So there I was, driving my mail truck through the woods, anxious to fill the empty bags with heaps of community curiosity. All of a sudden, a tree came crashing down into the road. With the shriek of locked brakes filling the air, I was able to come to a stop just inches from its shattered trunk.
Before I could collect my thoughts, my driver's side window was smashed. Masked thugs dragged me from behind the wheel. A bag was put over my head (you could say that it as a sack), and I was stuffed into the trunk of a car. That's when the black void of unconsciousness took me.
I awoke to a splash of cold water on my face. These kidnappers had sequestered me in an abandoned warehouse. I was surrounded by at least 6 of them, as they chain-smoked and chuckled at my attempts to free my hands from the binds that secured them behind my back. I finally stopped squirming and asked the inevitable question.
"What do you want?"
"We want you to answer our questions..." growled the lead among them.
"Every week, we ask you about things we want to know. And every week, all you do is mouth off about snacks and things that no one believes!"
"I don't negotiate with terrorists," I told them.
Next, I heard the shot. With a final whiff of sweet gunpowder snaking into my nostrils, I died.
Nevertheless, the sack is open. Not even death could keep me away.
p.s. None of that is really true. Sorry this is late.