May I suggest that you upgrade to at least a Class Twelve combat skin? Your current model only scans as a Class Two, which is ill-suited for this kind of work.
Last week, while Bungie Humpday alumni Joseph Tung and Luke Smith cordially discussed their own bygone glory days over email, Sketch and I began assembling a new and improved Humpday team under a cloak of studio secrecy. For our inaugural Halo: Reach Humpday Challenge the fearsome foursome we fielded needed to be faster, smarter, and more consistent than last year’s models. They needed to be bold, but not cocky - brave without being foolhardy. And most importantly of all, they needed to become harbingers of Bungie’s divine and righteous justice.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you…
d1rtydr3w, Andrew Harrison
JonnyOThan, Jon Cable
Huevos666, Paul Lewellen
I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the seven living creatures say in a voice like thunder, "Come Forward." I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a Designated Marksman Rifle, and he was given a Skull Helmet, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on Conquest.
And their opponents…
Cocopjojo, Jacob Benton
Total Sellout, David Ellis
xGLYPHx, Jon Goff
teffer, Chris Lee
Before we begin with today’s postgame carnage, we need to issue a small clarification and lay the groundwork for future Humpday Challenges – our last Halo 3 throw down concluded on a somewhat sour note. Joystiq writer Dustin Burg, hell bent on using our love of the game to suit his own nefarious ends, openly abused our trust and assembled a team, not from the official roster at Joystiq, but rather from the dark, public corners of the Internet-at-large.
Upon seeing our Gentleman’s Agreement so callously disregarded, and facing a cadre of anonymous Halo 3 Generals, we forged new rules to tip the scales in our favor; fashioning game types Dustin’s squad of mercenaries had no hope of winning. We stashed weapons and powerups, rigged capture points, and hung objectives from impossible to reach perches. We were not proud of our actions and in the end, in the interest of fairness, all but Burg walked away wearing a new suit of Recon armor.
Going forward our Humpday Challenges will be run a bit more officially. The rules are simple:
If you are challenged, your roster must be comprised of players culled directly from your organization or established community. And no, Hysteria is not a part of your established community.
If you accept, only official game types will be allowed. If it’s on the disc, or in matchmaking, it’s fair game. No Big Team Splockets on your claustrophobic creation, “Hallway.”
- We can and will alter the rules at any time.
Housekeeping out of the way, let’s get down to some Hump.
Our foursome played as one, assembling together at our Bellevue office in a fitting show of Bungie brotherhood and solidarity. As they lifted their controllers to the ready position, a crowd of supportive employees formed at their backs. 343 Industries, I can only assume, played from their disparate dwellings where they likely spent numerous respawns boning up on UNSC literature and zealously fingering their collection of signed McFarlane action figures in hopes of coaxing out some small measure of comfort.
“Yeah, having everyone in the same room was ideal for coordinating and calling out enemy positions,” Lewellen noted after the match, “and even though we all tend to play like lone wolves, it helped us feel more like a team.”
Game 1: Team Slayer on Asylum
The Cut: Chateaubriand
Harrison recalls little about this game’s subtle minutia, but as you can tell from the rendered video we’ve linked you to below, our squad played like a quartet of murderous robots sent back from the future to systematically target 343 Industries’ finest with a hail of non-traditional ordnance. By choosing Assault Rifle starts, they forced 343 Industries to contend with four Jet Packing opponents who utilized superior map knowledge, Needlers, and the Sniper Rifle to brilliant and abusive effect.
: “AR starts favored our Jet Packing ways – hard to get a pull with a Magnum (damn that clip is shallow). Oh, and the Needler destroys dudes without a ranged weapon.”
: “Cocop on the other team was good, but once we took the Sniper out of his hands and placed it into Lewellen’s, it was game over.”
Got My Glowing Purple Eye On You
Paul’s Perspective: “I thought Slayer on Asylum would work well with our play-style, and in our practices we delivered some brutally one-sided games on that map. Once we got warmed up, there was really nothing the other team could do to slow our momentum.”
Final Score: Bungie wins (50 -23).
Game 2: Team Slayer on The Cage
The Cut: Filet Mignon
Click on the image above to check out all of Game 1's stats and multimedia.
Most of team 343 Industries tightened up the gameplay on the map of their choosing, The Cage, and all but one turned in respectable performances against our Team Onyx Juggernauts. Cocopjojo stayed true to his roots, holding fast to his Assault Rifle for the entire duration, but it wasn’t nearly enough to turn the tide. To expound at length on the details of this game would be excessive, even for us. Though the score was ultimately a little bit closer when game 2 came to an end, the striking results speak for themselves. (As does the video we’ve embedded below.)
Round the Corner
Down and Out
: “Having them choose The Cage worked out reasonably well for us – not our best map, but we’d played it enough to know what we needed to do and execute on it. Plus, it has a Sniper Rifle and lots of good alternate routes for our Jet Packers.”
Final Score: Bungie wins (50-29).
Game 3: Team Slayer on Powerhouse
The Cut: Tournedos
Click on the image above to check out all of Game 2's stats and multimedia.
I’ll be honest. During practice warm ups, I was a little worried that our dream team wouldn’t induce nightmares in 343 Industries. Not knowing who our squad would square off against, or how skilled and practiced they would be, we trained our four men long and hard in anticipation of a worthy foe. Would Frankie be making a return to form? What if they beat us at our own game? These were questions we didn’t have answers to.
Fortunately, Team Onyx's rifles supplied all the answers we needed.
All Together Now
: “It was also good that we got some practice playing together beforehand, both internally against our awesome ‘B-team’ guys and in matchmaking. It helped us decide what maps we wanted to play, as well as what individual roles we should take in each match.”
I don’t have to imagine the pain and suffering that befell 343 Industries as our four players pounced upon them, claws fully extended. I can only hope that our dear friends had already resigned themselves to defeat and rested their controllers dutifully on their laps, choosing to instead go about some other bit of pressing business as opposed to witnessing their digital avatars be ravenously devoured by our uncaged and acrobatic animals.
Here’s the final word from Paul Lewelle
“We hadn’t really decided on our other map, and had actually been strongly leaning towards Zealot, or possibly even Reflection. But when the time came, we decided to deliver our third steak on a map everyone remembered from the Beta – what better way to complete our demonstration of how Bungie plays the games we make?”
What better way, indeed.
Final Score: Bungie wins (50-25)
, delivering the first ever Humpday Triple Steaktacular on record and sending a bloody, but deliciously tender message to all who would dare accept our challenge.
Click on the image above to check out all of Game 3's stats and multimedia.
Thanks to 343 Industries for showing up and taking their lumps with poise and grace. Though only Jon rocked a headset, we did get word of their general mood in the immediate wake of yesterday’s matches.
“Going to need one of those doughnut rings to sit down tomorrow.”
Sorry about that, boys. HBO, get prepped, you’re next. Consider this your official challenge. Details will be delivered shortly.