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  • Subject: Do you want to read some of my book flood? Part of a fantasy novel.
Subject: Do you want to read some of my book flood? Part of a fantasy novel.

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

I started writing a book recently and thought I might post some of it on here.
It is in the fantasy genre, just to let you know. I'm going to put it one in two posts because it's quite long.

If you have any comments or thoughts, please feel free to leave them.

I hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading!



Here's a bit of backstory (as this is not the beginning of the book.)

The main character, Avros, was a prisoner of a great city named Rainstar until one day the highest authority in the city The High Mage came to free him. rainstar had lost its King to madness ten years earlier and the Prince to untimely death.

The Mage needs Avros to venture into a dark, evil valley that lies between Rainstar and Archwind Palace; these structures are built on two hills.

The reason for this excursion is that the Mage requires a particular rare plant: Shadowseal, for an unrevealed reason.
Avros obliges to take the job, as the prize for completing it and another (to be done later) is his freedom which he desires more than anything else.

we begin with this: Avros has slept the night in an inn and has now set off to the Valley to find the plant taking a torch with him.

Here it is:




Once Avros had left the village he immediately turned west and began making his way towards the valley. He was travelling across wide open plains dominated by long, green flowing grass that stretched in every direction.
Avros quickly began to jog making the best pace he could through the long grass; a brisk, strong wind was blowing tainted with the harsh chill of winter, being only the first days of spring and little past seven o'clock in the morning.

The conditions were perfect for running and Avros made good time across the plains. Winter's long grey marches of drab, leafless branches, stretched upward like long bony fingers pointing toward the sky, had been replaced by the fresh, bright green trees of spring, thickets of which interspersed the long grass fields that surrounded the Androvas - the name given to the twin hills which Rainstar and Archwind palace were built upon.
Avros hugged the base of the hill as he ran, Rainstar looming high above him like a watchful sentinel; he glanced up at the city and the palace, the fallen star at the summit of Arminor's tower was glistening in the early sunlight. Avros half expected to see the dark silhouette of the Mage standing on the walls of the palace, watching his progress.

It was now near nine o'clock and still Avros was running, his thick, black cape billowing about him in the wind. He passed under the eaves of a thicket of tall, bright silver birches, birds were singing sweet tunes from their branches and the sound of the swaying grass in the wind was like the slow ebb of calm waves against the shore.
It was here under these fair trees, the cool sunlight breaking through their high branches to grace the tall fresh grass and large clusters of poppies sprinkled with morning dew, that Avros sighted the dark vale.
He quickly ran to the entrance of the valley and stared inside, it was a stark contrast with the fair spring morning- the entire channel was owned by the darkness and farther in Avros could see the dark wood the people of Rainstar called the Undergrowth.
An enormous stone crawling with bright green moss stood on the far left, towering at least twenty meters into the air. It was blocking part of the entrance as if a giant had dragged the stone there, intending to seal the evil inside but had given up after the first stone. Clinging to the base of rock was a small river, the River Lirithar, flowing swiftly down towards Deepening Forest that stood just a short mile behind Avros, he turned following the path of the river, watching its bright waters flow into the forest and out of sight. Something along the eastern borders of Deepening forest caught Avros' eye. Across the open ground of the plains he could make out the shape of a large pavillion surrounded by a small cluster of tents, smoke was rising from around them. Avros assumed they belonged to the guards watching the forest that the Mage had mentioned.
Turning his attention back to the valley Avros peered inside and very boldly without thought strode into the gloom of the valley. Immediately hit by the dark presence of the valley Avros began to wonder, rather frivolously, how the waters of the River Lirithar remained uncontaminated after passing through this place.
The valley was quite wide and the shadowy, twisted wood stretched its entire width; from afar the wood looked like a tangled mess and as Avros got closer he saw that it was a tangled mess, the trunks of the trees were a sickly dark green colour and the ground here bore no grass. Avros reached the wood.
Stepping inside, under the foul trees, Avros felt something pulling him back by his left shoulder, he turned in haste half expecting to see some terrifying creature clawing at his cape. Instead he saw a large sharp thorn pinned through the material. Avros was thankful he had taken the chainmail with him for upon prying himself loose from the thorn he saw it was as sharp, long and cruel as any dagger. Avros made sure to be mindful of his surroundings at all times.

