Years of love were forgotten, in the hatred of a minute.
Sketch felt compelled to write an emotionally charged Humpday mea culpa casting his own Halo skills in doubt and calling attention to himself as the sole culprit responsible for Team Terracotta’s totally embarrassing loss to HBO’s
cybernetic killing machines sent back in time to seek out and destroy all Bungie life. Yesterday, it turned out that individual skill and overall manpower would not be a problem.
This morning Outlook greeted me with a friendly meeting reminder that was twelve hours overdue.
“Humpday with the Bungie.net Moderators.”
It was, of course, already too late. Time was a luxury our team no longer had. Hold that thought.
Since we were throwing down against our forum mod squad, we figured it would be right neighborly to send in some representatives from our own online team, namely Tom, Chris, and Stosh. The rest of the team was comprised of two Team Onyx steeds, a pair of multiplayer designers, and yours truly (that’s me).
Achronos – He is your Overlord.
Phailboat – He is your Overlord’s Overlord.
Stoshy – Probably his fault.
Thug Larz – Straight off the street.
mantis – Time Bandit.
d1rtydr3w – Not really all that dirty.
Tkblingx2 – Still warming up.
Urk the Red – Red hot.
Team Ninja fielded eighteen brave men and one Yoozel. In between rounds, they took time out to swap in fresh players from the bench. (I’m pretty sure Qbix had to borrow Foman’s jock.) Here’s the full roster, in no particular order:
Game 1: 8v8 Slayer Pro on Boardwalk
The Slayer Bro
X Lord Revan x
Old Papa Rich
Allow Tomo to set the stage with a brief recap of Game 1:
“I enjoyed the first game, though I probably should have played a couple warm up games before the Humpday.”
Gotta Stretch the Hammies
Hindsight is always 20/20, but even though we didn’t limber up before the match, our opening game was still ultra-competitive with the lead changing hands several times while both teams struggled desperately to stake out a permanent position on the map’s higher perches. In the end, it was our Team Onyx duo of Drew and Tomo that kept us in the game, but even their skillfully placed crossmap shots were not enough to stave off the endless onslaught of our beloved, but bloodthirsty ninjas.
After all was said and done, Joe Tung’s last minute decision to sit out this challenge rang in my ears. “Wake me when you need me,” he said. While he snoozed, we went down 0-1.
I Have the High Ground!
Today, Stosh tried to put the blame onto his own shoulders. Derek wasn’t too happy with his performance, either.
“I betrayed Larz early in the game, and failed to capitalize on my stolen rocket launcher at the very end. LVP for sure.”
But one look at the stats reveals the real story. There was plenty of blame to go around. Only two Bungie players pulled positive numbers. Still, Team Ninja barely eked out the victory. The final word goes to Lars Bakken, who also got caught napping.
“This was a super close game. I got greedy when we were tied at 74/74 and ran after a guy who I thought was by himself. Turned out he was and I had the drop on him, unfortunately two of his teammates showed up behind me. One of them Shotgunned me in the back for the game winning score. See my file share for a sweet shot of my ‘laying down on the job.’”
Final Score: 75-74. Ninjas win.
Game 2: 8v8 Invasion Slayer on Boneyard
Tank beats everything! Game 2 was moderator’s choice and they chose poorly
. Our overall game plan for the night was to keep them out of cockpits, so we figured that they’d put up a more formidable fight when they got behind the wheel. Turns out, they were on the receiving end of nearly all of the vehicular manslaughter.
Here’s Lars with the breakdown (and a little bit of foreshadowing):
“This was more like it! I don't know why we didn't pick this as our third game too, but that would have been a little cheap. Still Invasion Slayer is one of my favorite gametypes in Reach, and we schooled them.”
Tomo: “First mistake for them, they picked Dinos. We steam rolled through this game, err the tank (Derek) did.”
And while Derek might have considered himself LVP for Game 1, he went off with the Scorpion and the Sniper Rifle in the follow up affair, putting up a professional grade +22 while leading our team to an all-out route of Team Ninja.
Don't Tread on Me
“I only got ~17 tank kills,” Derek notes, “but yeah, all those explosions seemed to knock them off their game.”
Final Score: 100-72. Bungie wins.
Game 3: 8v8 Stockpile on Hemorrhage
So much time was paid to determining the number of flag caps required to win this match that we forgot to consider one crucial and damning detail (and that, as they say, is where the Devil is). Just before Derek fired up the match, he pleaded with me to talk him out of the gametype and map selection.
“This is a terrible idea,” I replied. I even delayed the countdown once in defiance. But once is never enough and our pregame trepidation was indeed an omen of the terrible events to come.
Exhibit A. Eight players on our squad. Some of the industry’s brightest minds, all soon to be hoisted with our own petards. Note the time remaining at the outset.
Exhibit B. You may not notice the transparent figure holding a Sniper Rifle in this image. We sure didn’t and Nedus made us pay for our lack of vision, racking up eighteen kills on his way to a totally deathless performance.
Exhibit C. This is the moment of dread. The announcer’s voice booms throughout the curious gorge. “Thirty seconds remaining!” A ripple of terror splits our team’s resolve in twine. The confused shrieking over the microphones shatters our resolve as one by one we realize that the finality of the clock, and not our rifles, will be our ultimate undoing.
The second hand had become a razor’s edge, the blade sliding inexorably toward our extended necks. And we were powerless to stop it. Team Ninja captured two flags as the final seconds ticked away.
“I was having a great time,” notes Lars, “until I realized there was 45 seconds left and we were about to lose. Nooooooooo...game set up fail. We deserved to lose that one.” :)
“16 people, and no one notices the time limit until there are only 30 seconds remaining," adds Derek. "We are smart, and good at games.”
Final Score: 14-13. Team Ninja Wins.
Tomo sums it up nicely.
“Curse you timer!!! One the plus side I did come in first place for the race game we played next.”
Ah yes, Games 4 and 5. I was tempted to write this up as the first ever Best of Five Humpday Challenge. Truth be told, it wouldn’t have mattered. Our consolation games were just that – fun games with a great group of guys. Guys that keep our forums clean for little more than a few words of encouragement, the occasional t-shirt, and the power to crush the hopes and dreams of the seedier elements of the Bungie community beneath their well-worn combat boots.
For that, and for the awesome games we played last night, we extend our thanks and gratitude.
Consolation Game 1: Astronaut on Zealot
Some players might tell you that Juggernaut on Zealot with 300% Speed and 16 players is a stupendously foolish idea. Those people are right. I only have one image from this game. The rest were deemed too pornographic for Bungie.net.
Consolation Game 2: Race on Master Chief’s Raceway
Long and Winding
I don’t know who made this map and I don’t care. All I know is that the moment my Mongoose hit the drink, I was in for a bumpy ride. I wasn’t the only one, either.
Big thanks to our moderators for playing some sweet Humpday games with us. I think we all know that had the final game been set up correctly, we’d have won easily. Still, we are nothing if not gracious and we had an absolute blast. Thanks for everything, you surly bunch of jerks!
Next up, Tied the Leader. Death for you, Gunslingers. Life for Team Onyx. Saddle up.