Posted by: Xanarxses
Posted by: DTA MoonDawg
OP, I did read it top to bottom for the record.
You seem to be in a very special case of the "Friends with Benefits Zone". Seriously though, she keeps saying that she doesn't want to hurt you, but obviously, she is already doing just that. If she knows you like her and still doesn't want anything, you have no choice but to move on.
Let's say all of a sudden, she wants a relationship. That's great. Who's to say that down the road, old feelings return to her, and she tried running back to her ex? You want to quit while you're ahead friend. I KNOW you won't like me suggesting this, but you need to cut all ties with her pronto. There's no way in hell you'll be able to get over her if you keep seeing her on a regular basis. Get out more with another group of your friends. Try to forget her. You gotta move on bud.
Yeah that would be great if she wasn't my only friend.
You are making excuses to avoid doing what you should do, because you are afraid of being hurt.
You come here asking for advice, but really all you're doing psychologically is waiting for someone to suggest the course of action which you have already decided upon so that you will feel better about doing the wrong thing. Whereas if somebody suggests a proper course of action, which will in fact be contrary to what you WANT to do, you will make excuses or provide false/bent circumstances as to why you 'can't' (don't want to) do whatever is proposed.
for example, somebody suggested to stop contacting her, which is a very valid suggestion. it would be a very good course of action because it is obvious that the current situation is causing you mental anguish, enough so that you come here asking for advice and enough so that you are willing to not cooperate with a proper suggested course of action for fear of the pain such a course of action would cause upon you.
It is clear that you don't have many friends and are either a)inexperienced with women, b) desperate or c) unconfident (or a combination of the possibilities). Being as you don't have friends, she is the only friend you have, which is enough of a reason not to want to lose her. BUT on top of that she is a prospective -blam!- partner and because of that you latch onto her even more. If you had other friends you wouldn't be so obsessed with staying with her in the same sense that If you were confident in your ability to meet and attract other women you wouldn't be so desperate to keep her.
Because you have nobody else to turn to (friends/ the possibility of finding another girl) you cling to her desperateley even though you know that the situation is causing you stress and strife. This is unhealthy. whereas if you had friends you would hang out with them, in the same way that if you were decent at meeting other women you would focus your attention on them more instead of sticking to the girl that is causing you trouble.
The only way that we as human beings can grow is through pain, doing things that we do not want to do.
It is clear that you want a monogamous, faithful relationship with this girl and she is unwilling to accept and provide that for you, so why do you stick around? You stick around due to the reasons that I listed above. You are deluding yourself into thinking that things will change if you stay and justify your decisions with the occasional high you get form being with her physically. It is in this mindset unfortunateley that you ignore the more prominent lows that the situation you are in currently inflicts upon you. This in itself is unhealthy and will do you no good in the long run.
Your best course of action is to simply tell her that you want to be with her, just her, and her to be with you, just you, without the other guy in the picture. If she cannot offer this to you, then you shouldn't stay. I am afraid however that because you are afraid of the answer that you are already aware that she will give to you "I have feelings for both of you" (the fact that she will not just choose you) you will be a coward and either a) not ask/tell her or b) will tell her but will accept and stay with her even if she gives you an unfavorable answer, which would prove you to be a coward and an unconfident loser with no friends who cannot get another girl.
What you should do: lay down the line and tell her what you require to be together, if she cannot accept that then move on, nothing good will come of the situation no matter how badly you wish it to. if/when she gives you an unfavorable answer, cut off all contact. although she won't make it obvious, she will respect you for your decision and just might contact you in the near future with her decision to be with you. If she doesn't, then it will be ok because you have already moved on :)