Letters to the Webmaster
Posted by Frankie at 3/29/2007 2:55 PM PDT
Disembodied Soul writes:

Dear Bungie Unit,

The Halo Universe relies heavily on science fiction. Myth relies on..

myths. Aside from normal interests in science fiction, fantasy, and semi-reasonable scenarios, do you find that you are also surrounded by a wide variety of beliefs? Not to delve into something which would cause you or I mass amounts of suffering, I'm just curious about how active faith (religious or not), the ability to believe, and spirituality is in the Bungie environment.

Have any epic episodes occurred in Bungie offices resulting from different perspectives? Has very bad trouble fallen on any because of their pursuit of personal beliefs? Are crew more often forgiven for redeeming qualities or for redeeming actions?

How often are team members reprimanded for day-dreaming? Are any day-dreams so awesome that the day-dreamer is automatically excused, just for having thought of something so cool?

Lastly, is it very reasonable to think of cheaters the same way that Marv from Sin City feels about hit men?

[The outro was so pleasant, it had to be purged to save time]


Ezekiel Chaos

Dear Ezekiel,

Bungie is indeed a spiritual place. Full of spiritual and occasionally religious fellows, Quare and Other and meek and mild. But in the midst of a shared passion, this art they make, their religious differences are like the tiny hooks that give Velcro its vim. They hold people together like duct tape on a scab, and only pain and horror and bloody patches of hair can come from their parting. All of this is irrelevant however, in my solipsistic view. When I sleep, they cease existing, and are reformed upon my waking, with tiny differences that hang on my recall’s veracity. Ergo they cannot be punished for day-dreaming since they are but that within that.

Dear Webmaster,

Is Halo 3 going to have the four player mode like in Halo 2?

Robert Shaw

Dear Robert Shaw,

I have a question for you, Robert Shaw. When she bit into your waist and the blood and tears sprang, could you see into her black, black eyes? Did she see you as she dragged you down to the place where she lives? Was there peace to be had there in the briny depths? I  have often wondered.

Dear Webmaster,

Arrgh! That store of yours is like wathcing a 50" HDTV for 2 years, then moving house and having to watch a 14" SDTV!

And to think I almost forgot what the old Bungie.net used to look like. Well, if you ever need reminding, go look at the Bungie Store!

Back on track. I was about to buy that Halo Legendary Beer Stein, and a carnage patch, but what's this?! Beer Stein disappeared? Carnage page, I presume, going out of stock as it's in clearance! Shipping $50 to UK!

Something must be done. Put your Monkey strength into this and make that price come down. As much as I want to sip cold, cold beer from a stein with an Alien's skeletal head on it, and sow a patch to some part of my exterior, I refuse to pay 50 bucks to ship it over here. I mean, if you want, i'll ship you over a box and foam and tape, and postage back, and it'll cost me around twenty bucks. Something must be done.

Surely there's a Legendary Stein knocking about somewhere? (Check Max's office, I bet he has a few, while you're there, upturn his desk in a fit of Gorilla rage)

Have fun ruining someone elses work life, and have even more fun shipping that small cardboard box over to the UK.

- Chris


Watch the Mighty Boosh, you'll find Bollo pretty interesting.

Dear Chris,

The beer steins are gone. It's my fault. I "tested" them all before shipping them out, and my normal habit of an Oleum float and a Potassium Chloride chaser did the delicate things in. No clue when the Drunkard's Tankard Corporation plans to replenish the supply. Feel free to send me a box full of foam, but you might just as well take a poop in it, set it ablaze and call it a hot girlfriend. It won't change your store purchasing ability. This seems to be a theme. Obviously there’s more profit in, well, profit, than pandering to the whims of readers. I’m on the case. See below.

Dear Webmaster,

Is any new halo (3?) merchandise going to be available soon? If so what kind of stuff? Thank you for your time.

Travis DeLaronde

My Dear Travis,

I concur! All of my efforts to influence the wearables, comestibles and combustibles in that baby-safe excuse for a boutique have been shot down by witless, unimaginative proles and bureaucrats. If they spent half as much time coming up with ideas as they do stifling mine, our output would increase by orders of magnitude. In case anyone at Barneys, or Toys R Us is listening, here’s some of my projected items, you’re welcome.

· Keggerator with foam covered, stainless steel, parallel handles for easy kegstand. Flip-up footrest spots you for those lonely kegstand moments. Pump action is activated by doing pushups on the handles. Highly dangerous and satisfying. Has Grunty thirst logo adornment to enhance relevance. Do NOT use unattended...if you are some kind of weakling she-man.

  • Baby-T-Max. This garment has a short, wide torso, with incredibly long arms. One utilitarian feature is an absorbent bib attachment - which spilled liquid can be sucked economically out of before it evaporates thanks to its high alcohol content. Has some variety of Halo whatever on it.
  • HOW DARE YOU! mask. A static image of a matronly woman’s face, frozen in a ghastly rictus of righteous indignation. No feasible merch application. So let’s call it viral.
  • Life-sized Halo installation, with working superweapon. Apparently it costs too much to ship it to the UK. Pedants!

Dear Webmaster,

me and my little cuzin were thinking about making a war game something like halo, if u get this message please write us back,

Grover D and Roger V.

Dear Grover D and Roger V.

I say go for it! It’s fun to make a game and anyone can do it! Here’s what you’ll need:

An accountant, a large capacious property with excellent power and server capacity. An IT department. About 25 digital artists. At least four animators. A small army of producers. Administrative staff. A business development manager. A studio head. A team of programmers. A design staff. A massive testing organization. Contracts. Computers. Debug kits. Significant cash reserves. If you can get this stuff together by next Friday, email me again and I will help you with your shaders.

