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  • Subject: Spartans In Arms .:Revisited:. -|Stage Se7enteen|-
Subject: Spartans In Arms .:Revisited:. -|Stage Se7enteen|-
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Well guys after the long wait the Prologue for Spartans In Arms is finally here! I hope you enjoy it the very first Phase of SIA will be released on February 3rd 2007. I hope you enjoy this:)

Edit:For those who are just reading this consider reading The Lone Soldier before this or this may reveal some major spoilers!
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Prologue

I gripped my BR55 tightly then slowly moved down the foul smelling hall. I instructed my squad to stay put as I moved in. Elite's bodies were littered about the hall the foul smell was the blood of many Elites slaughtered by possibly Brutes. There was an small bright light at the end of the dark hall I gave a signal for Gredome,Sam and Greg to follow. I ran to the end of the light when I had reached the source of the light I could see daylight and a barren desert littered with thousand of metal scraps on the ground.

I walked inside the middle of the area. No sign of any Brutes I thought but my thoughts were in vain as Ghosts and Wraiths quickly surrounded me and my squad. An brute that was wearing gold armor came out of the Wraith and stood in front of it. I held up my BR55 ready to squeeze the trigger. The brute merely huffed and said to me "This human....is where you meet your death!"

With that he hopped on the top of his Wraith and gave a loud roar. All the remaining vehicles revved up their weaponry and was ready to take me out. I smiled behind my visor and said:

If there is one this I know about myself is that I am no stranger to war!

[Edited on 06.03.2007 8:16 PM PDT]

  • 01.30.2007 1:29 PM PDT
Subject: Spartans In Arms
  • gamertag: trayne
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Tact is for those who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

No use cryin' over Spillt Milk

It's not bad, man.
If you have to write in first person perspective, I'd recommend finding alternate ways of referring to the main character. Reading the word 'I' every line gets tedious.
Try using a narrator for most of the story while only letting the main characters refer to themselves during quoted dialog.

  • 01.30.2007 1:43 PM PDT
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Posted by: shiv master
It's not bad, man.
If you have to write in first person perspective, I'd recommend finding alternate ways of referring to the main character. Reading the word 'I' every line gets tedious.
Try using a narrator for most of the story while only letting the main characters refer to themselves during quoted dialog.

Thanks! I did realize in my last book that the word "I" got annoying so I was like "What if I make the book in a narrative perspective?" Well I did get that feedback so I'll stick to that

Thanks again:)

  • 01.30.2007 1:47 PM PDT
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My only suggestion is to plug more adjectives in, rather than "I did this; the Brute jumped on top of that". For example, "The Brute chieftan, his scarred, torn armor glinting in the raw, harsh sunlight, scoffed and grunted, "This, human...is where you meet your death!".

[Edited on 1/30/2007]

  • 01.30.2007 1:55 PM PDT
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Good idea I'll be sure to fix that in l8er Phases

  • 01.30.2007 1:57 PM PDT
  • gamertag: trayne
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Tact is for those who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

No use cryin' over Spillt Milk

Something else to consider is that in English, there is always more than one way to say everything. If you want to write in first person, you've got to avoid beginning every sentence with 'I'. Here's an example. I'll rewrite one of your paragraphs with alternate sentence structures.

I walked inside the middle of the area. No sign of any Brutes I thought but my thoughts were in vain as Ghosts and Wraiths quickly surrounded me and my squad. An brute that was wearing gold armor came out of the Wraith and stood in front of it. I held up my BR55 ready to squeeze the trigger. The brute merely huffed and said to me "This human....is where you meet your death!"

Walking to the center of the area, I thought it odd that there was no sign of any Brutes. That thought, however, was rendered moot as my squad and I were quickly surrounded by Ghosts and Wraiths. A gold armor clad Brute (he was apparently the ranking officer) emerged from one of the Wraiths that had positioned itself directly in front of me. I Held my BR55 at the ready but the brute only huffed in disdain. As he turned to mount the Wraith again he quipped, "This, human, is where you meet your end!"

There I began only one sentence with 'I' and I think you can agree that it helps the flow of the action.
Anyway....good luck.

[Edited on 1/30/2007]

  • 01.30.2007 2:05 PM PDT
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I wish i could write that good :'(

  • 01.30.2007 2:07 PM PDT
  • gamertag: trayne
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Tact is for those who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

No use cryin' over Spillt Milk

No no man.....I wasn't knocking your work.
In college, my minor was English, so I've got a ton more experience than you have. I didn't write half as good as you when I was 13. Don't get discouraged.
You're doing great.
Also....if you want to incorporate more flowery, exotic words, consider using a thesaurus. Writers use all kinds of crutches like that to think of other ways to say what they're trying to say.

[Edited on 1/30/2007]

  • 01.30.2007 2:11 PM PDT
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What's your plot going to be about? Will it follow your epic march to salvation among the tarnished, bleeding remains of a shattered human civilization?

  • 01.30.2007 2:26 PM PDT
  • gamertag: trayne
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Tact is for those who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

No use cryin' over Spillt Milk

Posted by: Save Ferris
What's your plot going to be about? Will it follow your epic march to salvation among the tarnished, bleeding remains of a shattered human civilization?


The adjective horse is dead.
No need to beat it.

  • 01.30.2007 2:31 PM PDT
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Maybe I havent decied yet

  • 01.30.2007 2:31 PM PDT
  • gamertag: trayne
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Tact is for those who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

No use cryin' over Spillt Milk

Listen man, you should plan out your story before you start writing. You can't write it as you go.
Sure you can make changes to the plot along the way as you better develop the characters, but your beginning and end should remain the same.

  • 01.30.2007 2:33 PM PDT
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Shivmaster I do realize that I have the middle part all worked out its just the ending thats giving me some problems.

Again I thank you for the construstive critizem.

In America

  • 01.30.2007 2:36 PM PDT

Posted by: Logical Thinking
I think you should burn your halo disc for wanting something this skill free, host dependent, repetative, stupid, and overall bad. I hope you burn in the hottest fires of hell for presenting such a terrible idea. In conclusion, jesus died for everyone but you.

Ninja Academy

Posted by: Dark Spartan117
If there is one this I know about myself is that I am no stranger to war!

^
is that supposed to be thing, i cant understand that sentence if it isnt. wit the tips shiv gave you, itll be a great story.

  • 01.30.2007 2:52 PM PDT
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It wasn't a sarcastic comment; I was just asking what the plot was so that we could give him better help.

  • 01.30.2007 3:05 PM PDT
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Tact is for those who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

No use cryin' over Spillt Milk

Yeah....it's supposed to be:

"If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I am no stranger to war!"

  • 01.30.2007 3:06 PM PDT
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mkay i figured that would be a good conclution for the prologgie

  • 01.30.2007 3:23 PM PDT
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First Stage [yes its not Phase anymore] will be posted February 3rd

  • 01.30.2007 4:02 PM PDT
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WTF!!! THATS IT I WAITED TEN DAY THATS IT !!!

U $%%g $%$%$%^%^%^$%$%$%^&*(&^%&^%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL
JK

  • 01.30.2007 5:11 PM PDT
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You waited and this is all you get 4 now ;)

  • 01.30.2007 6:13 PM PDT
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Do u want to kill iam serious

  • 01.31.2007 6:09 PM PDT
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No but it might kill you to wait for the very first chapter

  • 01.31.2007 6:36 PM PDT
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is here yet

  • 02.01.2007 5:08 PM PDT
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Can you wait 2 dayz?

  • 02.01.2007 7:27 PM PDT
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uhhh no

  • 02.02.2007 12:34 PM PDT