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  • Subject: Halo, My Story
Subject: Halo, My Story
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“Halo”
By: B Wehausen
(Note: over half the people who read this will be offended, but i must speak my mind.)

My experience with Halo has pretty much changed who I am and who I will ever be. It has impacted my life in such where I have to express myself in that I’m writing a -blam!- ass article on it. That’s the only way I can think of to etch my words into peoples minds, that is if they read this.
The first time I ever heard of the game was on a preview of it on my 20” little television. I seen it and thought to myself “that looks like a pretty good game and I might have to buy it,” but however my -blam!-ness prevented me from buying an Xbox and a copy of Halo. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face sometimes. But thanks to my loyal friends in the 11th grade during 4th period, I learned of Halo. I believe Cale Goodwill, Jacob Kowalski, and myself were watching some Halo Videos on the computer in the global, instead of writing that -blam!- ass mother donkey punchin in the back of the head, safety report. And yes it was quite a donkey punchin paper. I received a failing grade on that particular paper for writing only ½ page on how stupid writing up that -blam!- ass donkey punchin paper was. (Note: I did not use those specific phrases.) But like I said we were watching some sweet Ian Martin Mom’s ass Halo vids and I was soooo uncontrollably “splooging” in my pants I could not help but to purchase that game.
I went to Wal-Mart, yes Wal-Mart -blam!- -blam!-s, and purchased a copy of Halo, I was about… 25 years behind everybody else in playing so I really sucked 13” -blam!-. I went to Cale’s house and in fact to prove my -blam!-ness I sported a 8 kills in a game of SG TAG, we went to 50. My donkey punching self was discouraged but not to the point of giving up, however if I did not get 1 kill I might have killed myself. I began going to Cale’s house more and more frequently to the point where the levels didn’t seem so unfamiliar and my -blam!- became more loosened. Yes, Halo was “popping my cherry”. Sometimes I wish Halo would have not went so easy on my sweet virgin ass and would have rammed that shotgun all the way up my rear end and pulled the trigger 15 hundred million times until I bled the sweet cherry blood red all over my inner thighs and -blam!- farted all over somebody’s face. (Sorry to be so graphic but my love for this game makes me that crazy.) So there it was, Matt Nelson, Cale Goodwill, Jacob Kowalski, and myself for a couple weeks of just some ordinary SG TAG. I began getting more and more kills and was not such a noob. But I was still getting owned a lot and felt my -blam!- getting smaller, and im not making that up, I seriously think my -blam!- was getting smaller every game I sucked in because my butt hole kept getting bigger. Any ways, I actually won a game of SG TAG, I remember it so perfectly. Jordan Becker placed in 2nd, WTF MATE!?!?! There was about, o say, 8 to 10 players at Cale’s house at the time, winning that game launched my -blam!- into an 18 yr erection! However, everybody in that room felt like such a -blam!- and a noob getting beat by a guy nicknamed to “B Wehausen.” I would have felt like a piece of -blam!- Shawn Weinmann and Jordan Smith combo if I lost to me at that period of time.
I mastered the art of the shotgun and began “owning” people with that -blam!-. I was getting more recognition, however small, but some is better than Jailbert. Players began to take notice in my pubic hair growing in my Halo crotch, (NICE METHAPHOR!) and no I wasn’t a fire crotch. As my pubes began thickening, a.k.a. my Halo abilities, more and more players started thinking, “Hey, maybe Bonnie isn’t such a -blam!- suckin whore like we all thought, but he does still suck a lil of the wiener somedays.” My reputation was growing! I was no longer B Wehausen, the NOOB that sucks 13” -blam!-, now I was upgraded to, B Wehausen, a Rook that sucks a 11 yr old’s -blam!-. I was grinning more often.

