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This topic has moved here: Subject: i hope a better fan-fic. Zama the elite.
  • Subject: i hope a better fan-fic. Zama the elite.
Subject: i hope a better fan-fic. Zama the elite.
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  • last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT

Zama was awaken by the screaming of grunts. He looked to his right, there was a wounded elite beside him. Zama reconized this elite, his name was Jolole. "Jolole, what happened to you?" Jolole told him." I was shot in the leg twice, and in the chest once." Zama asked. "Did any of my squad live." Jolole said "No, they all are dead." Zama was furious. Then Zama felt a sharp pain in his chest, he blacked out. But we woke up, the doctor said Zama you are a lucky man. The doctor said you had to go to rehibilitation for ten weeks. So after ten long, painstaking weeks he rejoined the covanant. As Zama left the hospital a phantom was waiting for him. Two white elites and a squad of grunts guarded the phantom. They asked if he was Zama. Zama then nodded his head. As they got on one of the elites told him. " the gold armored elite named Ulutra wanted to see him. As the phantom came to a stop the white armored elite took him inside the covanant headquarters. He lead Zama down a long hallway and told Zama to wait till he was called upon, then the white armored elite left. Five minuites later a person said. "Zama you may enter." Then Zama opened the door...

[Edited on 7/25/2006]

  • 07.25.2006 6:39 AM PDT
Subject: i hope a better fan-fic. Zama the elite.
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  • last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT

" Cover me." said Zama. Then a squad of jackals ran toward Zama's aid. They used there shields to protect Zama from the rear. The mission was a simple one, the squads where sent into the forest to search and destroy any humans and human technology. There was a big mistake though, the spies that reported to the higherarchs said that there a mere forty-five men there. They where wrong, the covanant have atleast killed seventy-two. There wernt many of his allies left. A grunt named sopay said. "Excellancy we need to retreat, there are to many!" But the elite said no we will fight till the death! The grunt then threw a plasma granade and stuck a human in the face, the explosion killed five. One of the human snipers saw this action and shot the grunt in both legs so he couldnt run, then shot him in the heart. There where only five other covanant other than him. There where two hunters, and three elites. the humans then surrounded the covanant. Ten snipers shot both hunters at once, cutting them both in half. The elites then dropped there weapons, all but Zama. He got out his sword he charged toward the closest human at full speed. The human then started shooting at the elite, he got threw the elites shield and shot the elite in the chest. All Zama thought about is the pain, it hurt so bad the pain finally made him black out...

  • 07.24.2006 4:35 PM PDT
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i think you should be a little bit more describtive

"Then a squad of jackals ran toward Zama's aid. They used there shields to protect Zama from the rear"
instead of then use, a squad of jackels dived from there cover postions and set up there shields to gaurd zama

"They where wrong, the covanant have atleast killed seventy-two"
instead i would put the covenant guns had taken down more men that had been orginally estimated.


." I was shot in the leg twice, and in the chest once."
i was shot would have been suffice

"a docter said Zama you are a lucky man."
i thought he was an elite

and also i would like to point out your using then to much it makes a story really dull we now the events are in Chronological order you dont need a then at the start of every sentence

if u take those points into mind we might have a decent fan fic on our hands

[Edited on 7/25/2006]

  • 07.25.2006 7:03 AM PDT