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Subject: The Bungie.net Bible - Book 2 Completed

"There's daggers in men's smiles." - Donalbain, Macbeth, Act II, scene iii

:::
Bungie.net Bible, Book of HFCS
In the beginning the Webmaster created Bungie.net and all of its contained forums.

Thus Bungie.net and its contained forums were completed in all their vast array.

By the seventh day the Webmaster had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then the Webmaster pissed on the seventh day and, because he hated all things holy and light, he made it darker, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

This is the account of Bungie.net and its contained forums when they were created, when the Webmaster made the website and its contained forums.

Now no CSS had yet appeared on Bungie.net and no Javascript had yet sprung up, for the Webmaster had not sent a coder to Bungie.net and there was no one to work the code, but ideas came up for Bungie.net and these ideas were prepared for implementation in the code. Then the Webmaster formed the first account with the first barebones version of WLID and breathed into its nostrils the breath of life, and the account became an unholy, living being [Disembodied Soul].

Now the Webmaster had assigned a man [Achronos] to the basement, in the Bungie Building; and there he put Achronos to good work and gave him access to the Disembodied Soul. The Webmaster made the HFCS for only the Webmaster and Achronos to plan the functionality of Bungie.net. In the middle of Bungie.net was the Code of Conduct and the HFCS.

The Webmaster took Achronos and put him in the HFCS to work on Bungie.net and take care of it. And the Webmaster commanded Achronos, "You are free to join any of the private groups in Bungie.net; but you must not let ANYONE into the HFCS, for when you do so you will surely be beaten with a wet noodle."

The Webmaster said, "It is not good for Achronos to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Now the Webmaster had formed out of the Bungie Lore all the inside jokes and Bungie catchphrases on the website. He brought them to Achronos to see what he would name them; and whatever Achronos called each item before him, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the inside jokes and catchphrases.

But for Achronos there was still no suitable helper. So the Webmaster caused Achronos to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of Achronos's slices of toast and then replaced it with a fake. Then the Webmaster lured a man with the toast he had taken from Achronos, and he brought the new man to him [Achronos] and made a place for the new man in the HFCS.

Achronos said,

"This man is a foolish follower of toast
he gave into the cravings of the flesh;
so he shall be called Stosh'
and he shall be a hater of toast. "

Achronos and Stosh neither had custom avatars or yellow text, and they felt no shame.

Now Marty the Elder was more crafty than any of the members of Bungie.net. He said to Stosh, "Did the Webmaster really say, 'You must not let anyone into the HFCS? "

Stosh said to the Elder, "We may join any private group on Bungie.net, but the Webmaster did say, 'You must not let anyone into the HFCS, or you will be beaten with a wet noodle.'"

"You will certainly not be beaten with a wet noodle," the Elder said to Stosh. "For the Webmaster knows that when you do so you will be able to gain knowledge from other intelligent members, and you will be like the Webmaster, knowing what is good and what is downright retarded."

When Stosh saw that power like that of the Webmaster was pleasing to the ego, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, he let Foman into the HFCS. When Achronos saw Stosh's actions, he did the same and let Recon Number 54 into the HFCS. Then Foman and Recon Number 54 pointed out that Achronos and Stosh didn't have anything special like custom avatars and yellow text; so they manipulated the HTML and CSS and gave themselves custom avatars and yellow text.

Then Achronos and Stosh heard the sound of the Webmaster as he was walking down the stairs toward the basement, and they hid from the Webmaster behind their desks. But the Webmaster called to Achronos, "Where are you?"

Achronos answered, "I heard you on the stairs, and I was afraid because I exploited the code and to make myself awesome; so I hid."

And the Webmaster, so furious that monkeys flew out of his butt, said, "Who told you that you could exploit the code? Have you let someone else into the HFCS?"

Achronos said, "The hater of toast you put here with me let someone in the HFCS, so I did the same. Blame him."

Then the Webmaster said to the Stosh, "What is this you have done?"

Stosh said, "The Elder deceived me, so I did it."

