- Chapstick
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- Exalted Heroic Member
If you're swimming in a creek, and an eel bites your feet - that's a moray.
After the Arbiter and Cortana catch up with MC on earth, Cortana will proudly introduce us all to her daughter, MC's illegitimate child, who turns out to be a chick even hotter than Cortana.
This new chick will be named Cassiopeia, and she has dual-wieldable miniature Sniper rifles and shotguns, which have the same effect as the full-sized versions. She also has unlimited cloaking (like Arbiter), but it lasts for the full 10 seconds even if you get shot or when firing on an enemy.
Another upgrade is her dual mini-rockets (though the ammo will be tough to come by) built in to her chest. They're "mini" rockets because they're much shorter than normal rockets, but have just as big a diameter. She also gets really pissed if anyone tries to reload them for her.
Cassiopeia will be born while Cortana and Arbiter are en route to Earth, while traveling at light speed in one of the Forerunner Ark shuttles, and will therefore have slightly altered temporal lobes, making her age quickly to at least 18 (though perhaps as old as 27). The downside is that if she ever goes back into light speed she will start aging quickly again, so she may not be available for Halo 4 on XBOX 2π, but since she's so hot she'll probably get with Arbiter for a freaky badass as their offspring.
Anyway, after Cassiopeia agrees to let Arbiter reload her rockets (a cutscene I can't wait to see), she gets orbitally dropped into what used to be Redmond, Wa., which is the site of the Covenant Ark, only to discover that not only remaining Covenant forces but also Gravemind himself is already there.
Gravemind gets distracted by her amazing rockets though, which gives Arbiter enough time to kill the Prophet of Truth and his Brute lackeys, while MC drinks lots of beer and gets a massage from Cortana (another quality cutscene). Once Arbiter has taken out the Covenant forces, Cassiopeia turns her attention on Gravemind, but since he's the hive mind of the flood, she has to use her anti-flood biological weapon, a noxious (to flood - to humans it just smells like tuna) gas which emanates from her pelvic region after being activated, but since that will clearly be the climax of the game, I don't want to give away what *that* cutscene looks like...
Next thing you know, the Flood is wiped out, the Covenant (the bad ones anyway) are wiped out, and all that remains in Halo 4 on XBOX 2π is for Cassiopeia and Arbiter's son (MC's grandson), a new Spartan 69 they call "Master-Arbiter" (typically shortened to sound like "Master-bitter"), to visit each of the remaining Halo rings to keep them from firing. It might even have been that simple, except that he encounters a new form of the flood, which look like incredibly attractive and scantily clad human females (plenty of variety, but all incredibly attractive), and he finds that they are now unaffected by any of the weaponry used on flood to date. The shotgun, sword, and rocket launcher are all as useless as a sniper rifle.
Lucky for him, all Spartan 69 models have a "Boning Rod" built in to their lower torso, which when activated becomes a foot and a half long, quite stiff (though still just flexible enough to be able to comfortably move around), and injects a lethal dose of the newly developed "Spartan Projectile 3: Render Motionless" fluid (aka SP3RM fluid) into its victims. Unfortunately, the Boning Rod can only be used once every 5 minutes (Spartans have quite a stamina, but let's be realistic), and is obviously only useful if these new flood "seduction" forms can have their defenses penetrated. Since they have a very stringent prevent defense, he'll just have to rush in, pounding up the middle, and leave while they're still motionless to find his next victim. Given the limitations of the Boning Rod, if enough SP3RM is shot onto an enemy's face or chest the victim will go down on you.
Regarding Multi-Player variants of Halo 3: The Glorious Cavern, and Halo 4: The Divining Rod, expect new post-kill taunts, closely related to the "humping" or "tea-bagging" currently doled out on a regular basis, but now using the Boning Rod or Dual mini-rockets. With the advent of the "body controller" these new consoles will employ, players can also expect to feel more realistic sensations when playing, whether giving or taking punishment.
So as you can see, there is much to anticipate regarding Halo 3: The Glorious Cavern, and its sequel, Halo 4: The Divining Rod. But don't dispair, I'm sure the folks at Bungie will invent a new crisis for Master-biter to avert, so that Halo V: Spread the Legs of Freedom (on XBOX e^iπ) will be every bit as intense for all of us.
-Chapstick