Off Topic: The Flood
This topic has moved here: Subject: I'm writing a Halo fanfic, here's the intro.
  • Subject: I'm writing a Halo fanfic, here's the intro.
Subject: I'm writing a Halo fanfic, here's the intro.
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

Posted by: Qbix89
Talking about Sweden is an ultrabannable offense.

Posted by: Achronos
Too bad being completely and utterly wrong isn't a bannable offense.

I'm such a lame nerd aren't I?

Anyway, because lolswearing I'm pasting it here so that I don't piss off any moral guardians or whatever.

Tell me what you think?

Halo: The Brisbane Line

"Incoming!"
The small shop opposite Lieutenant Matilda-G303 exploded, showering her in bits of instacrete and rebar. An ODST sergeant helped up an army corporal, in a rare showing of inter-branch camaraderie. Besides, what did it matter what branch you were from when you were all that was left of an entire division?
Throughout this, the ODST corpsman tended to Matilda, trying in vain to stop the bleeding.
"Lieutenant! Lieutenant! Stay with me, girl, come on, you can pull through this."
Matilda faded in and out of consciousness, her eyes set on an unseen horizon.
"They're charging!" yelled the ODST sergeant. He stood, along with the remaining twenty men of the company, and opened up into the dust and fire that surrounded them. Throughout this, the corpsman stayed stoic, distracted by nothing but the task of making sure this Spartan lived.
"Lieutenant. Lieutenant! Hey! Stay awake now, come on."
Matilda could hardly hear him over the ringing in her ears, but she was listening.
Her visor locked with his. "I'm going to die here, aren't I?"
The corpsman managed a lighthearted tone. "Spartans never die, Lieutenant. Not on my watch."
"Don't bull-blam!- me, corpsman. Am I or aren't I?"
"Only if relief doesn't get here, Lieutenant. But reinforcements are on their way, and a pelican is gonna pick you up and take you into orbit and into a hospital. And you're gonna live. Don't give up on me, now, Spartan. Don't give up on us now."
Matilda let out a short bark of a laugh. "Relief. Ha! The whole -blam!- covie armada is bearing down on Earth, and we're getting relief?! At whose loss? Perth? Sydney? Mombasa? London? We were cannon fodder from the start and we knew it!" The fallen Spartan fell silent for a moment, listening to the sounds of battle all around her.
The corpsman tried a different tack. "The name's James. Corporal James Heinrich of the 105th ODST battalion," he took off his helmet, revealing a scarred face, with close cropped brown hair. "Yours?"
"Keep your helmet on, mate. Wouldn't want a stray piece of concrete to bunk out our last medic." James replaced his helmet, but unpolarised his visor anyway. "You gonna be one of those faceless types, Lieutenant? No face, no name, just a rank, a helmet and a suit of armour?"
Matilda unpolarised her own helmet, revealing a lopsided grin. "Name's Matilda, corpsman, but I don't think I'll be waltzing today. Not with both my legs missing and a good part of my hips turned into a charred stump."
The corporal stared in wide eyed morbidity.
"What, never met a Spartan with a sense of humour before? Or..." She roughly grabbed his shoulder, pulling him so close so abruptly that their helmets bashed together. "Is it that you haven't met a Spartan before?" The corpsman raised his eyebrows in surprise.
"Yeah, that'd be right," continued Matilda. She let him out of her iron hard grip on his shoulder, and he leaned away. "I'm not like other Spartans, corpsman. James. 'Bout time for a story. A story about love and heroism. Nah, just joking. But since we're all quite doomed here, I suppose I could let you know my deal. So that I don't disappear from the history books like so many others. Too many others. So listen up, James. This is the tale of how I ended up dying on The Brisbane Line."


From here I'm wondering whether to switch to first person or stay in third person.

[Edited on 12.25.2012 10:56 PM PST]

  • 12.25.2012 10:56 PM PDT

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”


Posted by: Mr Reaganomics
explosivepigs writes the best Halo fanfiction

I've read all of them...

  • 12.25.2012 10:57 PM PDT

I am assuming direct control.

Needs a bit more detail. Doesn't exactly explain anything or the situation they are in. Can't exactly tell how she was injured or how bad. Surroundings are unsure (Where are they?) and how many enemies there are. Also could use some more flow instead of jumping from subject to subject try and guide the current one into the next.

Good work though, with some editing it will be a solid piece.

  • 12.25.2012 11:00 PM PDT

Name: Vien (Sven) 'Quitonm
Age: 19
Species: Sangheili
Height: 6'7"
Weight: 240 Lbs.
Eye Colour: Grey

Mention me in your story...

  • 12.25.2012 11:01 PM PDT
  • gamertag: [none]
  • user homepage:

Posted by: Qbix89
Talking about Sweden is an ultrabannable offense.

Posted by: Achronos
Too bad being completely and utterly wrong isn't a bannable offense.

Posted by: Direct Control
Needs a bit more detail. Doesn't exactly explain anything or the situation they are in. Can't exactly tell how she was injured or how bad. Surroundings are unsure (Where are they?) and how many enemies there are. Also could use some more flow instead of jumping from subject to subject try and guide the current one into the next.

Good work though, with some editing it will be a solid piece.
It's only a prologue, but yeah, I haven't done any sort of polishing or editing whatsoever. I was gonna polish the prologue and write the first chapter before I posted this on fanfiction.net or wherever, because I know how important a good hook is to get people interested.


no vien this is not abot sanheli antomy

[Edited on 12.25.2012 11:02 PM PST]

  • 12.25.2012 11:02 PM PDT

http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=39477223


Posted by: Vien Quitonmee
Mention me in your story...


"And so I watched as the shotgun blast really did split apart that dumb splitjaw's jaw"

  • 12.25.2012 11:04 PM PDT


Posted by: Mr Reaganomics
explosivepigs writes the best Halo fanfiction

  • 12.25.2012 11:05 PM PDT

Name: Vien (Sven) 'Quitonm
Age: 19
Species: Sangheili
Height: 6'7"
Weight: 240 Lbs.
Eye Colour: Grey


Posted by: Mr Reaganomics
explosivepigs writes the best Halo fanfiction
Dear god no...

  • 12.25.2012 11:08 PM PDT