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Subject: The Chimp and the Baboon.
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Once upon a time there was a jungle. In the jungle lived many animals under a democratic republic. Every four years, the animals would gather together to decide who would be their leader. Now at this time, the jungle was ruled by a gorilla who rode around on a donkey. This gorilla had been in charge for four years though, so it came time to elect their new leader. now in this election, it so happened that the main contenders for the position of leader were a Chimpanzee who rode around on an elephant, and a rigid donkey with a large pole rammed up his ass. The election was very controversial, as the dart the animals threw to decide who the next leader would be landed directly on the line between the two. In the end, they decided to simply throw the dart one more time. Upon throwing the dart again, they discovered that the Chimpanzee had indeed won. The supporters of the donkey insisted that the Chimp had cheated by using his telekinetic powers to alter the dart's flight in his favor and insisted a re-throw. This happened over and over again, until everyone said ENOUGH! and the Chimp won.
--
Part 2 coming soon!

  • 10.31.2004 7:36 PM PDT
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Hmm.

By God! That sounds a lot like system of government my country has! How did you know!?

  • 10.31.2004 7:42 PM PDT
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Bravo. Good job lol.

  • 10.31.2004 7:46 PM PDT
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No offense, but this does indeed seem to be a parody of, say, the last election.
It would seem that this is an underhanded tactic to bring politics into the Flood.
And sadly enough, you make a very good description of the events which took place.

[Edited on 10/31/2004 7:52:58 PM]

  • 10.31.2004 7:52 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

What? Politics? Uhm... I dont know what you're talking about!

  • 10.31.2004 7:55 PM PDT
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Don't lie man, it will just make it worse..

Clearly, the Donkey that was their leader is in direct reference to Bill Clinton.
The 'Donkey with a stick rammed up his ass' was most definably Al Gore.
And of course, the 'Chimp who rode on an elephant' is none other than Supreme-Monarch-and-Dictator-for-life George Bush.

I know this sounds cliche, but..
And I really hope that this dosn't escalate into a political flame war, or there will be hell to pay...

[/rant]

[Edited on 10/31/2004 8:06:44 PM]

  • 10.31.2004 8:01 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

--PART TWO!!!--
Well, awhile into the reign of the chimp, some lumberjacks came into the forest and cut down two of the talles trees in the forest and stepped on the termite nest that doubled as the command post for the forest military. The chimp's response was quick, and soon the order was given to mobilize the forest military and kill all the lumberjacks. Public sentiment turned against the peaceful lumberjacks living in the forest, of whom many were rounded up and detained unlawfully. The person suspected to be behind the attacks was the king of the lumberjacks, Amaso the Llama. Needless to say, he quickly became public enemy #1.
--
Anyway, after the invasion of the lumberjack camp and the liberation of all the little lumberjack children and all the lumbarjack woemen, the animals turned to face what they perceived as a new threat... Another nation of lumberjacks, I-Rack, was ruled by a brutal dictator, Sadman Hussy.
The Chimp decided to send his bat spies to see what was going on over there. The bat-spies returned, bringing terrible news: Sadman Hussy was developing weapons of mass defoliation (WMDs). The Chimp, never being one to let his forest get defoliated, Invaded
I-Rack. The war was quick, but reconstruction was very difficult. The WMDs they had gone in to look for were not there, only evidence of the begginings of a program to develop such devices.
--
Part 3 Coming soon!

  • 10.31.2004 8:10 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Posted by: Achilles VI
Clearly, the Donkey that was their leader is in direct reference to Bill Clinton.
The 'Donkey with a stick rammed up his ass' was most definably Al Gore.
And of course, the 'Chimp who rode on an elephant' is none other than Supreme-Monarch-and-Dictator-for-life George Bush.

Actually, Clinton was a Gorilla that rode on a donkey. Yes, gore was a donkey with a pole rammed up his ass. and Bush is the chimp on an elephant. Kerry (when he get into the story) Is a baboon on a donkey.
--
I posted this in the hopes of laughing at the election instead of taking it so seriously all the time.

  • 10.31.2004 8:14 PM PDT
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Well, true, this does actually make for a fun read.. but it will be locked nonetheless..
FYI, since this is satire, I doubt you will recieve punishment.

But remember, tensions run high. Really high. It only takes a little joke to spark a massive inter-forum flame war.

[Edited on 10/31/2004 8:53:13 PM]

  • 10.31.2004 8:43 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Troo troo... But if I can bring a smile to even one person's face, I would consider this thread a sucess. And I figure it would be okay for me to write it, because I am totally neutral.

  • 10.31.2004 8:59 PM PDT
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Smile :)

  • 10.31.2004 9:04 PM PDT

gamer tag: CrazyChinchilla

i heard this story once

its one of my favorites

  • 10.31.2004 9:04 PM PDT
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Yeah, who cares about politics; in 9 days Halo 2 will be released!

