- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
I'm sorry, as much as I hate to say it, I'm with everyone else here. It isn't just lack of execution; the story just hit the ground face first from the initial paragraph.
For starters, your grammar was absymal. In your run-of-the-mill forum post, that would be acceptable. However, when you write a story, horrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, and flow can ruin even the best of ideas. I noticed plenty of run on sentences where periods, commas, semicolons, and quotation marks could have been used effectively. However, they were left out and what we ended up with was a hodgepodge of language that can barely be deciphered. Then, there was improper capitalization. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the ridiculous dialogue. The Spartans behaved like children. The brutes chanted out some, while not entirely out of brute character, ridiculously horrendous sounding lines.
That isn't to say your idea was that great to start with, unfortunately. There are plenty of inconsistencies in it. One oddity that I noticed was that a group of five spartans could not handle one hundred grunts and six jackals. I don't know if you read the books, but one book in particular, Halo: Fall of Reach, negates that idea. I remember reading a line by one Spartan that said something to the effect of "Six of us and a thousand of them? Piss poor odds for the little guys." Again, that quotation is off, but you get the general idea. Not to mention, in that same sequence I quoted, they took out a squad of banshees and a few shade gun turrets, as well. Second, you mention the hardships the Spartans have facing the Hunters, but what you fail to realize is that the Spartans are much faster than the Hunters. You claim the Hunter caught up to them, but it would have to be an extreme oddity for its race to run faster than the Spartans. Additionally, their melee attacks are powerful, but slow and clumsy, while Master Chief (presumably the other Spartans are comparable) has the agility to dodge a round at point blank range if necessary. Third, the Spartans are trained soldiers. They, while not devoid of emotion, know not to get distracted by a casualty. They would make sure to scan the surrounding areas and make sure everything is clear before dropping their weapons and running to their fallen comrade's aid, or at the very least would split up. One would check on Linda while the other would cover them.
Also, your continuity wasn't quite accurate. Remember when you mentioned the jackals alongside the grunts? Now, do you remember the scene where the brute executes the elite? The brutes didn't spill the elites' blood, at least not while a part of the Covenant, until the civil war of Halo 2 broke out. By this time, the grunts had allied with the elites and hunters. The jackals allied with the brutes, prophets, and drones. Why, then, would grunts and jackals be allied with each other?
Finally, the imagery and realism just wasn't there. As for realism, why does Spartan (I believe...) 66 at least hesitate and grunt in pain when he loses his arm. He is a man, not a machine, and no matter how physically astounding he is, he would be taken aback by the loss of a limb. The imagery, as I mentioned, was just as iffy. Typically, situations were described by one or two simple sentences. To draw your reader into the story, you want to use adjectives, complex sentence variants, diverse language. You want to make the reader feel as if he is really there, not reading an account of the events. You want the death of a Spartan to be emotional, painful to the reader. You, unfortunately, didn't have that in this outing.
Anyway, I know this isn't the kind of review you wanted to hear. The only way to change it is to practice. I have no doubt you can write better. I don't know you and I know this isn't your best work. Next time, I'd just advise a little research, planning, proofreading, and awareness. You have a decent concept, but it just wasn't delivered how it should have been.