I remember a turning point though, it was at Nathan Axdahls house, I think that’s how you spell it. But I can remember on a CTF BG game, 4 on 4, not going for the shotgun before leaving the base. My dick was SHOCKED! But my balls were not. My balls encouraged me to trust in the pistol more, for the pistol is a lethal weapon in the right hands. My hands were up my -blam!- at the time so the only thing worried about getting its ass blown away was in fact, my ass. Because I could not shoot anything but my ass since the pistol was up….my ass. (Are you getting what I’m saying, pistol in ass cannot shoot anything but ass.) Look at my -blam!-, (_)(_)=D, pretty small, huh? Any ways my ass began “-blam!-” out the pistol and I began hitting other players with it. Both the ammunition and the actual pistol, the melee attack was used in my favor, sometimes. But like I said my -blam!- was small and the pistol was still lodged pretty far in my butt. I was forced to take medical action and ram that -blam!- out of my butt. I began with targeting smaller weaker targets and slowly but surely it came free. My butt didn’t have anything inside of it for once, what a relief.
Futher on with my career in Halo, I bought a Hub and some Ethernet cables to play some online Halo. Let me put it this way, I joined a game, and got my -blam!- ass slayed worse than a pregnant chick wandering around while Weinmann was lurking. Scary thoughts but yes they are true. What a combination, Jordan Smith, and a pregnant woman, sometimes I wonder if wiener has standards for girls. And by the way we only make fun of the Halo players that aren’t very good, or make noobie mistakes. I have been made fun of plenty of times, so wiener if your reading this, don’t freak out and blow your brains all over a pregnant woman. I’m getting off the subject, though I did have to point that out, I was talking about playing online and getting owned because I did not realize the lag involved. I soon found out and began hosting games and began kicking some Jordan Smith “tightly woven” ass. My pistols skills began increasing and getting bigger and better, like a small boy going through puberty and reaching a climax in his erection size, but I was far away from peak -blam!- Halo skills. I learned the art of the triple tap, and multiple tricks for CTF, and other noobish games.
Today the reputation of B Wehausen is a frightening one. A name of a player not to be takin as if he were a noob, and yes I do love this part where I get to suck my -blam!- until I get off. “B Wheeze” as that untalented player Nick Kowalski refers, is a player that makes moves in clutch situations and can do things not impossible, but highly improbable. A player with dignity that will not bone unless boned. A player that will use Honor rules almost 5% of gameplay. A player who is called the most names from his enemies because of the severity of his wrath and yet does not let it affect his playing. A player with the pistol skills of a great noob. A player that could even, should I say it, a player that could beat the Halo God in Leeds? Maybe. (The Halo God in Leeds is an urban legend, he actually sucks more balls than a person who makes a living off sucking other peoples balls.)
As I write this I listen to “In The End” by Linkin Park, and I realize that in the end nothing else matters but Halo. That will be quoted for generations to come, I can almost guarantee it. I play for myself to learn about this game, everything I can learn I will learn. I go to online websites searching for knowledge just to get that little edge on other players. To sharpen my -blam!- and use it as a weapon against opponents. Ur Own Gun, tsk tsk, I have had better soup…? I bet most people would ask themselves, what the -blam!- does that mean and what relevance does it have with any possible thing in Halo. Well I say, -blam!- You, it does not mean anything but its my god damn stupid donkey punchin ideas and I can say whatever I please. (That is until i get in trouble for the content of this...)

The End

  • 09.13.2004 10:05 PM PDT
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Er... What can I say? :S. You wierdo.

  • 09.13.2004 10:28 PM PDT
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Now that is a pretty SCREWED up story. I'll be sure to never read it again.

  • 09.13.2004 10:46 PM PDT
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Are you alright? I mean seriously? I'm not gonna flame you like these two guys, I'm just worried. Has there been like a huge upheaval in your life recently?

I must say, finding a game addictive and wanting to play/learn/etc about it is quite natural, but you seem to be taking it too far. I certainly hope you are alright.

Tristan

  • 09.14.2004 1:25 AM PDT
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Maybe you would be taken more seriously if you weren't such a crude buffoon.

  • 09.14.2004 7:50 AM PDT
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r u sure there is nothin wrong with u??????????????????????????????????????????

  • 09.14.2004 10:27 AM PDT
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well said, a truly heartwarming story, exept alot of swearign and referance to donky punching and pregnant women, but good nonethelkess.



P.S. for people seeking help because of addiction to halo, go here: www.haloib.com


[Edited on 9/14/2004 3:34:30 PM]

  • 09.14.2004 3:31 PM PDT
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Glad you like Halo.


  • 09.14.2004 3:40 PM PDT
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Posted by: Magzy T
Er... What can I say? :S. You wierdo.


Well.. aren't we all crazy homicidal weirdos?

  • 09.21.2004 8:26 AM PDT
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that was deeply and utterly disturbing, never before have i heard someone wish to have a shotgun shoved up their butt and i never wnat to read that deeply disturbing story again, ervert. Grow up and stop swearing and repost in a different wording (aka no swears or shotugn-up-ass referencs) so that intelligent people can understand you

  • 09.21.2004 9:39 AM PDT
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You have some good points and thoughts. Also I share your love for the pistol but no where in that manner; I'm just good with it. But you are kind of creepy but I understand what your saying and where your coming from.

  • 09.21.2004 12:07 PM PDT