Ten minutes of walking passed, Avros had travelled as quickly as he could, though often hindered by the natural flora of the wood.
The trees that grew here were mutilated and often clashed with each other, their warped trunks twisted into contorted postions, stretching up weaving their branches into a tangled mess of a ceiling creating a dense mass that allowed precious little light in. Twining roots sprawled their way across the ground jutting out at awkward and dangerous angles. The natural light was gone. For all Avros knew, standing in the pitch black under the thick canopy of the forest, it coud have been midnight outside.
He stood still for a moment and began to assess his surroundings. The wood was as silent as death. No leaves rustled, disturbed by the presence of an unbidden breeze. No small animals scurried through the tree tops. No birds could be heard singing a beautiful song in the mid morning sun. Nothing. There was not even the faintest gust of wind to clear the hot stuffy air of the forest. Not even the roar of the great waterfall Palanaer at the end of the vallley could be heard. The wood seemed to swallow sound and claim all life leaving it a sullen and dark place.
Avros jumped over the edge of a large, knobbly tree root and landed several meters down. As soon as he hit the ground he sank into the turf, he pulled his legs out- his knee high boots were stained halfway up with dirt. Cursing he looked across the ground laid before him and saw that gradually it became more and more like a bog. Avros continued to make his way forward with caution.
With each intentionally soft footfall of his heavy leather boots Avros felt the ground beneath him tug at his feet, as if the very earth itself was trying to claim him.

Avros continued his careful trudge across the marsh for some time until gradually the ground underfoot began to feel drier and more solid. In the never ending dark of the valley time had lost all meaning. Avros was trying to pick as straight a path as possible through the knotted wood towards the point, near Palanaer, that the Mage had advised searching for the Shadowseal. This proved very difficult, the tightly woven trees crowded round forcing Avros down routes he wouldn't have willingly chosen, he always tried to right his course trusting his fine navigation skills to keep him on track.

For some time since leaving the barren marsh Avros had felt the presence of an unfamiliar being near him, its eyes were constantly burning into his back, he became very wary, listening intently for the tell-tale sound of a sharp snap of a twig or the soft rustle of branches. Nothing. The eerie silence framed the constant sht, sht, sht of Avros' light chianmail, making it the only sound in the forest besides the now muffled roar of Palanaer, the great waterfall. Avros clutched the wooden box in his right hand tightly against his hip and tightened his grip on the torch in his left. Very suddenly he whirled around, waving the torch in front of him searching for his nameless pursuer. Again nothing.
He turned back and continued his walk through the wood. Small, narrow streams began to trickle about Avros, they wound through the dark wood and joined with others or seperated in two, creating a vast web of fast flowing waters that wove their way through the valley, until they united at the exit and became the mighty river Lirithar.
Dark green shoots of tall grass and knee high shrubs began springing up around these streams. Avros bent lower to the ground now, swaying and holding his torch up to the many plants; he began following the largest of the streams.
The muffled roar of Palanaer was becoming louder.


[Edited on 12.25.2012 4:52 PM PST]

  • 12.25.2012 4:44 PM PDT
Subject: Do you want to read some of my book flood?

Sounds like Elder Scrolls...

Prisoner, mages, Rainstar

Was a good read though

[Edited on 12.25.2012 4:48 PM PST]

  • 12.25.2012 4:47 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

And here is the second part:

Again thanks for reading!




Emerging suddenly from under the dark eaves of the wood Avros stood in the glorious presence of Palanaer, subject to its full majesty he was greatly humbled, he followed the waterfall's long journey upwards with his eyes not able to see its beginning as it rose high into the mountains.
Avros thought that he could just make out the dark outline of the bridge and the distant blue sky high above him in the dim light.
Free from the stifling, stuffy air of the wood Avros heard the full symphony of the waterfall's descent, he was deafened by the roar of the crashing waters as they fell with much steam into a large shimmering pool as black as a starless midnight sky.
Avros scanned the area for the Shadowseal quickly, his hasty survey not yielding any results, he began a thorough search, starting on the far right. He bent low to the ground and waved the thick shrubbery aside, holding his torch close to the plants searching for the golden flower.
Avros made his way across the enclosing valley splashing through the small streams to reach new locations. He was making his way around the large pool, its rippling waters enlightened by the his fire, and was about halfway around when a faint glow on the far left of his vision aroused his attention.
Avros turned his head slowly, the flickering flames at the end of his torch were stretched, they were being pulled in the direction of a glowing flower shaped liked a golder feather on the far left of the valley. Avros stared at the flames in wonder, they were drawn to the flower by some deep power; he started walking slowly towards the glowing plant, enchanted and a little surprised that he did not notice it before, rising above the other dark and dull denizens of the valley.

