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  • Subject: Help with my college essay please? (long read) ADVICE
Subject: Help with my college essay please? (long read) ADVICE

For real this time. I need help from every person who has been admitted into a university. I need all your advice! Thank you.

Here's what I have so far. I wish I could link to a downloadable attatchment or something but I cannot. So please read this essay and tell me how I may improve or change it, thank you

It has been about eighteen years since I was born in New York City, and I have spent roughly the last eight of those years in what I still call a new home, here in Clearwater Beach, Florida. My life has followed the clichéd and semi-charmed life of a teenager growing up in a very nice American neighborhood, although I am black.


I spend my falls playing football, and my springs running track. I spend my weeknights doing homework and my weekends at movies, parties, and friends' houses. Where I tend to stray from the cliché of the typical teenager is in my ability to be myself. It is with thanks to three random individuals, people to whom I never thought I would owe anything, that I was reminded of the importance of never compromising who I am just to make somebody else happy.

Somehow, standing 6'1, 190 pounds, and playing two sports religiously makes me fall into the category of the stereotypical athlete. Historically, high school athletes are supposed to make jeering remarks at kids who do not play sports and act differently from them. They are even supposed to poke fun at the kids who play sports, but do not get the playing time. I was never one to agree with this sort of thing, however, I almost did back in my sophomore year, because all of the other athletes were doing it. Well, all of them except these three seniors on the football team. These were all guys that were going on to play college ball somewhere and it is to them that I owe what will probably be the greatest lesson that I ever learned as a teenager.

It was during assembly, and all I was concerned about was getting to my break period, which was next. That was when Mr. Stallworth, the director of the drama program at my school, got on stage and said that there would be a special performance by the chorus. The audience groaned, because they knew this meant that break would be cut short. The stage lights kicked on, the curtain dropped and I will never forget what I saw next. The three burliest, meanest, and best seniors on our football team had decided to join the chorus. Seeing them up there singing about being someone's buttercup made me want to laugh until the tears ran, but I quickly decided it would not be wise to do so for fear of what might happen to my little sophomore self come practice that afternoon.

What overcame me next was a sensation of profound respect for those guys. They had crossed a line that the Hollywood gods and the higher-ups in society had dubbed as a taboo. I had always thought of them as being the stereotypical jocks, but seeing them belting their lungs out on stage proved to me that they were indeed more than just athletes.
What those seniors do not and may never know is that they changed me for a thousand lifetimes over. Seeing them up there with students who I never thought they would associate with made me realize that the only barriers the human race struggles to cross are the ones it creates. Since I saw that performance, I have made a point of talking to and hanging out with kids who I would not have normally associated myself with because of that invisible line. Today, I realize that if I had held myself back from different people, I would have been going along with the crowd. In essence, I would have compromised my own morals and values because someone else thought that they just were not good enough.

Thanks to those three seniors, I know that it is ok for me to be the king of my own life, instead of the pawn of someone else's.


So I made the paragraphs very easy to read. If you came into this thread, you owe it to me to leave some advice on college applications essays.

Thanks everyone, I'll back in the thread regularly, I'd love college graduate's opinions on getting in. Thank you!!

I don't care if you think it's too long, ha ha!! Go back to learn. Learn to read. Learn to read a title that says "long read' before complaining about something being too many words. PEACE

  • 12.14.2012 8:21 PM PDT

Life?
I have the internet and Doctor Who; i don't need a life.

what are you applying for?

  • 12.14.2012 8:29 PM PDT

Lt. Dan I brought you some ice cream. Lt. Dan.. ice creaaam!

Do your own homework

[Edited on 12.14.2012 8:32 PM PST]

  • 12.14.2012 8:30 PM PDT

In a time long past, the armies of the dark came again to the lands of men. Their leaders became known as the fallen lords, and their terrible sorcery was without equal in the west.
In 30 years they reduced the civilized nations into carrion and ash. Until the free city of Madrigal alone defined them. An army gathered there, and a desperate battle was joined against the fallen
Heros were born in the fire and bloodshed of the wars which followed and their names and deeds will never be forgotten

Man applying for college is such a pain but it is not that big of a deal once you are in.

I just got done with all my finals so I am not in the mood to think for a few days.

  • 12.14.2012 8:30 PM PDT

Great minds discuss ideas

Average minds discuss events

Small minds discuss people

Essays are generally used as a "tiebreaker" between admissions. If you're lucky (or actually tried in high school) then they won't matter that much.

Lucky, I still have 3 to go.
Posted by: spartain ken 15
I just got done with all my finals so I am not in the mood to think for a few days.

  • 12.14.2012 8:34 PM PDT

*Thinks about helping OP until reading*

Posted by: Hydro Pump
If you came into this thread, you owe it to me to leave some advice on college applications essays.


Yeah maybe if you didn't act like people owed you something when they don't they might actually help you. Also it would be helpful if you actually told us what you were suppose to be writing about instead of just posting the essay.

  • 12.14.2012 8:35 PM PDT

Life?
I have the internet and Doctor Who; i don't need a life.


Posted by: CultMiester4000
what are you applying for?
i ask this because it isn't obvious from what you put, and you should tailor what you put as much as possible to what subject(s) you're applying for.

  • 12.14.2012 8:36 PM PDT

From personal experience, the entire point of the essay section of an application was to prove you can write somewhat coherently. However, there is no context to your essay. If you're applying to a university and declaring a specific major, it could matter quite a bit.

I have one suggestion though. If this essay is something along the lines of, "explain why we should accept you", take out anything that could be perceived as negative. They work the same way a resume does. You only want to highlight your good qualities. Do not bring up even the possibility of a negative quality. In your example, you showcase that you could have been a bully. That is never something you want to say when you are trying to promote yourself.

Again, it's just a suggestion.

  • 12.14.2012 8:42 PM PDT
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There are several points you must have in your college application essay and they are:
~ Explaining why you want to study there
~ What you have done to demonstrate your interest to study in the respective college (the most important bit)
~ Why you choose this college among others
~ What your extra curricular activities have you participated earlier
~ Conclusion that reiterates your passion for the admission in that college
I believe, if you remap your ideas again in the logical order & rewrite them, that will be best application essay you may have for your college.
For your support, you can get some tips from http://www.personalstatementwriters.com/

[Edited on 12.16.2012 10:40 AM PST]

  • 12.16.2012 10:38 AM PDT
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Good, Better, Best. Chuck Norris

How about a tl;dr

  • 12.16.2012 10:40 AM PDT