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Subject: rate my fanfic!!! "Death of the Spartans" 1/2 (part 1/2)
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Great halo3 ideas
-Triple wielding
-Gaues going through walls
-Lil kid bots
-Lots of sarcasm

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  • 07.20.2006 8:17 PM PDT
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Well, it was good until it started.

You should really do a lot to build your core grammatical and punctual base at this level. Read more, take notes on how the pros do it.

Characterization is what's very important. Spartans would not yell "crap" or act childish over the deaths of another, so be sure to keep them in character.

The plot is very bleh. Come up with something more than action to keep the readers attention. If someone wants only action they'll go play the game.

Visuals. Give more. The reader doesn't know anything about the setting or surroundings unless you tell them. This is not an area to be vague. Show us, don't tell us what's going on.

[Edited on 7/20/2006]

  • 07.20.2006 8:27 PM PDT
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Absolutely poor. (And not just because of the Spartans dying for an absolutely stupid reason.)

Massive amounts of spelling errors, dialogue is not Spartan-like, plot devices are poor, the Spartans are currently on Earth. I could go on and on.

By the way, if you are going to mess with the story like this and screw with major characters, expect a solar system full of napalm to be dropped on your post.

You should stop now... before this gets extraordinarily ugly.

[Edited on 7/20/2006]

  • 07.20.2006 8:31 PM PDT
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the is the worst crap i have ever seen since harry potter (FYI that is really bad).

i don;t care about how badly you ruined the story line really, since it is your own fan fic. Your grammar is crap. Your characters are not only childish, they are crap. Any sense of action or suspense is non existent, what you did use to attempt to make some was crap. Basically you did nothing right at all! (I am not flaming either, i am being dead honest. this REALLY needs work)

  • 07.20.2006 8:41 PM PDT
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To be dead honest, don't even try to screw with it, you've already treaded on thin ice by screwing with classic book characters. Guess what? The ice broke.

  • 07.20.2006 8:44 PM PDT

PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME GROUP INVITATIONS

The Halo REACH Script (post thoughts in thread)

Writing Lead of Whisper Studios. Check out Heron!

Look... I'm on bungiepedia!

"pick up the paste"

  • 07.20.2006 8:45 PM PDT
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Come on, be nice. We don't even know how old he is.

  • 07.20.2006 8:47 PM PDT
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I don't think it matters since he already butchered the story.

Jason Jones, Joseph Staten, and Eric Nylund are the kings of writing video games (and books based in the universe of those games). You don't screw with the king(s). You can add to it, but you don't screw with it.

  • 07.20.2006 8:50 PM PDT
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I'm sorry, as much as I hate to say it, I'm with everyone else here. It isn't just lack of execution; the story just hit the ground face first from the initial paragraph.

For starters, your grammar was absymal. In your run-of-the-mill forum post, that would be acceptable. However, when you write a story, horrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, and flow can ruin even the best of ideas. I noticed plenty of run on sentences where periods, commas, semicolons, and quotation marks could have been used effectively. However, they were left out and what we ended up with was a hodgepodge of language that can barely be deciphered. Then, there was improper capitalization. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the ridiculous dialogue. The Spartans behaved like children. The brutes chanted out some, while not entirely out of brute character, ridiculously horrendous sounding lines.

That isn't to say your idea was that great to start with, unfortunately. There are plenty of inconsistencies in it. One oddity that I noticed was that a group of five spartans could not handle one hundred grunts and six jackals. I don't know if you read the books, but one book in particular, Halo: Fall of Reach, negates that idea. I remember reading a line by one Spartan that said something to the effect of "Six of us and a thousand of them? Piss poor odds for the little guys." Again, that quotation is off, but you get the general idea. Not to mention, in that same sequence I quoted, they took out a squad of banshees and a few shade gun turrets, as well. Second, you mention the hardships the Spartans have facing the Hunters, but what you fail to realize is that the Spartans are much faster than the Hunters. You claim the Hunter caught up to them, but it would have to be an extreme oddity for its race to run faster than the Spartans. Additionally, their melee attacks are powerful, but slow and clumsy, while Master Chief (presumably the other Spartans are comparable) has the agility to dodge a round at point blank range if necessary. Third, the Spartans are trained soldiers. They, while not devoid of emotion, know not to get distracted by a casualty. They would make sure to scan the surrounding areas and make sure everything is clear before dropping their weapons and running to their fallen comrade's aid, or at the very least would split up. One would check on Linda while the other would cover them.

Also, your continuity wasn't quite accurate. Remember when you mentioned the jackals alongside the grunts? Now, do you remember the scene where the brute executes the elite? The brutes didn't spill the elites' blood, at least not while a part of the Covenant, until the civil war of Halo 2 broke out. By this time, the grunts had allied with the elites and hunters. The jackals allied with the brutes, prophets, and drones. Why, then, would grunts and jackals be allied with each other?