Avros now stood before the Shadowseal, he stared at it wide-eyed with wonder, it was a glorious and mystical sight, awakening a strange feeling in Avros. This single flower bore the power of the gods; it did not so much radiate light as absorb the shadows around it but it shone far brighter than any fire. Avros observed the sharp thorns on the twining twin stems of the plant and remembered the Mage's warning of the deadly poisons they carried. He laid the wooden box on the ground and withdrew his shining silver dagger. A tangled tree stood close by, Avros wedged his torch in between two of its branches. Returning to the flower he gently held it with his left hand and made a swift, powerful cut with his dagger just above the stems.
He held the flower aloft and briefly admired its beauty, then collected the fine wooden box and made his way over to the tree holding his torch. Avros released the cool, iron catch on the chest and lifted its lid, softly placing the flower on the smooth deep, red felt that lined the interior. He re-sealed it with the iron lock and reclaimed his torch, feeling very pleased with his work and deeply affected by the flower, he turned for the forest planning to follow the river out of the valley as swiftly as possible.
Avros had been so absorbed by the business with the flower that he had completely forgotten his silent pursuer... until now, it stood, quiet as ever, towering over him.
Avros looked up slowly. The creature was made of pure shadow that wavered and crackled at the edges, almost invisible in the dim light. Avros staggered back, a strange and unfamiliar feeling washing over him- one of crushing fear and dread. Avros thrust his torch forward with enormous effort allowing him to see the thing better. It was at least twelve feet tall and was roughly shaped like a distorded and twisted man. Avros was petrified with fear-he couldn't move. The thing stepped forward. It raised what looked like a hand and pointed at the box. It began reaching forward for it, Avros recoiled and forced himself to strike out with the torch, it swung towards the creature... and passed right through its ethereal body extiguished as it emerged. The thing made a deep rumbling sound that almost resembled a mocking laugh, its hand continued forward.
In the now total darkness Avros felt himself going very light headed and losing all awareness of his senses as the creature's hand came nearer, with his last ounce of strength he performed the only action that came into this mind - he threw open the lid of the box, bright, blinding light streamed out.
The thing withdrew its hand quickly with obvious anger and without moving vanished into the shadows around it. The fear passed quickly and Avros regained his senses. He was deeply shaken by the terrifying apparition, he passed the box into his left hand, leaving it open, the flower now his only source of light.
He drew his sword, it flashed brightly, shining like a spike of silver in a full moon's light. He began moving with all the haste he was permitted by his now weary limbs and the difficult terrain of the forest.
All around him now he heard loud and unfamiliar noises as if the Thing of shadow had awoken the whole valley - whether these sounds were imagined Avros knew not but they spurred him on none the less.

Avros stumbled through the forest guided by the light from the flower. He was following the largest of the many streams, leaping over roots and ducking beneath sharp thorns protruding out of trees. He had his sword in hand. The loud noises in the forest followed him for some time, Avros had nearly made it back to the marsh when the noises stopped and there was silence again.
Avros spun around slowly looking for any sign of life, there was nothing. He continued walking until he saw a dark figure shambling through the trees ahead of him. He could only just make it out in the dim light.
Avros quickly hid behind a tree and observed the creature from afar. It looked to be about seven feet tall and staggered awkwardly on two thick, bent legs that went upwards into a backwards 'knee' joint, tipped with large bone like spikes, before bending back down into the real knee joint. Avros thought he could see many sharp spines covering its back and a pair of long, thin leathery wings not quite large enough to allow the beast to take flight.
Avros had seen many things, been many places and slain many foul beasts but the eerie sense of dread that surrounded this creature was uncanny.
It was walking slowly across the tough ground until suddenly it stopped. Avros closed the lid of the box, concealing the light and leaned further round the twisted tree he hid behind, straining his eyes to follow the creature's movements. It raised its large, thick skull towards the sky, its snubbed, pointed snout sniffing the dense air.
Suddenly its head jerked to the right, staring directly at where Avros stood, he spun around the tree and hid from sight. Avros hoped the thing hadn't seen him, he knew this was a false hope- he had felt the thing's eyes burning into his own. Quick, irregular footsteps began growing louder. The creature was getting nearer...



