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  • Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Call xbox.com "The Greatest Thing Ever"
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Call xbox.com "The Greatest Thing Ever"

There have been plenty of great websites over the years: 4chan, 9gag, Omegle, and any website that features scantily-clad women in exchange for a valid credit card. However, few websites have come close to even hoping to be as great as what users of The Flood are calling "the greatest thing ever."

xbox.com, (Not Xbox.com. That is reportedly a shock site and we do not suggest going there.) the official website for the frustratingly faulty hardware-oriented console known as the Xbox 360, has been heralded as God's most benevolent gift to all of mankind. Countless user testimonies have claimed that xbox.com is the ultimate website for any and all needs, from problems with matters of love and social problems to deciding one's daily activities and how to perform high-maintenance tasks such as replacing a flat tire or performing open heart surgery.

User Eric Duffy, prominent advocate for the use of xbox.com, agreed to do an interview with us concerning the explosion in the popularity of xbox.com:

The Ark:
How did you come across xbox.com? Is there a magical story of love and betrayal, or did you meet this sweet lover of a website in a completely random happenstance?

Eric:
I was a poor, wasted soul, with no answers to any of my solutions, and there it was, with all it's glory.

The Ark:
Why did you become such a strong advocate for the use of xbox.com? What qualities make it such a God-damn amazing website to use?

Eric:
It's xbox.com, it has the best answers.

The Ark:
Let's say a user on the forums is having trouble with their family life. In a simple phrase, what would you be most likely to tell this user to do?

Eric:
Try xbox.com.

The Ark:
If you had to describe xbox.com with a single word, what word would you use?

Eric:
Amazing.

The Ark:
One final question before we let you go back to informing the masses about the wonders that is xbox.com: Is xbox.com the greatest thing ever? What online sources can confirm your answer?

Eric:
Yes. xbox.com can confirm it.


We here at The Ark can only say this concerning Mr. Duffy: What an amazing visionary of a man.

Local Floodian Bluedonut1 had a dire issue pertaining to controlling wild and vicious animals near his home in the cult-classic bestseller known as Skyrim, imploring The Flood to give him assistance. After being instructed by countless sycophantic users to try xbox.com, Bluedonut1 returned crying with love that xbox.com was the most helpful website in assisting him with his issues.

If we didn't know any better, we'd say that xbox.com and Microsoft was using some sort of nanotechnology oriented around mind control, turning innocent people into mindless beasts who in turn would zealously entice others to join the advertising Xbox.com horde, much like a zombie apocalypse spearheaded by the greedy and stupidly wealthy Bill Gates.

However, we here at The Ark know better. If you don't believe us, we heavily suggest you try xbox.com. It's the greatest. It will solve all your problems. All your troubles will dissolve away. All hail xbox.com. All hail Bill Gates.

This is Jacob McSlaughter, Ace Reporter of The Ark and benefactor of the new Microsoft Mind Control Policy Through the Use of xbox.com and Nanotechnology, signing off.


Ever wanted to know what the hell is up with The Ark? Send in your private messages to me (Ghost/Jacob McSlaughter) with questions about The Ark, and they'll be answered in an upcoming edition of Private Messages With the Editor. Any and all questions are taken, as long as they're badass.
The Ark is slicing your face with cutting-edge reporting and yellow journalism as of right now. The Ark is your only totally unbiased and not-at-all corrupted source for the ever-evolving phenomenon known as The Flood, as well as the Bungie.net community. To find out more about the awesome, check us out to see what's so great about us.

[Edited on 04.29.2012 7:09 PM PDT]

  • 04.29.2012 6:42 PM PDT

Yay. My post mattered!

OT: Try xbox.com

  • 04.29.2012 6:43 PM PDT
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

R.I.P. Green Day 1989-1997

I SENSE MEDIA LIES

DONT TRUST THE NEWS

  • 04.29.2012 6:43 PM PDT

What if I told you...

*scoots in closer*

I hate you


Posted by: Eric Duffy
lol.

Oh you

  • 04.29.2012 6:44 PM PDT
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

"The meaning of justice can change from one day to the next. A professional soldier never brings justice into the mission. Politics are fickle, they change with the times. So long as we remain loyal to our countries, soldiers like us need nothing to believe in." - Snake

Ghost 45, Do you take request?

  • 04.29.2012 6:44 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing Ever&q...

I'm an Indonesian Halo (and other games) gamer!
Bhineka Tunggal Ika!!


Posted by: Ghost 45
xbox.com

No! You get it wrong, it's xbox.com!

