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  • Subject: Book Excpert: need feedback
Subject: Book Excpert: need feedback

"If you want to test a man's character, give him power" -- Abraham Lincoln

Im currently working on a book, and I want your feedback on an excerpt:



Location: Falls Church, Washington, D.C.
Date: October 12th, 2074
"Alright Mosend, let's make this quick and painless. This can be over before it starts. Lieutenant, you're taking point."

"Yes sir," Blake Mosend replied. Following Captain Reed's orders, he proceeded to lead silently through the empty streets and buildings of Falls Church.

The suburb of the capitol consisted mainly of low-cost housing and apartments, as well as some other several story buildings that were once businesses. The area used to teem with life and the commotion of an urban population. But now, there only stood empty, run-down, and discolored buildings. It was just faded memories.

Blake thought to himself. It was such an eerie feeling. A once bustling suburb of the capitol was now devoid of any human activity, almost. The government now controlled the entire surrounding area of the metropolis. Perhaps it always did.

"Hold up, eyes front" Mosend said. A patrol of government soldiers stood nearby. The Captain and Mosend froze behind a bus. If they were seen now, it was over.

"Don't move" Reed commanded. Blake wasn't inclined to do otherwise.

The team waited as the patrol passed by. A close call was avoided. The patrol had vacated to an adjacent street, unaware of their presence.

"Alright, Blake, continue" the Captain ordered.

"Roger" Mosend said.

Lieutenant Mosend and Captain Reed traversed the ghostly city streets and back alleys. Doors on buildings were either open or boarded shut, much like the windows were broken or boarded up as well. Cars with keys still in the ignition but various parts missing lined the sidewalks and roadways, abandoned. It was as if time itself had frozen and a snapshot of life had been taken. The two-soldier team stopped to do some surveying.

"Sir, what exactly is our objective?" Mosend asked.

Captain Reed looked at him abruptly. "The coalition, if you can call it that, has reason to believe that the opposition leader is nearby. Surprisingly, D.C. does not appear to be the government's home base. Not anymore. There isn't as much chatter on the communication channels that we've been wiretapping for this area. Something isn't right. We need to capture and question him if possible. Otherwise, we are ordered to find intel that will tell us where the enemy's main base is."

Blake, trying not to appear confused, said "How will we know who their leader is? Or if he is here?" He sighed with frustration. "It was easy to know who was in charge when the president was still around, but the opposition made quick assurance that even the last trace of democracy was erased, even if it was corrupted."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that" Reed stated. He directed the Lieutenant's attention to a convoy of vehicles in the distance. "Time to move" he said.

Lieutenant Mosend was following Captain Reed now. Equipped with him were a MASS rifle, a few electro stun grenades, an HE-670 submachine gun, and some satchel charges. The Captain carried with him much of the same items, except he preferred a JHG-34 Shotgun, nicknamed the Splinter, over the machine gun. They were both well suited for any enemy resistance they might encounter before reaching their objective. Hopefully, they wouldn't need it.

Mosend and Reed continued shadowing the movement of the vehicle convoy through the crumbled streets of the metro area further towards the capitol from Falls Church. The rumbling sound of rubber wheels on asphalt was only surpassed by the ferocious thunder of the engines in each of the APCs they were following. The two of them weren't as worried about being heard as much as being seen. Eventually, in a large, nested away local park the convoy stopped.

"This might be our stop" Reed said. "Let's see what they do next."

Blake looked onward at the convoy. A small squad of enemy soldiers stepped out of the APC's, maybe only eight of them. If it weren't for the ambient light in the park, you wouldn't see them at all in the dark of night. Typical combatant outerwear consisted of a Kevlar multilayered battle suit, not unlike the monolayer suits the coalition used, with v-shaped visor inlayed helmets to match. Although the weapons the coalition and government forces used were similar, the government had upgraded and more deadly models of what the coalition had access to. The one advantage the coalition always had was stealth, and they made sure that aspect of their strategy worked its way into weapon systems as well. Where their weapons made little to no noise and did less damage, the government's made much more noise and were far more fatal.

What appeared to be some small chatter occurred, but it would be impossible to tell what was being said, as the engines were still running on the vehicles. Oddly, the vehicles left the area to only the soldiers. Not one stayed behind.

"Why would the APC's leave? It doesn't look like there is anything here to look for, much less guard. Normally patrols only stop for checkpoints or to survey an area quickly. This looks like neither" Mosend said.

As he looked at the Captain, he was given the "hold position" signal. Maybe the Captain was waiting to see what they would do next.

The team waited a few moments. The small patrol was circling the fountain in the middle of the park, which was empty of course. One of the patrol members looked at a comrade, and signaled with his hand towards the fountain. Then he walked towards the fountain and vanished.

"What in the hell." Mosend said.

  • 11.19.2011 8:46 PM PDT

Not badly written, but it sounds almost technical at points.

Things like "as well as some other several story buildings that were once businesses" could be re-written in a way to convey more feeling like "along with the empty shells of what used to be businesses".

and..."Surprisingly, D.C. does not appear to be the government's home base." Nobody says "Surprisingly" like that.

and..."Normally patrols only stop for checkpoints or to survey an area quickly." Remember that he is talking to his peers. Unnecessary commentary like the "or to survey an area quickly" is more for the reader, but seems unnatural in dialog.

Seems like a good start though. Keep on trucking.

  • 11.19.2011 9:55 PM PDT

Great job. There are some mistakes but I like it. Nice work.

  • 11.24.2011 1:25 PM PDT

"If you want to test a man's character, give him power" -- Abraham Lincoln

Thanks for the feedback guys!

  • 11.24.2011 4:57 PM PDT