Fails of the Weak Volume 28

No one is safe!

"Happy April's Fails Day folks! It's a celebration!! This week is full of wackiness and goodies that you always expect. Enjoy!"



YouTube - Fails of the Weak Volume 28!

Halo: Reach 4/1/2011 12:57 PM PDT permalink

Halo Reach Player Improvernator

Guaranteed to give you the edge!

The all-new Halo Reach Player Improvernator will drastically help you improve at Halo Reach. Our super-advanced system is guaranteed to help you improve in specific matchmaking stats giving you the edge you've always wanted.

http://halocharts.com/improve.php

Halo: Reach 4/1/2011 8:49 AM PDT permalink

Humpday Challenge - PMS Clan

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

The ladies of the storied Halo community, PMS Clan, banded together against poor little old us this week, hell bent on proving they had what it takes to not only put some cracks in the glass ceiling, but also in our visors via some expert DMR marksmanship. I’m still not convinced Lionel didn’t have a secondary goal of flexing his Halo muscle in front of the lovely ladies – he and Hal set this whole Humpday up outside of the usual, albeit recently inoperative channels – but either way, the challenge was issued and we responded as we always do…by barely fielding a horribly organized team of players easily confused by the simple prospect of smoothly hosting three custom games.

Let’s begin!

Team Bungle



The Manliest of Manly Men.

Team PMS



Suddenly, all the misogynistic jokes we made in the pre-game lobby weren’t all that funny.

Game .5 – King of the Hill on Breakpoint

“Um…wait. Hal, you didn’t put the Crazy in Crazy King, did you?”

Game 1 – Crazy King on Breakpoint

Ah, that’s better. The hill moves! But not before our opponents worked up a sizable lead. It wasn’t until we took to the skies instead of trying to match up, if you’ll forgive an expression, man to man, that we started to whittle away at their effective hill control strategy.

Durkin

Things felt close to start off with, but at some point we gained control of both Falcons and with Tomo as my gunner, we could do no wrong…that is until they reclaimed the Splaser and reduced our bird into a smoldering pile of scrap metal.



Lionel
We had to restart this game after realizing that static king would mean we’d all spawn at the top of the hill and run all the way down just to get killed immediately for 15 minutes. After upping the fun level by maximizing the random, 30 second hill moves had us scrambling back and forth across breakpoint like crazy, crazy kings. More than once we’d finally capture the hill only to have the rug immediately pulled from under our feet. The PMS clan had a talent for changing my plans, I PLANNED to get some hill time, I PLANNED on not getting teamshot, I PLANNED on being alive for more than 15 seconds at a time.


Due to some Falcon heroics we were able to pull this one out, barely - by a mere 18 seconds. I fell victim to some unlucky positioning, getting teamshot by swarms of freshly respawned ladies on more than one occasion.

Hal
Favorite part of the first game was realizing that a game to 500 was on the same page as a game to 5,000.

Hal: “500, huh?”

L Askan: “Yeah…”



We abused the Falcons at one point, but it was definitely a close game off the get go.

















Bungie Wins, 173-155.

Game 2 – Slayer Pro on Boardwalk

Ah, Boardwalk. Once your were the bane of our Humpday dreams, now you bend to our will. Slayer Pro was a good selection for us, even though Tomo confessed to be pretty cold with the precision weapons. Turned out his rifle was indeed hot, and did most of the talking for Team Bungie.

Durkin
Don’t have much for a summary on this game. As long as I was with a teammate I did ok, but if I was on my own I tended to get taken out pretty fast.



Lionel
These girls had obviously done their homework and sought to undermine our growing confidence threefold; first, in a daylight savings-esque maneuver they pushed the slayer game up a spot in an attempt to jumble our internal clocks. Secondly, they went for the jugular by selecting Boardwalk (Hi, Tomo!) and I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a pre-planned move. Third, they brought in their ringer, errratica.



Normally manly men, we aren’t easily shaken - a quick review of her service record however revealed that she is approaching 100,000 MM kills, more than our entire team combined. Before I was able take bended knee and propose, she made the admission that she preferred the Assault Rifle over the pistol. Beyond that I can only tell you this: The wedding is off. This game was over from jump (pun intended). We spawned on the high side, and never truly relinquished control of top snipe area.