  • 04.29.2012 6:44 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"


Posted by: Unit 076

Posted by: Ghost 45
xbox.com

No! You get it wrong, it's xbox.com!

Curses! My reputation as a yellow journalist has been ruined for the ninth time this week!

Posted by: Beyond hope
Ghost 45, Do you take request?

Singing or writing?

[Edited on 04.29.2012 6:46 PM PDT]

  • 04.29.2012 6:45 PM PDT

xbox.com is terrible but, xbox.com is alright.

[Edited on 04.29.2012 6:46 PM PDT]

  • 04.29.2012 6:46 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Flood Testimony Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"

post of the day

  • 04.29.2012 6:46 PM PDT
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

Wow

  • 04.29.2012 6:47 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

"The meaning of justice can change from one day to the next. A professional soldier never brings justice into the mission. Politics are fickle, they change with the times. So long as we remain loyal to our countries, soldiers like us need nothing to believe in." - Snake


Posted by: Ghost 45

Posted by: Unit 076

Posted by: Ghost 45
xbox.com

No! You get it wrong, it's xbox.com!

Curses! My reputation as a yellow journalist has been ruined for the ninth time this week!

Posted by: Beyond hope
Ghost 45, Do you take request?

Singing or writing?


Either.

  • 04.29.2012 6:49 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Call xbox.com "The Greatest Thing Ever"

If I haven't fired you yet, it's because I'm still firing your mom in bed.

I guess xbox.com is the new Gentoo. But if you ever have troubles connecting to xbox.com with your inferior systems, you can always install Gentoo.

  • 04.29.2012 7:05 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

"The meaning of justice can change from one day to the next. A professional soldier never brings justice into the mission. Politics are fickle, they change with the times. So long as we remain loyal to our countries, soldiers like us need nothing to believe in." - Snake


Posted by: Ghost 45

Posted by: Beyond hope
Either.

Yes.


Can you make a story/song about the wise member "Beyond hope"?

  • 04.29.2012 7:07 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Call xbox.com "The Greatest Thing Ever"
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

R.I.P. Green Day 1989-1997


Posted by: Beyond hope

Posted by: Ghost 45

Posted by: Beyond hope
Either.

Yes.


Can you make a story/song about the wise member "Beyond hope"?


No! Make another story about xbox.com

[Edited on 04.29.2012 7:08 PM PDT]

  • 04.29.2012 7:08 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"


Posted by: Beyond hope
Can you make a story/song about the wise member "Beyond hope"?

Can you make a name for yourself?

  • 04.29.2012 7:18 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Flood Testimony Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"

Posted by: Kneecap
I keep on getting in conversations with a person who calls me John.

Edit Wikipedia

  • 04.29.2012 7:18 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Calls xbox.com "The Greatest Thing"
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

"The meaning of justice can change from one day to the next. A professional soldier never brings justice into the mission. Politics are fickle, they change with the times. So long as we remain loyal to our countries, soldiers like us need nothing to believe in." - Snake


Posted by: Ghost 45

Posted by: Beyond hope
Can you make a story/song about the wise member "Beyond hope"?

Can you make a name for yourself?


I can, With my skill and just a little bit of luck.

  • 04.29.2012 7:21 PM PDT
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

R.I.P. Green Day 1989-1997


Posted by: Beyond hope

Posted by: Ghost 45

Posted by: Beyond hope
Can you make a story/song about the wise member "Beyond hope"?

Can you make a name for yourself?


I can, With my skill and just a little bit of luck.


xbox.com can solve your problems.

  • 04.29.2012 7:21 PM PDT
Subject: The Ark: Testimonies Call xbox.com "The Greatest Thing Ever"
  •  | 
  • Exalted Mythic Member

I came for Halo, but I heard the Tru7h, fought thru Carnage, and stayed for Bungie.

No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.--Teddy Roosevelt

Whatever you do, don't try xbox.org
It poses as a malformed copy of xbox.com
Just look at it!


[Edited on 04.29.2012 7:43 PM PDT]

  • 04.29.2012 7:41 PM PDT


Posted by: CoRaMo
Whatever you do, don't try xbox.org
It poses as a malformed copy of xbox.com
Just look at it!

My God, what sort of disgusting treachery is this?! The creators of this atrocity should be beaten and hanged.

  • 04.29.2012 8:20 PM PDT
  •  | 
  • Senior Legendary Member

Typing in random letters = somewhat coherent username!

This is the funniest thing i've seen all day. Even funnier than the humour section of xbox.com

  • 04.29.2012 8:30 PM PDT