  • 10.31.2004 9:06 PM PDT
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Stop taunting me with parts of this story. I demand to hear it all!

  • 10.31.2004 9:08 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

--PART THREE!!!--
Well, the months rolled by, and the situation stayed much the same in I-rack, with the forest media, which was either extremely liberal (which tailored to all the animals which rode on donkeys) or extremely conservative (which made the elephant-riders very happy), either criticising it as a terrible mistake (despite the fact that it was quite possibbly the cleanest war the forest had ever had), or hailing it as a great triumph (despite the fact it was founded on faulty intelligence from the bat-spies). This was not good for the Chimp, who's term of office was almost expired. The main contender for the leadership of the forest was a donkey-riding baboon. The baboon and the chimp both waged vicious mudslinging campaigns against the other. Ironically, most of the campaign focused not around the current events of I-Rack and the hunt for Amaso the Llama, but a conflict that happened almost 40 years ago, The Vee-ate-mom war. The Liberal media (as always tailoring to the donkey-riding population) portrayed the chimp as a deserter and a coward, while the conservative media portrayed the baboon as a liar and a fraud.

Not to say that was the whole campaign; The Chimp played to his strengths, claiming he was a decisive leader who would win the war on deforestation, while the baboon focused primarily on social issues at home. Even this was full of mudslinging.It was truly sad to see the fanatics on both sides; Eyes wide, mouths open, screaming obcenities at anyone who disagreed with them in the slightest.
--Part 4 Coming Soon!--

[Edited on 10/31/2004 9:16:36 PM]

  • 10.31.2004 9:13 PM PDT
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..Eyes wide, mouths open, screaming obcenities at anyone who disagreed with them in the slightest.

Et tu, democracy?

  • 10.31.2004 9:28 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

sadly, yes.

  • 11.01.2004 1:11 PM PDT
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Gah, I have gone too many days without hearing the end of the story! I need part four!

  • 11.04.2004 3:30 PM PDT
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yup part four

  • 11.04.2004 3:45 PM PDT
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If your aim to success was to bring a smile to people's faces, you've certainly accomplished that, Ben. Marvelous metaphor!

But... I am surprised this hasn't been locked yet. Perhaps there is a bit of leniency when the points are "neutral?" I look forward to part four.

  • 11.04.2004 7:42 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Alrighty then...
--PART FOUR!!!--

As the campaign drew to a close, the candidates from both sides fell silent. It was time to let their cronies do their speaking now. The celebrities on both sides had massive "Go vote stupid younglings" concerts and rallys and things... The Chimp continued to portray himself as the decisive leader who would stop deforestation forever, while the Baboon likewise played himself up as the proper animal to fix problems at home.
Now at this time I think that the voting system of the forest ought to be explained. The animals thought they got to vote, but the truth is, animals can't count, so how could the authorities count the votes properly? The soloution was a large board with a picture of every candidate on it. This board was known (to the few who knew about it) as the Electoral Collage... This Collage was used as a kind of giant dartboard... A dart would be thrown three times at the board, and whichever candidate got more hits on him was the winner. Needless to say, campaigns were really quite useless unless you wanted the support of the dart, but of course the candidates had no clue how the people were actually elected.
But, anyways, now back to the story. The day grew nearer and nearer... tension grew... The day was here! The animals cast their votes, (however worthless they were) and the dart was thrown. At this very moment the revoloution came, and then all the animals lived happily ever after under the direction of a large pig on their communal farm.
--

Please note that I was not partial to either side while writing this. My objective was to maybe bring a smile to a few faces. thank you.

[Edited on 11/4/2004 8:02:10 PM]

  • 11.04.2004 7:48 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Posted by: Ix
If your aim to success was to bring a smile to people's faces, you've certainly accomplished that, Ben. Marvelous metaphor!

But... I am surprised this hasn't been locked yet. Perhaps there is a bit of leniency when the points are "neutral?" I look forward to part four.

heh heh... initial part 4 sucked. I'm revising it to be better lol.

  • 11.04.2004 7:56 PM PDT
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The end leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, I crave more.

  • 11.05.2004 6:02 AM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

To bad. Writing an end which reflected the real results would end up kinda biased...
and besides, Orwell is great.

  • 11.05.2004 6:31 AM PDT

It was a cold day near the southern base in Blood Gulch. Cortana and I were relaxing over a game of Go Fish, WHEN OUT OF NO WHERE 700 BANSHEES CAME FLYING IN!!! I GRABED MY SPARTAN LASER AND LET HELL REIGN DOWN UPON THEM. I HOPPED IN THE NEAREST WARTHOG AND TOLD CORTANA TO GET IN.

Now THAT is a literary masterpeice...

  • 11.05.2004 10:19 AM PDT

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