Dear Bungie,

I recently returned from Studying Abroad in Europe to find my account banned from Halo 2 Matchmaking. During this time my roomate was the primary player on my account, i asked him if he had been cheating on my account and he told me yes. I realize you guys have to scrutinize these games because there are alot of cheaters out there, but i was wondering if my account can be put on some type of suspension instead of a permanant ban? I have never cheated as you can see, that account is almost a year old with 4000+ games logged, with no cheating until recent im sure. I will derank the areas he cheated in, or go on probation, or whatever. i would just realy like to be able to play matchmaking again. Thank you for your consideration, and i apoligize for this incident.


Dear Brantley,

I believe you, and feel free to show this heartfelt affidavit to your room mate.

“Dear Brantley’s room mate,

Quite apart from plumbing new depths of pathetic idiocy (cheating in a video game against strangers), you now find yourself in what I assume is an awkward real-life social moment with your former friend. You see, by my accounting, you owe him recompense for the replacement of his Xbox Live account, which is forever associated with your poltroonery. No fee can adequately repair his good reputation, and the stress has already affected his spelling, but I imagine $50 is a good start. Think of it as borrowing and subsequently wrecking his car, only infinitely more stupid and pointless.”

Oh, Brantley – one more thing. Deliberately de-leveling may have unpleasant compounding consequences upon your ban. I really wouldn’t. Prosecute recompense from this dastardly room mate instead.

Dear Webmaster,

omg your new website suk !!! sry for the comment but its the true .....whit all respect ---- -----maxime

Gabriel Marin

Dear Gabriel,

I’m not sure you’re entirely in command of the English term, ‘respect,’ however, let me counterpoint.

Omg no ur teh suk!! It’s the true!

Dear Webmaster,

I don't know if this happens with everyone or not, but I guess it happens with Mozilla at least.

Bug: People can vote an unlimited amount of times on the polls (using Mozilla I believe).

StankFace Botulism Assbuckets McGee

Dear StankFace,

Please direct me to the terms of use statement where we state, or even imply that Bungie is a democracy. If I recall correctly, the entire span of human history demonstrates that might is right, from the crushing of the French at Agincourt to the last colon-cleaningly vicious wedgie you suffered at the hands of Strapper Brannigan, school bully. If somebody feels very strongly about something, let them find a stupid way to rock the vote. They are simply demonstrating the intensity of their passion. This served us well in the last two presidential elections and it’ll work next time, by God. And to be perfectly frank, when all the voting is said and done, I will go in and edit the text file so that Hang ‘Em High becomes my favorite – Chiron. To wit: Your name is not actually Stankface, it’s Conner, but I control the information.

Letters to the Webmaster - 2012 

Posted by urk at 8/15/2012 11:59 AM PDT

DeeJ writes:

Bungie's Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit.  Expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now.  He made me post this...

Dear Nerds,

Looks like Bungie went and hired another new jackass to glad-hand you whelps. Let me tell you something, this new guy is soft on idiocy. He also seems to think that Bungie.net isn’t good enough for keeping the Seventh Column under control.

As I wrapped my fist around his scrawny neck, he whimpered something about world domination and a tactical need to leave home from time to time. That made a fair amount of sense, so I went and had a look-see for myself. Guess what I found?

Facebook and Twitter.


Don’t think you can fool me for one second with this babe in the woods routine. We never kicked an ass that didn’t beg for it, and from what I can tell you’re quite eager to prostrate yourself online. That said, we don’t mete out the justice in Halo anymore. Go bark up someone else’s tree, huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Dear Eelis,

I like eating small insects that I find in my pelt, but that’s not something you wanted to know either.

TJ and James, James and TJ,

Saying that we’re working on the next Call of Duty is like saying you two Shakespearean fellows are writing yourselves a play. We all know that’s just not happening.


One part of me wonders if posting to our Facebook page indicates that you do, in fact, care to some degree. Then again, given your flagrant abuse of punctuation, I also wonder if those letters coincidentally formed words when you mashed your face against the keyboard. If not, please do us all a favor and employ this method from here on out.



You make it sound like we all went down in flames in a plane crash. That can’t be true. If that happened, who keeps stocking the fridge with hooch?


I’ve got a trade for you. If you are willing to stay as far away from our Facebook page as possible, I will pay your enrollment fee for a competitive multiplayer event I think you will love. It’s called a spelling bee.


You’ll also be the first one they find in the cmment under my crawlspace.


I’m your biggest fan. Please send me a Blu-ray copy of Hot Tub Time Machine and a case of beer. You can send it bulk if you want to save on shipping, just make sure you pack the booze in dry ice.


You’re welcome.


You, your friend, and those four other players who shouldn’t be listening to you should camp out the lobby at Microsoft headquarters and demand an answer. Or, go outside for an hour.


Speaking of families, your mom has asked me to tell you not to kiss her with that mouth anymore. Also, she won’t be home for dinner. There should be a Hot Pocket in the freezer.

Eat it.


Do you really think that would do it? Because we have an appointment with a tattoo artist next week who is coming into the studio to scribble it onto our foreheads with a hot needle.

We're Hiring: User Experience Designer 

Posted by lukems at 6/3/2008 2:05 PM PDT

We're looking for a User Experience Designer, head over to the Jobs Page to learn about what this position demands.

The listing was so full of requirements, expectations and job functions that Achronos had to retool the Jobs Page in order to make it look right. Go check it out.


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