Hal
I totally clipped the girl who fell off the map at the get go, but I guess I forgot to upload it to my share… but that was my favorite moment when we were literally 10 seconds into game and without a shot fired you hear “Gained the Lead,” and Lionel saying, “That’ll help.”





Bungie Wins, 100 – 46.

Game 3 – 2 Flag on Tempest

Humpday already in the bag, I figured I’d just play for fun. Apparently, Durkin doesn’t have a “Just for Fun” gear.

Durkin
As I hopped into the gunner seat of Hal’s Warthog, I called it a death machine, expecting to be a double kill on wheels. It did turn out to be a death machine, but the other way around. Despite our constant warthog onslaught, and the other team losing a player, it still took us a long time to get our first flag cap. Shortly afterward Hal’s reckless driving combined with a hail of DMR fire flipped our ‘hog, ending our reign of terror. Without the Warthog to hide behind, I felt pretty ineffective, and resorted to throwing myself at the other team in hopes of distracting them from our flag carrier.




Lionel
6v6 Two flag on Tempest is my favorite game of Halo right now. Great mix of Warthog and foot battles, perfect balance of weapons, amazing map. The PMS clan had a lock down defense, it took one of their players lagging out (yeah, lagging out… that’s it) before we were able to even put hands on their flag, probably well beyond five minutes into the match. A few times we had a player close but the warthog carnage led to them respawning right next to their flag and decimating a would be thief. When we were finally able to get a flag carrier into the passenger seat of our Hog it was a harrowing experience, more than one rocket very nearly missing the already damaged transport. I think I should quote Halcylon here.

“This hogs gonna blow up if I sneeze.”

They pulled our flag a few times and even managed to work one back to their base. We used that opportunity to set up for another pull and slow walked it over top mid for the win.


Hal
While they did lose a player early, this was definitely the most fun. Driving Durkin for his frenzy and getting my road rage.















Bungie Wins, 3 – 1.

It’d been a while since we rolled out the Bungie crew for some good old fashioned humpin’, but I gotta say it felt great to get back in the saddle. Good thing the lovely, and respectable, ladies we faced off with took it easy on us.

Lionel gets the last word:

Great games PMS Clan, I look forward to meeting you on the battlefield again.


P.S. All images from today's write-up can be found in high resolution glory in Hal's Service Record. Because I am far too lazy to link them all individually.

Halo: Reach 3/31/2011 4:01 PM PDT permalink

Halo: Reach - Achievement HORSE #17!

There's a special surprise on the other side!

Jack and Geoff are back in Achievement HORSE. Will Jack start his attack on Geoff and break the 5-7 record? Watch and find out!



YouTube - Halo: Reach - Achievement HORSE #17!

Halo: Reach 3/31/2011 9:18 AM PDT permalink

How Halo: Reach Should Have Ended

SPOILERZ!

If you haven't seen Reach fall, don't watch this video. If you have, check out how it could've ended differently.



YouTube - How Halo: Reach Should Have Ended

Halo: Reach 3/30/2011 9:34 AM PDT permalink

Matchmaking Update LIVE!

Team Classic, Action Sack, and MLG Updates.

Why did you click in? You have all the information you need. Load up your copy of Halo: Reach and check out some change you can believe in!

Halo: Reach 3/29/2011 2:58 PM PDT permalink

I Shot You First!

Gameplay Networking in Halo: Reach.

In case you missed David Aldridge's infamous GDC performance, we just uploaded all the slides and we're ready to show them off in all their epic glory. There's even a few extra sections Aldridge didn't have the time to delve into included for good measure. Be fair warned, though. The full file is more than 500 megabytes large. If you're conserving bandwidth, try the tiny file on for size first and see how it suits you.

"Gameplay networking is easy once you have a socket open!" Find out all the things that are wrong with that statement in this gripping tale of the perilous minefield that lies between sockets and game code. This talk describes in detail the patterns and processes that have allowed Bungie to repeatedly set new standards for gameplay networking quality. Come see how we develop competitive game mechanics that are fun over the Internet, learn what kinds of network introspection tools you need to build into your next online game, and marvel at the low-tech way we measure lag."