Finally, the imagery and realism just wasn't there. As for realism, why does Spartan (I believe...) 66 at least hesitate and grunt in pain when he loses his arm. He is a man, not a machine, and no matter how physically astounding he is, he would be taken aback by the loss of a limb. The imagery, as I mentioned, was just as iffy. Typically, situations were described by one or two simple sentences. To draw your reader into the story, you want to use adjectives, complex sentence variants, diverse language. You want to make the reader feel as if he is really there, not reading an account of the events. You want the death of a Spartan to be emotional, painful to the reader. You, unfortunately, didn't have that in this outing.

Anyway, I know this isn't the kind of review you wanted to hear. The only way to change it is to practice. I have no doubt you can write better. I don't know you and I know this isn't your best work. Next time, I'd just advise a little research, planning, proofreading, and awareness. You have a decent concept, but it just wasn't delivered how it should have been.

  • 07.20.2006 10:00 PM PDT
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Posted by: MisterCHIEF69
YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH -blam!- BAISED -blam!-ES!!!!

Wow your so stupid, you make no sence, your complients are as bad as a 5 year old -blam!-ing in match making when he doesnt get the sniper when "he" called for it. You really make me sick thinking people could be so mean in a non-intellgent (spelling) matter....The grammer and spelling should be fine i spell checked blame "windowns word" for that

The spartans talked in the books to each other, spartan 66 and 321 were ment to be dead....like in a movie or something you always have people who die. There was a lot of action, but maybe you need to see it on a video/video game for it to be real. Honestly you guys dont even matter in life, if you died would the world suffer no so dont act like you>me when its you=me

The spartans didnt die in stupid ways, remember they got new hunters which they never fought, Linda died so what....Sam pretty much commited suicide. And a lot of spartans died. So dont use the "omfg you killed em all of in stupid ways BLARG BLARG BLARG"....Its even more sad i posted this on some other forum and people thought it was great.....i'll be sure to go there more often b/c YOU people need to grow up

some tips for you

1-Done whine, its a fan-fic, not all fan-fics are theories
fan-fic-A FAN MAN STORY.....with new/old charchters doing anything the writer wants

Theory-Something the person believes in and is trying to tell other people EX "I think Ark is the Earth"

2-Dont rate it (poor) b/c spartans die, thats bais and just stupid....Master Chief didnt die so you shouldnt even care

3-Read the books....i am and i have

4-If someone writes a fan-fic dont expect it to be better then the things its based on, no fan-fics are better then the entire halo game

___I would like a MOD to rank this, i bet the MOD's would be nice about it....or maybe your just the kinda people who just rip on people to make your self feel better?



First of all, you need to calm down. You claim everybody is unfair, cruel, and childish, yet that is how you are acting yourself.

Second, I'd advise you to actually read my response. Nowhere did I show bias, nowhere did I knock you for creating a fan-fiction story. What I did was read your story throroughly, and pick at everything I found that was wrong with it, providing my reasons where necessary, and give you tips and encouragement for your next iteration. Please, don't make a fool of yourself. You asked for their opinions, and you got them. Not everyone sees things like you do, so if the results aren't what you wanted, it is just something you need to get past.

  • 07.20.2006 10:16 PM PDT
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problem though. the 5 remaining spartans are still alive.

  • 07.20.2006 10:18 PM PDT
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trust me, you say grammar isn't important, but any author or reader knows it is. The most enjoyable of concepts can be ruined by poor grammar. I would never pick up a book if it wasn't grammatically correct to a certain extent, and I'm not the only one.

  • 07.20.2006 10:34 PM PDT
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Except this isn't like communism, because this doesn't even look good on paper.

And if you think that spelling and grammar aren't important, then you are as ignorant as you are poor at writing.

You know what makes most of us > than you? Maturity. Get some.

  • 07.20.2006 10:35 PM PDT
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It really is hard to comment nicely on that after reading the first two paragraghs and Im not sure how much flame is needed to make you re-think writting fanfiction. Why dont we just say, if your say seven or eight, then you did great. Anything over that and prehaps writting is not your strong point. Thats about all I can say about that.

  • 07.20.2006 10:38 PM PDT
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thats too long to read and i might not live that long so any way i dint give you the benefit of the doubt i said it sucked because it probaly does

  • 07.20.2006 10:40 PM PDT
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Posted by: MisterCHIEF69
YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH -blam!- BAISED -blam!-ES!!!!

