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Subject: My first Story 1st draft
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A Part of the City
Part 1

No one seemed to notice when he walked through the doors. Only people that live in the Lower Levels frequented this establishment, and he wasn't from the Lower Levels. The GlassHouse was a very little known bar that the Boss owned. If people knew that he owned it, they didn't mention it. Not many people from the Lower Levels recognized him, certainly not the patrons of this particular locale. Which in this case was a good thing; he didn't need people knowing that he was in these types of bars at this time of night. He walked up to the main bar without anyone questioning him.

He didn't want to be here. He didn't think what the Boss was doing was bad. But these people contacted him, and he knew that he should take the chance to stop the Boss. Be first he needed a drink. "I'll have one of your stronger drinks."

"Yes sir," the attendant regarded him, "Someone of your repute doesn't usually visit places like this." The attendant recognized him. Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all. Maybe his name getting out there wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Maybe some people knowing who he was would help; it might even help in his mission. The attendant stared at him, as if asking for a reason for him to be in his bar.

He downed his glass before speaking. "Someone," he paused as if for emphasis, "Of my repute doesn't usually pay for drinks." Glaring at the attendant he dropped a few small coins on the bar and walked away from it. He wasn't interested in conversation. The attendant went on with his business without challenging his presence again. He sat down at one of the tables and waited for the appointed time. One of the women of the establishment walked up to him and grabbed his hand, and he remembered the kind of place that he was in.

"Looking for a good time?" she asked, putting her other arm around him.

"No, I have other business here." He didn't need this; it was getting close to the meeting time.

"What other business would someone come to the GlassHouse for?" she glanced at him as if horrified, "You came here for the music didn't you?" she laughed.

He laughed too, "No, not the music, I have an important meeting with a friend." He stopped smiling, "A very important meeting."

Her facial expression told him that she understood the situation. "Well, if you need anything I will be right over there." She pointed towards the stairs leading up to the second floor of the GlassHouse. He wondered what sort of things happened up there, but it was only for a second. He couldn't take her eyes off her as she walked away.

He took his eyes off her when a bearded man with a long coat and dark glasses sat down at the table opposite him. "Are you here for the extracurricular activities, or other purposes?" The bearded man crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair, staring at him.

"Same purpose as you I suppose, seeing the way you are dressed." The man obviously wasn't here for the women. "Let's go somewhere more private shall we?"

"No, we will stay here." The man stayed put in his chair like a rock. "We'll have a drink first." Silence reigned until the drinks arrived, each man regarding the other. "Let's have a toast To the Boss, the reason we are here."

He had barely swallowed when his head hit the floor.

Part 2

He opened his eyes; he was lying on a bed. His clothes were changed. He examined his surroundings. There was a red glow to the room, mostly dark. A woman was sitting in a chair near the bed. When his vision cleared he realized it was the woman who had talked to him in the bar. "Where am I?"

"Second floor of the GlassHouse. You had a nasty fall back there. Didn't want to see you get robbed. I took the liberty of changing your clothes. Hope you won't mind."



The End.

Kill me with Fire. I deserve it for this piece of crap.
Criticize the hell out of it.

  • 12.04.2012 8:36 PM PDT

Bones of my enemies.

Needs aliens.

  • 12.04.2012 8:37 PM PDT

No u

10/10

Would read again.

  • 12.04.2012 8:37 PM PDT

Tl;dr lol

  • 12.04.2012 8:37 PM PDT

Unto the Fray we go

*clapclapclap* I love it, I love it, I love it.

  • 12.04.2012 8:39 PM PDT
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Posted by: Doctor Jensen
10/10

Would read again.


It took you one minute. Should be easy to read again. ^_^

  • 12.04.2012 8:39 PM PDT

But who was phone?

  • 12.04.2012 8:39 PM PDT
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im TXI HUNTER

um wat
ahh it doesnt work
OT: TL;DR

[Edited on 12.04.2012 8:40 PM PST]

  • 12.04.2012 8:39 PM PDT
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Posted by: mr pie123
But who was phone?


huh?

  • 12.04.2012 8:40 PM PDT


Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: mr pie123
But who was phone?


huh?

Exactly...

  • 12.04.2012 8:41 PM PDT
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Writer's Corner
6/15/2011 11:39 PM: bobcast [2597260] issued a 3 day ban expiring on 6/18/2011 11:39 PM.
Reason: A Bungie.net Forum Moderator has banned you for violating the code of conduct and/or rules of the forum in the thread below
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=61704535
Inappropriate. Went a little to far with the butt hole tearing.