The Webmaster cursed Marty the Elder to write music for Bungie's games for all of eternity. Then the Webmaster whipped Achronos, Stosh, Foman, and Recon Number 54 with a wet noodle, which became a ritual for future members of the HFCS. Achronos and Stosh had opened the gates, so the Webmaster saw no alternative but to let selected others into the HFCS. Then the Webmaster stationed the Disembodied Soul at the gates of the HFCS to keep the common rabble out, and to keep the others in.

The Webmaster made custom avatars and colored text for Achronos and Stosh and the other members of the HFCS. And the Webmaster said, "These men and women have now become like one of me, knowing how to exploit elitism and power."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Bungie.net Bible, Book of the Valve Rivalry
Now there arose a new community leader over Bungie.net, whose name was Urk. And he said to his people, "Look, the people at Valve are more and mightier than we; come, let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they multiply, and it happen, in the event of war, that they also join our rivals and create better games than us, and so run us out of business." Therefore they arranged softball games with them to accidentally-on-purpose pelt them with softballs without their knowing. And they built for Urk spin-off websites, Bungie.admin and Bungieur.net. But the more they pelted Valve people with softballs, the more they multiplied and grew. And the Bungie.net community was in dread of the Valve community. So the Bungie community made the Valve community play even more softball. And they made their lives bitter with broken teeth, black eyes, and in all manner of pain in the field. All the games that they were forced to play were difficult and frustrating.

Then Urk spoke to the women of Bungie.net, of whom the name of one was Don Wan and the name of the other Mehve; and he said, "When we play the softball games, and you see a Valve woman with child, if it is a son, then you shall kidnap him; but if it is a daughter, then she shall remain." But the Don Wan and Mehve feared the Webmaster, and did not do as Urk commanded them, but left the Valve children alone. So Urk called for the women and said to them, "Why have you done this thing, and left the male children alone?"

And the women said to Urk, "Because the Valve women are not like the Bungie.net women; for they are lively and give birth and don't let their children find their beer stashes."

Therefore The Webmaster dealt well with the women, and the Bungie.net people multiplied and grew very mighty. And so it was, because the Don Wan and Mehve feared The Webmaster, that He provided a new wave of Bungie.net members to provide annoyance to the moderators.

Then Urk commanded all the community, saying, "You shall cast softballs at every Valve son that is born, but every daughter you shall leave alone. This is the creed of our rivalry with Valve."

[Edited on 08.15.2012 8:05 PM PDT]

  • 07.03.2012 9:30 PM PDT
Subject: The Bungie.net Bible

This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends;
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Pfff. Everybody knows this story is just a metaphor. Bungie.net evolved from random lines of code over millions of years.

  • 07.03.2012 9:33 PM PDT

Marty is... Satan?
D:

  • 07.03.2012 9:33 PM PDT
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Talk to the Soul | ~B.B. | Know Your Duardo |  | Hero | ISFJ | 77135 | 94371

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

Sometimes I wonder if Achronos or any other Bungie employees ever get freaked out with what we post....

Nice story though. Having Marty be the manipulator seems like a good choice.

  • 07.03.2012 9:35 PM PDT

"There's daggers in men's smiles." - Donalbain, Macbeth, Act II, scene iii

Posted by: Duardo
Having Marty be the manipulator seems like a good choice.


The role seemed fitting given the fact that he's the one pulling the strings.

  • 07.03.2012 9:37 PM PDT
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Dead Orbit Is Best Orbit

So the webmaster never bestowed any knowledge of what is right or wrong to HCFS? How will they know who to ban?

  • 07.03.2012 9:45 PM PDT
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Posted by: burritosenior
Marty is... Satan?
D:

Lawlz.
Marty is probably the most religious guy at Bungie. When he finds out he is Satan, he's not going to be very happy.

  • 07.03.2012 10:13 PM PDT

Man of God. Fan of Bungie. Eater of many Jr. Bacon cheeseburgers.


Posted by: AutobahnRacer
Posted by: Duardo
Having Marty be the manipulator seems like a good choice.


The role seemed fitting given the fact that he's the one pulling the strings.

If you were a comedian at my bar, I'd give you a raise for that one.

  • 07.03.2012 10:14 PM PDT

The Forerunner, the Great Journey, and Heaven Theory

[Announcement Trailer] Halo: Forerunner

Posted by: Agustus
I lol'd at the absurd miscommunication that occurs whenever dibbs post something. Perhaps his brain is so highly evolved that he can no longer clearly communicate with lesser life forms, even among his own species.