I Shot You First! Gameplay Networking in Halo: Reach

PublicationsHalo: Reach 3/28/2011 3:59 PM PDT permalink

Bungie All Stars - Week 12

No glue required. (UPDATED!)

Alright, no Forge this week. Since Hal whipped you up some awesome wallpapers in Friday's update, I figure it's your turn to return the favor. Using the Theater, take a screenshot worthy of gracing my desktop. (It's a tall order. You should see what I have pinned up there right now. If I showed it to you, I'd have to kill you.)

Here are this week's rules:

  1. Snap a wallpaper worthy screenshot in Halo: Reach (if you want to slap in your own custom artwork, be my guest, but no funny business*).
  2. You have from this very second until Thursday, March 31st at 11:59pm PT to submit your entry for consideration to contest@bungie.com.
  3. Use the subject line “Bungie All Star Week 12” without the quotation marks.
  4. The size limit is 10MB. Include a preview image and a link to the original in your file share (unless it's custom art).
  5. One submission per person. Please include your Bungie.net profile and gamertag in your email.
Go!

*You can submit an original screenshot, your own art, or a blend of both. "Funny business" includes anything that we wouldn't publish to Bungie.net. Lewd stuff and the like.

Halo: Reach 3/28/2011 8:51 AM PDT permalink

Bungie Weekly Update: 03/25/2011

A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?

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Bungie Weekly UpdateHalo: Reach 3/25/2011 1:46 PM PDT

Reclaimer: Side Effects

Warning: Do not operate heavy machinery for at least three hours after dying.

Wednesday's Reclaimer is locked and loaded. With fonts.

Reclaimer: Side Effects

Halo: Reach 3/23/2011 9:13 AM PDT permalink

Reclaimer: Takedown

Now with more explodey goodness!

Today's Reclaimer starts off with a bang, and ends, of course, with a lead into next week's strip. Check it out.

Reclaimer: Takedown

Halo: Reach 3/21/2011 9:38 AM PDT permalink

Defiant Map Pack FAQ

It's official!

Defiant Map Pack FAQ

If you purchased the Defiant Map Pack from Xbox LIVE Marketplace and you haven't experienced a single, solitary problem, congratulations - you can comfortably count yourself among the majority. You don't need to read another word.

If you find yourself in the other camp, don't worry. We've been in direct communication with Microsoft and 343 Industries and they're committed to making sure all your Defiant Map Pack needs are met.

Here are the current technical support topics pertaining to the Defiant Map Pack.

Q. What is this “Defiant Map Pack” you speak of, and how can I get it?


A. The Defiant Map Pack is the latest pack of maps for Halo: Reach. Designed by Certain Affinity, in partnership with 343 Industries, it features two multiplayer maps, Highlands and Condemned, and one Firefight mission, Unearthed. You can get the Defiant Map Pack right now in the Marketplace for 800 Microsoft Points.

Q: Okay, I gave you my hard earned monies in exchange for one brand spankin' new Defiant Map Pack, but after successfully downloading and installing it, none of the maps show up in the game menu. What gives?


A: Turns out that there's currently a technical issue tied to the number of Marketplace Content items you can have active for Halo: Reach at any one given time (this does not include Saved Games, Screenshots, or Saved Films). Right now, you can only have a total of three content items simultaneously active. Items that fit the bill include pre-order bonus or retailer exclusive armor, map packs, or your Bungie Pro confirmation.

Microsoft is working on a long-term solution, but for now, you'll need to delete one of the three items you have active. Here's how you do it:



In your Xbox 360 Dashboard, sign into your profile, and navigate to the System Settings tile in the My Xbox list. From the settings pane, select Memory.



Select Hard Drive as the storage device.



Select Games.



Select Halo: Reach.



Select the Bungie Pro Confirmation Marketplace Content item.



Delete it.

Deleting the Bungie Pro confirmation item will not impact your Bungie Pro Membership in any way.

