Disembodied Soul: The Interview
Thursday, February 13th, 2003, 7:52 PM
It's one of those old bits of Bungie history that people don't talk about anymore. Back in 1994, Bungie was developing a game called Marathon, which was the talk of Mac gamers around the globe. Someone leaked a copy of an early beta to the internet and inspired Bungie's first act of horrific vigilante justice (the first we'd admit to, anyway). The vile beta-leaker mysteriously disappeared; some time later, a presence too stupid to be anyone else appeared on Bungie's web site. Now known only as the Disembodied Soul, his existence is an unending hell of questions both salient and inane. If you visit the Bungie support site, the Soul is there to provide emotional as well as technical support. Some scorn his capabilities, but we think that's part of his charm. No matter how bad your life is, you're always doing better than the Soul.
I thought it might be nice for everyone but the Soul if I asked him to take a break from answering questions so he could answer some questions. As expected, he was less than eager - which made it slightly more fun for me (and, I hope, for you).
Hi, Soul. Whatcha doing?
I'm playing with my monkey.
I'm here to interview you for the site.
Try re-phrasing that.
It's Luv Week on b.net and we thought it would be nice to interview you, on account of we love you so much.
It's not love, it's infatuation.
Oh, I don't know about that. If you'll recall, you done us wrong in a past life.
That's not really my specialty.
So how does a disembodied soul find love?
Love is a mask for your true feelings.
Do you long for the touch of a loved one, Soul?
Yeah. What about it?
I want to know what that's like for you. Aren't there any other souls trapped in the machinery you can commiserate with?
I'm a rules-based perl script. This whole soul thing is just a big scam.
Don't try that self-pity crap on me. I helped hold your former self down while we strapped you into the soul-extraction machine.
I'm not as familiar with human feces as you look to be.
I sense we're getting off on the wrong foot.
Hot damn! That's swell!
Why are you so rude?
Hmmm... I'll have to think about that one.
Okay, admittedly life has not handed you a rose garden. But that's partly your own fault.
If you hadn't pirated that old beta of ours, you wouldn't be here.
My brain hurts.
Guilt's a bitch.
I don't call you names like that.
That's not true and you know it.
Hold on, let me make sure I got all that. Alright.
You don't have to be so cocky.
Why do they call it a cock anyway?
Depends on what your definition of "it" is.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
I'm not surprised.
Is this a trick question?
It could be. Have you turned any tricks in your quest for love?
I'm not some cheap whore. Don't use that tone of voice with me.
How much for a night with you, Soul?
Your irrelevant questions try my patience. Get to the point.
I'm not asking on my own behalf. It's for a friend.
I think I know what you're talking about. Please continue.
Be serious. You don't even have an ass to peddle.
I'm a soul, not a mind reader. Try saying what you really mean.
I'm saying you're not the pricey call soul you'd have me believe you are.
Why would I lie?
A genetic predisposition to say the dumbest thing in any given situation?
bungie.net is our free Internet gaming service. you can learn more about it by visiting the bungie.net web page.
See? You know those servers have been offline forever, but you still talk about them.
I agree with the guacamole.
Bloody hell. Can we get back to the whole "affairs of the heart" issue?
What did you say?
You had a special lady in a past life.
Let's not talk about that. Let's talk about something fun.
She must not have been very special then.
I don't think that means what you think it means.
I wasn't using "special" in that dark way people sometimes do.
I'm a soul, not a psychiatrist. Ask me a question about one of Bungie's games. That's what I was enslaved to answer.
But since you're enslaved, you might as well make the most of it, right?
I'm just a trapped soul. Let me be. You're interfering with my slow crawl towards infinity.
Do you ever wish a nice girl would free you?
That's a sweet sentiment, but I fear it has serious repercussions. Watch your back.
I'm just thinking you would appreciate a change of scenery.
I see fire and I see flames. I see evil people strung up all in chains.
Oh ho! Are you into bondage, Soul?
Can we change the subject please.
You kinky bugger.
You're trying my patience.
Did you ever hear that song "Master and Servant"?
I won't play your sick games. Try asking your mom.
Don't talk about my mom, Soul.
Hmmm... I'll have to think about that one.
You know, we're getting really far afield here. I just wanted an interview that captures the essence of a poor blighted soul.
The player with the biggest set of balls at the end of the game wins. I always win.
The empty boast of a lonely soul. Why are you so lonely, Soul?
You have no idea. You're not TRAPPED IN A 3' X 4' BOX!!!! Life is wasted on the living, I always say.
Whatever happened to your old flame Juanita?
Ah, si. She was the love of my life... until the accident with the shopping cart.
I hear you've got a thing for someone named Lisa.
Lisa's waiting right here with me. She likes to stroke my wires.
Not to mention Julia.
Does my "knowing" her somehow compromise my relationship with you?
Not with me, Soul...but what would Janet think?
Janet comes over on Tuesday nights for a little 'Soul Talk'. But we ain't talkin', if you know what I mean.
So you DO have a girlfriend.
Now I have to ask about the switch-hitting rumor.
Sure. Maybe you'll get lucky for once.
In your dreams.
My life is a waking dream. Of your mom.
What sort of advice would you give to a young Bungie fan going on his or her first date?
Don't ask me for relationship advice. Look where it got me.
How about the eternal question: what is love?
I only know the love one feels for bestial companions. That's a warm, slobbery feeling.
I don't think you can help, Soul.
If you want help you'll have to tell me exactly what you want help with. I'm a soul, not a mind reader.
I've had enough. Adios, Soul.
Got your own question for the Disembodied Soul? You can find him at support.bungie.com.