- MetalxTongue
- |
- Intrepid Legendary Member
Age 13
When I was a teenager, I questioned myself, because I was the only one that could answer the questions I asked. The question that I couldn't answer was,
"Why did Dad leave?"
I know that I asked Mom over and over, but never got an answer, I disliked the fact of a step-father, but Mom was very fond of him, so I was to be nice. This step-father was pretending to be my father. I didn't want him to be part of my family. When he knew that he was accepted by everyone else but me, he took it as an insult. So he began picking on me, it seemed.
Come morning, he would wake me up at 7:00 a.m. to go do the dishes, or go get some fire wood. He'd give me an axe and walk away. I didn't know where to go or where to start. If I didn't do any of the things he asked he'd yell at me, and then Mom will start to yell at me too. I'd stand there wondering,
"Why is Mom getting mad?"
After they were done yelling at me they would go back inside the house. I would stand there all cold not knowing what I was supposed to do now, that they're gone.
So I decided to visit some friends but, nobody was up t at 7:00am. So instead I walked around and walked until 12:00p.m. I went back home to see if Mom was still angry.
It was a Sunday so we had to go to church. I really didn't want to go and listen to some man talk about hell or heaven.
I told Mom that I didn't want to go, but she said, "Go to church or you will go to hell!"
I'd say, "No, I am going to go see some friends."
She'd look at me, paused, and said, "Okay, but next Sunday you are going."
When it came to thoughts of God or the Devil, I never wanted to really get to know them, but they both were very interesting. I began to read the Bible and tried to find out why they caught my interest so easily. I wanted to know why people believed in a person that died and somehow came back to life. Any voice can sound like the voice of a God, as long as you know what to say. So I thought if God and the Devil are able to get people to follow them, I can too.
Age 14
I still think that any person can be their own god, so I managed to find people to follow me, but not because of what I can say but, what I can do. I had about 14-20 people that listened to everything that I said. What I was able to do that made these people listen to me was that I was strong enough to push them (My followers) and force them to listen, I never thought about if I was hurting them or if they were scared. I just wanted people to listen and follow me. I had someone that I trusted a lot and made him one of the people that would be in charge of everyone, even the people that I had put in charge of making sure that everyone comes, if I was gone for awhile.
We had a place for all of us to meet and talk only about me, so if I wasn't there I wouldn't know what they were talking about or doing. The person that I trusted the most challenged me to try and push him around. I stood there looking at him. And did so because, he knew if I can't push him around than he can be the one with all the people listening to him, after beating him up I told him he can still be second in charge. Mom looked at my face and ask why I had a shiner, why I had a black eye, and why did I have cuts and scrapes,
My answer was, "Me and the guys were wrestling and got a little to rough."
One day everyone that was supposed to meet me at the place so that they can praise and listen to me, didn't. I waited and than only one came and I asked him if he knew where everyone was, he told me that they don't like the way I was treating them and didn't want to be a part of my followers. I went to go look for all of them and tell them,
"It's not a matter of what you like but, what you want to believe in!"
"We listen to you, but we don't want to be treated so roughly, God doesn't hurt the people that listen to him and follow him!" they'd say.
"God has not done anything! He still hasn't answered my questions! What makes you think he'd do something for the people that need and believe in him? I gave you guys something to look forward to do everyday. I am also here." I replied.
Age 15
I no longer had anyone following or listening to me, the voice I thought that I had was lost, so instead of trying to be my own god, I began doing sins of the present god. I had my first cigarette, my first drink, my first joint, and so many other things that would be considered a sin and breaking the law, really didn't care. Long as God did nothing to stop me I continued doing it.
The more I did this, there was a voice developing people began to notice that I broke the rules and didn't care, so they started to come to me and listen to me. I talked with them and they talked to me. I liked this so I began to do it more often; I had people to talk too. And their was even people that believed in God, so I asked them questions and they answered some and they told me that I am not to question the word of God, I continued to ask why, but no one had an answer.
Mom asked me one day,
"What are you going to do with your life, are you going to continue doing this?"
"I am still young and if I ever grow up, I will stop."
"That is exactly it; you are still young stop doing this, before you hurt yourself."
"That will eventually happen, but I am still not ready to stop doing this, I like doing what I am doing."
"What are you doing? You are always angry and don't want to talk to me or anyone in this house."
"I don't know the answers to my question so I am trying to find out the answers any possible way. And I already have people to talk too."
Mom didn't like what I was doing to myself so she sent me to South Indian Lake to stay with my grandfather for the time being, bad idea. When I got there I lit a cigarette and went to go look for some drugs, and I got what I needed. I was happy and than began to find people to talk too. When a lot of my cousins found out that I had changed and was not the childish person that they knew, they wanted to see me. I had so many people come over to my grandfathers, a lot of them wanted to know why I changed and why I am in South Indian Lake, I didn't want to go into details with them. I just told them that my mom wants me to visit Grandpa.
Age 16
I finally told my mom that I smoked cigarettes, she was not surprised but a little disappointed, I stop doing drugs but, I still drank. I was still in ponder by these questions
"Can you be your own God? Or is there even a God?"
I would stay home on school days and think about it, I could never get an answer that I wanted or I thought was a good enough answer. I began to obsess over it, and since then it became my obsession. I open my mind to much more things, so my mind became an endless sponge, about thinking I could not stop. I thought of things that I wanted or wouldn't mind seeing in person. I became sleep deprived and started to look unhealthy, people began to worry but, it was nothing, I thought.
I met someone; she was the girl that was going to be mine. Me and her hooked up and began dating. I never thought that I would meet someone that I could be with; she was everything that I wanted. And my mind was confused with this girl and could not tell if this was real. Since I was easily obsessed with my thoughts, I was not immune to her, so she than fit that part of thoughts, she now became my obsession. I thought that being with someone could make you feel better about whatever past has haunted you. Because of thinking of the past I began to think of future, I couldn't lose someone like her.
She is the one that is needed for my life to be complete for when I get older. Due to my obsessing of things and people I grew sick, and to make things even worse, she left me. I couldn't believe it, and I had felt pain from what people know as love hurts.
I was so sick from obsessing that I stayed home everyday, and didn't want to leave; staying home didn't make things better it made it worse. Because my thoughts began to talk to me and I couldn't stop listening. I went to the hospital and I told the doctor of my symptoms and she told me that I have schizophrenia; I didn't believe her so I denied what she said and left home. I got better after a little time and Mom asked me if I was going to work, I decided to give it a go and went to find a job, I found one and started to work with three other people, I worked as an archaeologist student.
After some time working, we went home and got to see are families taken a couple of days to relax, but during that time I got sick again and it was much worse. I woke up in Thompson hospital not knowing what happened, and having a really bad headache. After all of this, I began to write what I felt and wanted to say, which awakened my urge to write music and speak my mind.
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[Edited on 12.01.2011 1:22 PM PST]