A religion thread? MY EYES ARE BURNING.

  • 07.03.2012 10:14 PM PDT

"You get what you put into it."

When Legendary is too mainstream, you have Heroic. When you're the leader of the church of MLGeezus, have Epic in your username, and can't write 'About Me's' to save your life, what do you get?

This guy. And now, an side note: Most things I post contain lethal doses of sarcasm, so be warned, and try not to take me seriously.

Finally, a message to Bungie trolls everywhere.

This could be the best thing I've read all day. Well done OP.

  • 07.03.2012 10:40 PM PDT

Oh, God, I can't bare to imagine what the hell you would do to Exodus...

  • 07.03.2012 10:46 PM PDT

He's right on top of us! I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using...

Ockeghem
Missa Prolationum


Posted by: xXIHAYD0IXx
Pfff. Everybody knows this story is just a metaphor. Bungie.net evolved from random lines of code over millions of years.


lol



Still, you will need more to contend with the Bungie Creationist Museum...

  • 07.03.2012 10:54 PM PDT

Swag punks, fu­­ck off!

I was amused.

[Edited on 07.03.2012 11:17 PM PDT]

  • 07.03.2012 11:08 PM PDT

"I'm uncomfortable."
-True Underdog
Young Grasshopper of The Year: ChorrizoTapatio 2012

A little bit of sausage, a little bit of hot sauce, a whole lot of awesome. Have a question? Ask me!
Chapter

This is great.

/threadsaved

  • 07.03.2012 11:25 PM PDT


Posted by: AutobahnRacer
Posted by: Duardo
Having Marty be the manipulator seems like a good choice.


The role seemed fitting given the fact that he's the one pulling the strings.
Can't believe I laughed at that cheesy joke -.-

  • 07.04.2012 12:29 AM PDT

Slightly disturbing... But cool at the same time.

I feel like employees mentioned in these would just give a simple "wtf"? Hahaha.

  • 07.04.2012 2:45 AM PDT

How do I unsee this?

  • 07.04.2012 2:47 AM PDT

This world wants to drag you down... And the weight, that guilt they want to hang around your neck, you don’t have to carry it one more step. You think they won’t let you rest, but it’s not up to them. It never was.

This is beautiful.

  • 07.04.2012 2:56 AM PDT

"There's daggers in men's smiles." - Donalbain, Macbeth, Act II, scene iii

Posted by: LordOfBlah51
I feel like employees mentioned in these would just give a simple "wtf"? Hahaha.


I agree. Like Duardo said earlier. I wonder if the employees are ever disturbed by some of the shenanigans we post.

Regardless, I'd bet they find some of the aforementioned shenanigans almost as amusing as we do.

  • 07.04.2012 5:14 AM PDT

@spawn031

"So much of what we do is ephemeral and quickly forgotten, even by ourselves, so it's gratifying to have something you have done linger in people's memories." John Williams

Yeah, we need some new content to talk about. I think we're all slowly losing it. Some more than others.

  • 07.04.2012 6:25 AM PDT
  •  | 
  • Exalted Mythic Member

I came for Halo, but I heard the Tru7h, fought thru Carnage, and stayed for Bungie.

No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.--Teddy Roosevelt

Posted by: Duardo
Sometimes I wonder if Achronos or any other Bungie employees ever get freaked out with what we post....

The Darkness, it makes us go CCRRRAAAAAAAAAAAZZYY!

  • 07.04.2012 6:38 AM PDT

Man of God. Fan of Bungie. Eater of many Jr. Bacon cheeseburgers.


Posted by: spawn031
Yeah, we need some new content to talk about. I think we're all slowly losing it. Some more than others.


I lost it a long time ago. I'm feeling rather rampant.

  • 07.04.2012 6:56 AM PDT

Driven by success.
Follow me if you wish:@JamilDeanTriaa

"All hail The Webmaster!"

  • 07.04.2012 10:19 AM PDT

Faux-Religious fan-fic? I can dig it.

  • 07.04.2012 10:21 AM PDT

Haha! Pretty awesome!

  • 07.04.2012 10:22 AM PDT

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