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This topic has moved here: Subject: [FF] Mgalekgolo: The Great Schism
  • Subject: [FF] Mgalekgolo: The Great Schism
Subject: [FF] Mgalekgolo: The Great Schism

Quit -blam!- stalking me you weirdo.

Iliga walked through the walls of high charity. Iliga Niee Fasu, a fearless warrior, and an artist with his high powered plasma cannon. He commonly recited war poetry, with his blood brother. They were both headed to a meeting amongst the rest of the Mgalekgolo in this particular area of high charity.

This was a rare meeting amongst their ranks, so they figured something must have gone awry. He figured he should go, and find out.

High Charity, the Covenants holy city was in a time of unrest. The prophets had been pushing to replace the Sangheili, and all of High Charity knew it. Iliga thought to himself, it must be about that.

He continued his walk through High Charity. There was every single race, all headed some were. The races of the Covenant never understood him, and his race, and he never cared to understand them. He felt like they never had any respect amongst the ranks, except for the Sangheili, who respected their battle tactics. They, in return, respected them, more as masive beasts, than a living thing.

He soon arrived at a large area, were everyone was too meet at. Some had already arrived, while some were just coming. He was suprised to see that hardly anyone was around. High Charity had always had other species around, everywere. It was nice for a change.

Soon enough, his blood brother arrived. There is always too many Lekgolo to make one "hunter", so to compromise, they came in twos. They always did everything in pairs, and soon became outraged if they were split up. Lucky for Iliga, he had never gotten seperated.

Soon enough, the high doors closed, and the speaker got up on his platform. The hunter soon stood up straight, averaging about twelve to thirteen feet tall, but he was taller than most, at a whopping fourteen feet tall.

"Brothers, the prophets have commited treason! Treason against all of us! I want every last Brute killed!" the Mgalekgolo announced, through vibrations in his armour. Iliga soon found himself, along with others, cheering, as plasma rifles sounded outside, as all hell broke loose.

Soon, the entire group started to sprint close to a line of brutes, in a huge plaza of purple and blue lighting. He located his blood brother, and they fired their cannons in unison. Before they knew it, the entire line was down.

"They're coming in from the left! We must continue to aid the Sangheili!" His blood brother soon spoke. They both ran to the left, and into a hallways. A squad of grunts soon appeared and shot at them, but weren't aknowledged by the two. They soon ran over, giving them no mercy.

"Silly grunts! The prophets almost killed all of them off... They tried to kill us off!" his blood brother said, continuing on the path. A plaza soon came up, and a pair of Mgalekgolo were there.

"Loyalist!" Iliga soon yelled to his blood brother, as he raised his cannon. They fired at the pair, killing them instantly.

"Damn loyalist! Scared into fighting for the Covenant" His blood brother soon yelled out.

The room soon revealed its self. It was no small plaza, it was a loading dock. Multiple Phantoms were unloading more troops to this area. Spike begun to bounce of his armour.

"Get down!" Iligas blood brother yelled. A small squad of Sangheili soon ran into the room, firing their plasma rifles. "It looks like they got this under control, we have to split up. You take the right route, Ill take the left" The beast soon added.

There they were. The prophets would pay for their crimes againts the Mgalekgolo... the crimes against the Sangheili. They soon parted ways, possibly forever.

The usual patrol of grunts appeared, and fired at. Iliga soon slowed down. he saw a reflection of the purple wall of High Charity. It was a squad of 4 brutes, armed with spikers. He thought to himself, "One... Two... Thr." He stopped his thought. Rage soon took over his body.

He Quickly roared as loud as possible, turning the corner. Spikes soon bounced off his armour as he readied his plasma cannon. He fired his cannon, killing one brute. The cannon soon over heated.

He quickly ran towards one of the brutes, smashing his shield into him, decapitating his head. Blood spewed everywere. His shield stained, he readied up, targeting another brute. He begun to charge his cannon, and then realized, were is the other brute?

He soon felt needles poking in his back. It felt like his soul was being ripped out of him. His mind was on fire, and he heard the mysery over take him. He then fell, and the sound of his two ton body hitting the floor sounded of thunder.

His vision started to blur, his memory erased. He felt the needles hot in his back, dulling. He soon started to recite war poetry as he expired.

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[Edited on 11.24.2011 8:57 AM PST]

  • 11.23.2011 3:00 PM PDT

I like the slightly different take, seeing it from the perspective of Hunters. But you might want to slow some things down. In the intro, he was taking a walk, and before I knew it he was killing Brutes. Otherwise, keep it up!

  • 11.24.2011 11:40 PM PDT

What a waste....

A few minor grammar corrections:

Try not to repeat words or phrases, like "soon enough" or "soon". Sometimes it's unavoidable, but it just kinda looks strange. The commas also are sorta out of place. Vary the structure of your sentences. Five lines all starting with 'he' gets a little boring. Throw in a little onomontapiea!

Like Sphinx said. slow down the story a little. Describe the scene. Show the thoughts and dialogue of your characters.

[Edited on 11.25.2011 7:38 AM PST]

  • 11.25.2011 7:35 AM PDT