammit Jenson, get over here" He heard over the comm. He started to sprint over.

"We got a change of plans." the commander said "Come with me"


Should I continue? Feedback is appreciated.

[Edited on 10.06.2011 11:47 AM PDT]

  • 10.05.2011 2:04 PM PDT
Subject: A short ODST story

Ad Infinitum

This is not a flame. This is a critique.


It starts off kind of random, there's no real setting. We don't know the character's personality and the dialogue seems forced and doesn't have a ton of emotion in it.

Try expanding the vocabulary a bit. "He walked very slow like"

There's no real description of scenery so it's hard to imagine the character being anywhere except in a box.

I do enjoy seeing another perspective of the New Alexandria battle. If you can expand on your characters, use a better vocabulary and perhaps describe the setting a little more, then I would love to see more of this. If you'd like, I could help you with some of it.

  • 10.05.2011 2:30 PM PDT

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.


Posted by: Atomic Tea
This is not a flame. This is a critique.


It starts off kind of random, there's no real setting. We don't know the character's personality and the dialogue seems forced and doesn't have a ton of emotion in it.

Try expanding the vocabulary a bit. "He walked very slow like"

There's no real description of scenery so it's hard to imagine the character being anywhere except in a box.

I do enjoy seeing another perspective of the New Alexandria battle. If you can expand on your characters, use a better vocabulary and perhaps describe the setting a little more, then I would love to see more of this. If you'd like, I could help you with some of it.

Thanks for the feedback. I do agree on the scenery. After writing this small part, I realized it started random. Editing it now.

  • 10.05.2011 2:33 PM PDT

Ad Infinitum

That's a LOT better man! I look forward to seeing more of this :)

  • 10.05.2011 3:18 PM PDT

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Posted by: Atomic Tea
That's a LOT better man! I look forward to seeing more of this :)

I guess I shall add on more.
The only question is should I make it in chapters and release them a few at a time, or just write out the entire thing?

I am also going to come up with a title.

  • 10.05.2011 3:28 PM PDT

Ad Infinitum


Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Atomic Tea
That's a LOT better man! I look forward to seeing more of this :)

I guess I shall add on more.
The only question is should I make it in chapters and release them a few at a time, or just write out the entire thing?

I am also going to come up with a title.

You can never go wrong with chapter by chapter. This gives you room for feedback and further editing. The story my friends and I are working on has chapters that come every Sunday.

  • 10.05.2011 3:51 PM PDT

Hey do you like to write fan fiction or is this just a little something you felt like doing?

  • 10.05.2011 4:31 PM PDT

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.


Posted by: Spartan1995324
Hey do you like to write fan fiction or is this just a little something you felt like doing?

Its kinda in between. I love to write, and I kinda felt like doing this to see if people like my writing.

  • 10.05.2011 4:35 PM PDT


Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324
Hey do you like to write fan fiction or is this just a little something you felt like doing?

Its kinda in between. I love to write, and I kinda felt like doing this to see if people like my writing.


I like it. Have you considered joining a group to share your stories and read those of others?

  • 10.05.2011 4:37 PM PDT

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.


Posted by: Spartan1995324

Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324
Hey do you like to write fan fiction or is this just a little something you felt like doing?

Its kinda in between. I love to write, and I kinda felt like doing this to see if people like my writing.


I like it. Have you considered joining a group to share your stories and read those of others?

No, I don't think I am that great of a writer, but mostly I am afraid no one will like my writing.

  • 10.05.2011 4:42 PM PDT


Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324

Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324
Hey do you like to write fan fiction or is this just a little something you felt like doing?

Its kinda in between. I love to write, and I kinda felt like doing this to see if people like my writing.


I like it. Have you considered joining a group to share your stories and read those of others?

No, I don't think I am that great of a writer, but mostly I am afraid no one will like my writing.


That's what I thought before I joined lol.

  • 10.05.2011 5:12 PM PDT

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.


Posted by: Spartan1995324

Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324

Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324
Hey do you like to write fan fiction or is this just a little something you felt like doing?

Its kinda in between. I love to write, and I kinda felt like doing this to see if people like my writing.


I like it. Have you considered joining a group to share your stories and read those of others?

No, I don't think I am that great of a writer, but mostly I am afraid no one will like my writing.


That's what I thought before I joined lol.

Could you link me to a group?

  • 10.05.2011 5:13 PM PDT

Halo Database.

  • 10.05.2011 5:14 PM PDT

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.


Posted by: Spartan1995324
Halo Database.

Waiting for membership approval. Thank you.

  • 10.05.2011 5:18 PM PDT


Posted by: The Hired Gun

Posted by: Spartan1995324
Halo Database.

Waiting for membership approval. Thank you.


Well have to wait for the head guy to do it. I'm a forum ninja there but I can't approve people. Used to be open membership until we had some trolls come in. Anyways I'll notify him. Until he sees my notification then all we can do is wait. Keep writing man.

  • 10.05.2011 5:22 PM PDT

The tide is turning, brothers! Let us take our kingdom back!

Good stuff so far, man.

  • 10.06.2011 3:47 AM PDT

Good to see the story improving from what I saw a few hours ago! Keep it up!

  • 10.06.2011 4:33 AM PDT

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.

Thanks for all the good comments guys. If people keep reading, I will keep writing.

Posted by: AssaultCommand
Looking good! Just one thing, you said they were being debriefed, but this is BEFORE the mission begins, right?
Shouldn't it be that they're just being briefed.


Good catch. I will fix it.

  • 10.06.2011 11:46 AM PDT