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Subject: Feedback Needed

yas334229812

Hi need feedback on my writing style. this is a prologue of my fanfic. I had written it longer but decided to add the rest of it in the center of the story somewhere

I plan on getting at least 1 to 2 chapters done by December the rest will be easily done during the holidays.
Sucks to be in university.

Prologue:
Darkness.
There he lay the light dimming from within his eye. His breath slowed down gradually second by second. Pain coursed through him all originating from his chest. Slowly numbness began to take over. He felt that his time was coming he would soon meet his maker whatever it is. His chest felt heavy and slowly pain turned to numbness. A slight relief to his although he still felt cold within and felt sweat profusely covering his body entering his body armour. Time dragged away and fear gripped him as he saw different ending of his life. The loneliness was slowly being replaced by impatience and madness.
He was scared. Scared of what is to come. He was stuck there, unable to do anything, a lifeless husk with no purpose or dream. Unable to escape his mental torment, incapacitated within his own mind. Fear gripped him and the storm of madness slowly overtaking him. He wanted to scream somewhere to run someone to help him to be with him. But no now he was alone now.
Suddenly as his acceptance of his loneliness came he felt an icy cold touch. A welcoming sight, he was suddenly happy. The darkness was already all over him by then. Thinking he was blind he hoped that this welcoming sign will solve all his fears and troubles and maybe bring his sight back.
He tried to turn and see who it was trying to feel who it was but there was nothing there confused he turned around and suddenly looming over him was a hideous sight a frightening sight and as soon as he saw it he tried screaming. And scream he did but there was none there to listen to his scream. An icy cold tentacle stroked his cheek noticing this he tried to run but was stuck immobile. The being weighed its will upon him and as soon as he tried to unsuccessfully run he was swallowed up by the darkness into a land of horror.
His will to fight back crushed and as so he went into the darkness within where none living had seen and lost he became within this eternal landscape. Turning around he saw a flood of consciousness approaching him screaming he tried to run but run as much as he could he was caught within the flood and soon became one with it.

  • 10.18.2011 9:27 PM PDT