Wow your so stupid, you make no sence, your complients are as bad as a 5 year old -blam!-ing in match making when he doesnt get the sniper when "he" called for it. You really make me sick thinking people could be so mean in a non-intellgent (spelling) matter....The grammer and spelling should be fine i spell checked blame "windowns word" for that

The spartans talked in the books to each other, spartan 66 and 321 were ment to be dead....like in a movie or something you always have people who die. There was a lot of action, but maybe you need to see it on a video/video game for it to be real. Honestly you guys dont even matter in life, if you died would the world suffer no so dont act like you>me when its you=me

The spartans didnt die in stupid ways, remember they got new hunters which they never fought, Linda died so what....Sam pretty much commited suicide. And a lot of spartans died. So dont use the "omfg you killed em all of in stupid ways BLARG BLARG BLARG"....Its even more sad i posted this on some other forum and people thought it was great.....i'll be sure to go there more often b/c YOU people need to grow up

some tips for you

1-Done whine, its a fan-fic, not all fan-fics are theories
fan-fic-A FAN MAN STORY.....with new/old charchters doing anything the writer wants

Theory-Something the person believes in and is trying to tell other people EX "I think Ark is the Earth"

2-Dont rate it (poor) b/c spartans die, thats bais and just stupid....Master Chief didnt die so you shouldnt even care

3-Read the books....i am and i have

4-If someone writes a fan-fic dont expect it to be better then the things its based on, no fan-fics are better then the entire halo game

___I would like a MOD to rank this, i bet the MOD's would be nice about it....or maybe your just the kinda people who just rip on people to make your self feel better?


I'm sorry to say but you did infact ask for our opinions no? So if you are willing to post a creation on this board, accept the consequences. If its good, you will be greeted with praise and compliments, if its bad suck up to the constructive criticism and go back and build off of it. Don't sit here and whine about how we are stupid and wrong for not liking it.

  • 07.20.2006 11:37 PM PDT

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شون

Well, I'm not going to attempt to reiterate what has already been said, but I think it would be in your best interest to at least set a scene, build upon the characters personalities, and at least try to set a nice mood, rather than that cliche "bad-ass" action sequence.

What I noticed was how you made all of the characters seem like that stereotype that we always see in B-grade action flicks. The characters are rather trite, and their dialogue is a little sloppy at times. I saw that you tried to personify that "bad-ass" theme again, which isn't what people look for in books. If you want to write an action sequence, don't tell us what happens. Show us. Set suspense, rather than telling us what is going on verbatim.

Otherwise, I have to agree with most, if not all of what has been said already. Remember, practice makes perfect. Good luck on part 2.

[Edited on 7/20/2006]

  • 07.20.2006 11:54 PM PDT
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Posted by: MisterCHIEF69

Then Fred and Kelly ran to Linda’s body, she was crushed at the chest, bleeding like hell and dead “crap!!!!” yelled Fred. Kelly mounted Linda’s dead body.


That was one of the stupidest sentences ever.
she was crushed at the chest, bleeding like hell and dead

WTF

  • 07.21.2006 1:01 AM PDT
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The dialogue sucked. from my point of view it seemed like you were writing in the sense of playing the game over XBL, most communication between Spartans is done with hand signals or COM as the books say. They don't just "speak out" as you put it, in the heat of battle.

  • 07.21.2006 1:36 AM PDT
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MIsterchief you are an idiot.
You asked us to rate your fan fic and we did and you contridict every conclusion we had.
And as for our compliments, I don't believe we had any.

Also you should have spell checked your last post using, windowns word.
I think the program you used is called Microsoft Word. And the spellchecker only detects mispelled words it doesn't check out of context words such as "pick up the paste"

and what were our responses biased to?

[Edited on 7/21/2006]

  • 07.21.2006 1:52 AM PDT

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Posted by: MA5Bergey
trust me, you say grammar isn't important, but any author or reader knows it is. The most enjoyable of concepts can be ruined by poor grammar. I would never pick up a book if it wasn't grammatically correct to a certain extent, and I'm not the only one.


Yeah, did Nylund write "da cheef sed 'o mi god a l337!' an fiyerd his gun at i t"?" No he did not.

  • 07.21.2006 1:54 AM PDT

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Posted by: StrayEwok
Posted by: MisterCHIEF69

Then Fred and Kelly ran to Linda’s body, she was crushed at the chest, bleeding like hell and dead “crap!!!!” yelled Fred. Kelly mounted Linda’s dead body.


That was one of the stupidest sentences ever.
she was crushed at the chest, bleeding like hell and dead

WTF


Another good point. Bleeding like hell and dead. That is so poorly structured, I don't even want to think about it. And Fred's reaction?! Yeah, another SPARTAN dies and Fred says "crap!!!!". Huh, I don't think so. That would be like if your mother and father were killed, and you said "Oh, damn it. Now I need new parents! Way to go and die, you inconsiderate bastards!". Dude, come on.

  • 07.21.2006 1:58 AM PDT

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All and all, I gave this a one. This was just so poor, it hurt to read. Also, your flaming contributed to the one. I posted a segment of my fanfic up, and I got a bad review, and I just said something like "Okay, that's your opinion. It hurts a little, but thank you for not flaming me." I took it with grace. You should learn to.

  • 07.21.2006 2:15 AM PDT

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