Some of your description is redundant. You need to have more transition.

You need to be careful with verb tense. Towards the beginning, it seems like the protagonist is The Boss.

Your story does not really go anywhere.

  • 12.04.2012 8:44 PM PDT
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Posted by: petitminou
Some of your description is redundant.


example?



You need to have more transition.



ok




Your story does not really go anywhere.



Only first draft. I'm getting there.

  • 12.04.2012 8:45 PM PDT

Challenge me to a Hawaiian Punch chugging contest. I dare you.


Posted by: mubox47
$.50 in store credit.

Not bad, but a few issues.

I don't like your first paragraph at all. You seem to be attempting to describe both the character and the city at the same time, and sort of jump back and forth between the two. It seemed a little cluttered and unorganized.

It seemed too bare in a few parts, Like: "No, we will stay here." The man stayed put in his chair like a rock. "We'll have a drink first." Silence reigned until the drinks arrived, each man regarding the other. "Let's have a toast To the Boss, the reason we are here."
Could have used the silence to do a lot of things. Explained what the main character thought of the man he examined, or of the place they were in via his thoughts. It seemed like a really weak filler. Guy shows up, they drink, stuff happens. There was room for more substance in there.

You should describe the setting a lot more. I understand that there's a pacing involved and you don't want to throw the whole world at readers all at once, but there's basically no description of anything. What city are they in? Why are there levels? What do the people and places look like? What time does this story take place? It was very bland. And within two parts at least something of the setting should be known.

You also had four characters in these two parts, and not a single one had a name. The bar man could have introduced himself, the girl could have given her name to the potential customer, the shady guy that shows up could have at least given a fake name. Again, at two parts in you shouldnt be referring to three different people as "the man" and "the woman" and "the other man."

It has potential though. I'd be interested in seeing where it goes.

  • 12.04.2012 8:47 PM PDT
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Posted by: The EAKLE


I will definitely work on what you brought up. :)

  • 12.04.2012 8:48 PM PDT

No u


Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Doctor Jensen
10/10

Would read again.


It took you one minute. Should be easy to read again. ^_^
i stand by what I said.

  • 12.04.2012 8:50 PM PDT
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Writer's Corner
6/15/2011 11:39 PM: bobcast [2597260] issued a 3 day ban expiring on 6/18/2011 11:39 PM.
Reason: A Bungie.net Forum Moderator has banned you for violating the code of conduct and/or rules of the forum in the thread below
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=61704535
Inappropriate. Went a little to far with the butt hole tearing.


Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: petitminou
Some of your description is redundant.


example?




Your first paragraph.

  • 12.04.2012 8:50 PM PDT
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Posted by: Doctor Jensen

Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Doctor Jensen
10/10

Would read again.


It took you one minute. Should be easy to read again. ^_^
i stand by what I said.


10/10?? really?

  • 12.04.2012 8:51 PM PDT
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Posted by: petitminou

Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: petitminou
Some of your description is redundant.


example?


Your first paragraph.


haha, gotcha. I'll fix that.

  • 12.04.2012 8:52 PM PDT
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It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.

  • 12.04.2012 8:54 PM PDT
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Posted by: Zombine
It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.


that would be amazing!

  • 12.04.2012 8:56 PM PDT

Challenge me to a Hawaiian Punch chugging contest. I dare you.


Posted by: mubox47
$.50 in store credit.


Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Zombine
It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.


that would be amazing!
I think you two would like this.

  • 12.04.2012 8:56 PM PDT
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Posted by: The EAKLE

Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Zombine
It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.


that would be amazing!
I think you two would like this.


thank you.

  • 12.04.2012 8:58 PM PDT
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Alright, here goes then. Wrote this a year ago as part of an interview to be hired as a writer on a virtual novel, but the project fell through. It's just two pages.
Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Zombine
It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.


that would be amazing!


Adrian sat in the corner, tears rolling down his eyes as he tried not to think of the body in the next room, or that the only thing he felt was relieved. He shivered and hugged the wall closer and asked himself how he could only feel relief. How could he ever forgive himself now? He was a monster, and no one would understand why he did it and he would go to jail for the rest of his life. He tried to calm himself by saying it was the only option he had, but he knew deep down that it was a lie. It was his fault for putting them in this situation and he alone was responsible. There was no getting around it.

Slowly he pulled himself off the ground and inched himself around the corner. He could just see the feet, but he was too scared to move forward. He started to sink back to the ground again but forced himself forward. He walked to the body and rolled it over. The body was so light and Adrian could see the boy's ribs through the skin which had sunk from malnourishment. Adrian rolled the body over and kissed the boy's forehead as tears rolled off his cheeks onto the boy's face.