Well thanks for reading guys :)

  • 12.25.2012 4:51 PM PDT

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Kind of a lot to read on faith. Can you give us a quick synopsis of the story?

  • 12.25.2012 4:55 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

Well I wanted to post it so you could critque the writing style adn tell me what you thought of it. I'll give you a quick synopsis as well is you want though.

Give it a try though, I'll wager you find yourself enjoying it, especially part 2.

  • 12.25.2012 4:58 PM PDT
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Decent but requires more work. *proceeds to smoke bubble pipe*

  • 12.25.2012 5:00 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

Synopsis:

A nameless man with little memormy has been imprisoned, unjustly, by a powerful man (the High Mage) whose authority is absolute. The Mage offers the promise of freedom to the prisoner if he can but perform two simple tasks.

The man, whom the Mage has christened Avros, accepts and completes the first task and undertakes the second all the while he feels he is being drawn into a dark world of evil and betrayl by a manipulative, ruthless dictator.

While performing the second task he makes a shocking discovery and his path drastically changes taking him down a road of redemption, darkness and self discovery.

  • 12.25.2012 5:05 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.


Posted by: Elfionnio11
Decent but requires more work. *proceeds to smoke bubble pipe*

hehe.

  • 12.25.2012 5:06 PM PDT

Time flies like an arrow; fruits flies like a banana.

Showing and telling, that's what I have to say about your writing style. I don't know if you've heard of it - though you probably have - but I'd look into it if I were you. You are mostly telling, if not all the time, and it makes for a dreary and boring reading experience in relation to showing, though it's a faster way of getting a point across.

I won't say telling is always bad. Lord of the Rings and A Song of Ice and Fire are both almost exclusively telling, and people seem to like them. Still, look it up.

  • 12.25.2012 5:12 PM PDT
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Why So Serious?

"I'm gonna go America all over everybody's asses!"
-Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

What is it with people sharing their original content on this forum lately? You're basically asking for people to steal your ideas...

  • 12.25.2012 5:14 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.


Posted by: TheEndIsNear NL
Showing and telling, that's what I have to say about your writing style. I don't know if you've heard of it - though you probably have - but I'd look into it if I were you. You are mostly telling, if not all the time, and it makes for a dreary and boring reading experience in relation to showing, though it's a faster way of getting a point across.

I won't say telling is always bad. Lord of the Rings and A Song of Ice and Fire are both almost exclusively telling, and people seem to like them. Still, look it up.


Thanks for the advice, I will look into it. Funny because the Lord of the rings and A song of ice and fire are my main inspirations.

  • 12.25.2012 5:14 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.


Posted by: Not The Joker
What is it with people sharing their original content on this forum lately? You're basically asking for people to steal your ideas...

Well I thought about this and came to the conclusion that anyone on here wouldn't bother to and even if they did I doubt they would actually pay to patent it.

  • 12.25.2012 5:15 PM PDT

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

Well thanks guys, I'm going to sleep now. it's 1:20 in the morning.

  • 12.25.2012 5:20 PM PDT

Time flies like an arrow; fruits flies like a banana.


Posted by: Shockadile117

Posted by: TheEndIsNear NL
Showing and telling, that's what I have to say about your writing style. I don't know if you've heard of it - though you probably have - but I'd look into it if I were you. You are mostly telling, if not all the time, and it makes for a dreary and boring reading experience in relation to showing, though it's a faster way of getting a point across.

I won't say telling is always bad. Lord of the Rings and A Song of Ice and Fire are both almost exclusively telling, and people seem to like them. Still, look it up.


Thanks for the advice, I will look into it. Funny because the Lord of the rings and A song of ice and fire are my main inspirations.
The story seems more like the first, with it's mages and magic plants and evil valleys. Martin doesn't really go those ways.

But really, try to switch a bit from telling to showing. What you could do is chop the story into short scenes instead of describing the entire journey. Just detail the important parts with showing, and either leave out the parts where he's just running or touch upon them momentarily with some telling at the start of each scene. I just finished Fellowship of the Ring yesterday and this reminds me of it in some ways, where Tolkien uses three pages to describe the vegetation the Fellowship ploughs through. It may be a matter of taste, but I don't like those parts.

  • 12.25.2012 5:22 PM PDT