Off Topic: The Flood
This topic has moved here: Subject: Short Story - Not sure if good.
  • Subject: Short Story - Not sure if good.
Subject: Short Story - Not sure if good.

Key

So I write quite a bit and sometimes I've even been known to write a short story when I'm bored. I've been told by English teachers and peers in the past that I'm a good writer, but my most common criticism is that my sentences can, at times, become rather tangential and hard-to-navigate. Either way, I got pretty invested in this short story (you can tell because I finished it, something I usually don't do) and wanted some feedback and since you're here and my English teacher isn't I figured I'd see what you all thought of it.

Bear in mind: in Word it was around 6 pages long and its ~3000 words and, as is customary with almost all short stories, there is no TL;DR.

So, without further ado, One More Time.

e: Oh well...

e2: Hoped I'd get at least one person to reply... :(

©

[Edited on 12.04.2012 11:13 PM PST]

  • 12.04.2012 10:24 PM PDT

*hiss*

shhhhhhhh

no words

only harvesting

*hiss*

  • 12.30.2012 12:24 AM PDT

Gamertag: KoB Kuro Yakobi

Im a anime fan. If you every need a anime recommendation just PM me. Currently watched over 280 anime.

My word its beautiful.

  • 12.30.2012 12:25 AM PDT

@trueunderdog

Chapter

Narwhallace Smithington: Gone, but not forgotten. Never approve of anything lil guy. <3
Furious George: The new -blam!-

Read me a bed time story, Z.

  • 12.30.2012 12:33 AM PDT

Key


Posted by: True Underdog
Read me a bed time story, Z.
Once upon a time there was a brick wall made of pancakes...

  • 12.30.2012 12:38 AM PDT


Posted by: CrazzySnipe55
brick wall made of pancakes...

But... but how?

  • 12.30.2012 12:39 AM PDT


Posted by: CrazzySnipe55

Posted by: True Underdog
Read me a bed time story, Z.
Once upon a time there was a brick wall made of pancakes...


The year was 1995 and he had to take a movie back to blockbuster...

[Edited on 12.30.2012 12:40 AM PST]

  • 12.30.2012 12:40 AM PDT

Love metal? / Play an instrument?
Zuneman loves me

Posted by: Jesse Pinkman
You look like a handsome drug dealer


Posted by: SPLEEEEENS

Posted by: CrazzySnipe55
brick wall made of pancakes...

But... but how?
You've never had his grandmother's pancakes.

  • 12.30.2012 12:40 AM PDT

@trueunderdog

Chapter

Narwhallace Smithington: Gone, but not forgotten. Never approve of anything lil guy. <3
Furious George: The new -blam!-

Posted by: SPLEEEEENS

Posted by: CrazzySnipe55
brick wall made of pancakes...

But... but how?


This is how.

  • 12.30.2012 12:40 AM PDT

"There's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I'd like to think that I walk that line every day."

Posted by: JustAnotherName
The year was 1995 and he had to take a movie back to blockbuster...
"I have to return some video tapes," he said.

  • 12.30.2012 12:41 AM PDT


Posted by: True Underdog
Posted by: SPLEEEEENS

Posted by: CrazzySnipe55
brick wall made of pancakes...

But... but how?


This is how.

It's... it's all so clear now!

  • 12.30.2012 12:41 AM PDT

Love metal? / Play an instrument?
Zuneman loves me

Posted by: Jesse Pinkman
You look like a handsome drug dealer


Posted by: BROWN HAWK
Posted by: JustAnotherName
The year was 1995 and he had to take a movie back to blockbuster...
"I have to return some video tapes," he said.

But he returned sorbet to the store instead.

  • 12.30.2012 12:42 AM PDT

Key


Posted by: True Underdog
Posted by: SPLEEEEENS

Posted by: CrazzySnipe55
brick wall made of pancakes...

But... but how?


This is how.
Ha! classic .aspx trick.

*looks closer*

/Account/Profile.aspx?memberID=8630308

...oh..........

OT,though:
Posted by: jacobwseibers
My word its beautiful.
If you DID read it, thank you. It's changed a LOT since that draft, as I gave up on getting feedback from The Flood, haha.

[Edited on 12.30.2012 12:59 AM PST]

  • 12.30.2012 12:47 AM PDT

The Tech Game

1,000,000+ Members, and still going strong!

This is one interesting thread!!

  • 12.30.2012 2:26 PM PDT