"I'm so, so sorry," Adrian said. He got up and searched for a blanket and covered the body up. He said goodbye one last time and walked out the door into the darkened streetway, safe from the eyes of the authorities. He shivered from the cold, drew his thin blanket around his body and walked down the street to the lit area and stepped past the scanners that were placed at every corner.

The buildings in this area of the city were old; they had been around since before the war and rarely were passed over by the watchful blimps that crowded the skies of the inner city. A person couldn't get away with anything in the inner city, and could rarely escape to the outer areas without being questioned and searched. You could never reenter the inner city unless you flew in, and none of the residents of the outer city could afford that. It was a lawless area, the only of its kind on the entire Eastern seaboard. The authorities rarely bothered policing the out city, which made it a haven for criminals and the dangerous. The outer city was extremely poor, and one would often find back-alley shop that would pay for body parts and would sell those on the black market. Adrian was only fourteen, but he had already sold two fingers and a toe just to afford food.

Adrian walked up to the noodle stand as the bright purple fluorescent lights of a spinner, an older hovercraft model that was used regularly in the outer city, zipped behind him on the street. "I haven't seen you in two weeks!" said the fat man behind the stand. "You've got to be damn hungry, have you sold another finger? I've got a fresh batch of noodles, they're only three days old! Say, where's that brother of yours?"

The question stung Adrian to his core. It hurt worse than when he gave up his finger for a mere bowl of food. He could feel tears springing up to his eyes and blinked so they wouldn't pour down his face. "Oh, well, at least you've got more food for yourself now," the man said. "Now, are you going to buy something or what? There's a line behind you, now buy something or scram!"

Adrian turned and left the line, walking out into the street. He was blinded by the tears in his face as he thought of his little brother. He was going to turn six next month, and Adrian was going to sell another toe so he could afford a present. It would have been his brother's first birthday present since their dad killed their mother, then turned the gun on himself. Adrian had raised his brother since then. It had started out fine, squatting in the pre-war buildings and stealing whatever they could. They had managed to get by until last year, when a drug kingpin took over the building and kicked them out. It had all been downhill from there.

It got to the point where Adrian could no longer afford to feed his brother, so he started selling his appendages to afford food but it wasn't enough. Last week his brother had become sick, and even if Adrian had sold himself into slavery he wouldn't be able to afford any medicine. He struggled for days to think of a way to take care of his brother, but to no avail. That morning he realized he couldn't save his brother no matter how many limbs he sold or however many years of slavery he sold himself for. He snuck his brother into a pre-war building and played games with him all day long, trying to make his last day as nice as possible. When his brother went to sleep, Adrian cried and cried, desperately trying to avoid it but he knew his brother would only starve to death or die a slow death from his illness. He snuck over to his sleeping brother and suffocated him. He felt his little brother struggle, and then go limp. Adrian walked to the next room and cried and cried and eventually fell asleep. He didn't know how long he was asleep, but it felt like an eternity.

Adrian saw the purple lights out of the corner of his eyes and turned to see a spinner rushing toward him. He tried to move out of the way but the spinner hit him. He felt the vehicle crush his chest as he was sucked under it, and he lay on the ground unable to move. He could feel blood pooling under him and looked around for help, but no one in line at the stand came over to help him. Some just stood there watching him and others walked off. Not even the man in the spinner came back. He laid there in his own blood, unable to breathe as everything started to fade. He started seeing hallucinations of his brother.

"I'm so sorry," Adrian cried out, "I wasn't able to take care of you." His brother leaned closer and whispered into his ear "I forgive you." Adrian looked back up for his brother but he was gone. He leaned his head back and gasped one last time for air, then smiled as everything faded away.

  • 12.04.2012 8:58 PM PDT
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Nice! Thanks for the link, I didn't know a group like this existed.
Posted by: The EAKLE

Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Zombine
It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.


that would be amazing!
I think you two would like this.

  • 12.04.2012 8:59 PM PDT
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Posted by: Zombine
Nice! Thanks for the link, I didn't know a group like this existed.
Posted by: The EAKLE

Posted by: iwritestories

Posted by: Zombine
It was a little interesting, but fairly repetitive. Same complaints as described above. Would anyone mind if I posted a short story I wrote? We could turn this into a Floodian writing thread.


that would be amazing!
I think you two would like this.


How many active users are there in that group?

  • 12.04.2012 9:01 PM PDT

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