Q. I can play the two multiplayer maps, but the Firefight map "Unearthed" gives me the error "Players failed to load content" when I select it in the lobby. This makes me sad. Bungie, you can make me happy again, right?


A. Yes! Well, maybe. You might have installed the Defiant Map Pack to a memory unit on a console that also has a hard drive. That won’t work. You need to install the Defiant Map Pack to the hard drive only.

Q. Hey! I can’t render Defiant Map Pack videos on Bungie.net yet. You hate me, don’t you?


A. Hate is such a strong word. Bungie Pro Video Rendering requires us to write custom code to our internal systems. Like you, we’ve only just received the latest version of the Defiant Map Pack. Our programmers are coding like the wind to ensure video rendering is up and running as quickly as possible. If you do submit a file for rendering, or already have, don’t worry, we’ll queue it up and spit it out in 24-48 hours.

Non-Defiant Map Pack video rendering is unaffected.

That's it for now. We'll keep in touch with Microsoft and keep a watchful eye on the community in the days ahead to make sure we keep tabs on any key issues you might experience.

FAQs and InfoHalo: Reach 3/15/2011 9:23 AM PDT permalink

Bungie Weekly Update: 03/04/2011

We have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old.

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Bungie Weekly UpdateHalo: Reach 3/4/2011 2:08 PM PST

Arby 'n' The Chief: Drunken Halo

What do you do with a drunken Halo?

HBO tipped us off over the weekend that the latest episode of Arby 'n' the Chief went live. Click on the video to check it out below. Of course, there's explicit content.



YouTube - Arby 'n' The Chief: Drunken Halo

Halo: Reach 2/28/2011 9:09 AM PST permalink

Bungie Weekly Update: 02/25/2011

Flying too close to the sun on wings slathered in hot sauce.

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Halo: Reach 2/25/2011 2:44 PM PST

HaloCharts Halo: Reach Player Comparisons

Back up your braggadocio with empirical evidence.

Interested in seeing how you stack up against your friends? Think you could hold your own against a Pro? Well, the Halo Reach Player Comparison Generator can provide you with an in-depth look at how you compare across a ton of key stats in Matchmaking, Campaign and Firefight. Type in gamertags of players you'd like to compare and you'll instantly get back a stat set with highlights showing who is the best (or worst) in a particular stat. Now when you talk trash in the pre-game lobby you can back it up!

http://halocharts.com/reachcompare.php

Halo: Reach 2/25/2011 9:19 AM PST permalink

The Respawn Army

Get fit for combat.

We're a little bit late to the game, but if you're looking to improve your battlefield prowess, Machinima Respawn is opening their barracks to all combatants. It's a little bit of role playing, a whole lot of YouTube and Facebook, and a good excuse to play more Reach. Check it out!

The Respawn Army - Halo Reach: Project Spartan - Introduction

Halo: Reach 2/23/2011 9:27 AM PST permalink

Bungie Weekly Update: 02/18/2011

All present and accounted for.

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Bungie Weekly UpdateHalo: Reach 2/18/2011 2:10 PM PST

Halo: Reach - BACK ONLINE

And we're back!

All better now. The online team tells me the source of the problem was rooted out, physically destroyed, and tossed into a dumpster. Again, apologies for the early morning hiccups. 

Halo: Reach 2/17/2011 9:07 AM PST permalink

Halo: Reach Matchmaking is OFFLINE

We're on it.

Our Test team is furiously scrambling to determine the source of the outage and to make the necessary repairs. As of right now, they are not able to supply an ETA, but rest assured that Top Men are on the scene. Apologies for the imposition. Thank you for your patience.

We'll notify you when everything is back online.

Halo: Reach 2/17/2011 7:47 AM PST permalink

Doubles Attack is Live

Carnage for Couples!

Grab your best mate and jump into some Firefight Doubles Attack. It's live just in time for Valentine's Day. You bring the chocolates and we'll supply the endless shenanigans. You complete us.

PlaylistsHalo: Reach 2/14/2011 11:15 AM PST permalink

Defiant Map Pack

Defy the Covenant. March 2011.

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Halo: Reach 2/14/2011 10:20 AM PST