I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member!
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
A very wizened man once uttered those words. I can almost hear them echoing in my ear, even now, as if he were still here with me today. And they may as well have been spoken about our opponents for this week’s Humpday Challenge.
Comprised of players from all walks of life, HaloGAF is a certified industry institution – one where you’d expect to find the members ensconced in the warm, restraining embrace of a straitjacket, their unbridled Bungie enthusiasm leaking from their slackened jaws like honey oozing from a hive.
And yesterday morning – as one of their longstanding figureheads astutely noted – I hauled off and plunged my foot cankle deep into their business, issuing our official challenge a mere 12 hours before kickoff to send them into a chaotic frenzy.
“ORGANIZE OR DIE!”
In the end my own wizened words, much like those of the aforementioned Old Ben, would prove to be prophetic.
For this week’s Challenge we relied on the four members of Team Onyx to organize our fighting force. For a while, it seemed they wouldn’t pull it together and that Brian or I would have to jump in to provide poor substitutes for competitive seventh and eighth players. Fortunately for our team, we didn’t have to saddle up. Instead, Andrew Harrison swooped in and scooped up four additional players to help pad out the roster. (More on Andrew’s dirty swooping in just a moment).
1. Andrew Harrison
2. Paul Lewellen
3. Jon Cable
5. Ben Wommack
6. Jon Weisnewski
7. David Gasca
HaloGAF put together a massive roster of potentials, subdividing their ranks in haphazard fashion. The only clear organizational best practices they put to good use were those that already governed their established social cliques. Here’s how they ultimately broke it down:
Team Oonsk :3
It wouldn’t be completely accurate to label this squad NeedlerGAF, but with Dax on the team our guys knew that they’d be more than proficient wielding Halo: Reach’s more skill-based blamite weaponry.
Team Something Something Jesus Something
- Total Sacrifice
- Sai Kun
- Shake Appeal
- teh Letters
- Slightly Live
Formed out of the husk of our own TJ Scoot’s once mighty brotherhood of battle bros, Team 2 was beyond stacked. HaloGAF could have broken this team in twine and each half could have easily shifted the tide to their favor in either of the other two games. Alas
Team Bad News Bladed
- TJ Ram
- TJ NutterB
- TJ Trasher
- TJ Capt Blood
HaloGAF’s third squad seemed to have a little bit of trouble getting grouped together from the get-go. Chalk it up to late notice. Still, the talent pool at GAF is deep and we weren’t going to underestimate any one of their three teams.
- Hipster youth
- Josef Redbeard
Rosters rendered, let’s review the Humpday Carnage.
Game 1 – Elite Slayer on Paradiso
Grief from Above
There’s really only one thing you need to know about the first match of the night. Andrew SF Harrison mounted his faithful purple people eating steed and rode hard, snagging himself the first ever Humpday Perfection. He flew like a bird, and as the kids at GAF say, “pooped on” the competition like a bloated, low flying albatross.
“Cable surprised everyone with his choice of Elite Slayer (including us!), but with Harrison's skilled Banshee play going big and our determined Dinos on the ground staying positive, we carried the game in style. Wort Wort Wort!”
“Give Harrison the Banshee=automatic win apparently. He ended up going 22-0. For the rest of us pedestrians on solid ground the game was a little closer. Though we had a pretty good lead throughout the game, so our (my) lack of coordination didn't hurt us much.”
“We forgot to set the time limit on the game to 15 minutes, so we didn't actually make it all the way to 100 kills, but the final score was 67-52 and we were keeping a decent lead the entire time. Blue team harassed us from the high ground for much of the game, but couldn't really dominate because of Harrison's expert Banshee tactics. He literally got into a Banshee at the beginning of the match and never left the skies.”
“I think Cable was nervous when I got into the Wraith at the game start. During the warm up game I was on a Running Riot in the Wraith, but at the high(larious) cost of multiple betrayals against my team. I think I accidentally betrayed Cable three consecutive times that game. On the last one I heard "Really Jon? Really?" over the headset. Best part was I had no idea.
Luckily I was a bit more careful during Humpday and finished the match sans bro kill. Harrison in the Banshee was definitely the factor that granted us a comfortable lead and allowed for more reckless behavior.”
“Banshees! Fast and low!
You can tell from the film that I am playing ultra conservative. As long as we had air superiority, they didn't stand a chance. Only a couple times did I feel pressured. Getting shot at by needles feels like being tickled. The Plasma Launcher / Rifle were definitely causes for concern, but rarely made an appearance. I stuck on our side, took out all their vehicles, avoided boarding / Plasma Pistol takedown attempts and called it a Perfection.
P.S. Don't tell me there were no anti-vehicle weapons. It's called the Banshee. They went through three perfectly good ones en route to defeat...”
Final Score: Bungie Wins 67 – 52.
Game 2 - ???
DETECTING ULTRA HIGH LEVELS OF DPM. SERVER UPLOAD FAILURE.
Our online team is currently investigating why I can’t locate any evidence of the night’s second match. As soon as they provide me with some hard data, I’ll be sure to update this article with inline images and relevant statistics. In the meantime, we do have some fuzzy team recollections to offer to help set the stage for Game 2’s shenanigans.
“Not again. Well another match on Boardwalk, another loss.”
“Well, it started off close, but once we let our focus slip they took the lead and won it. Definitely not my best performance of the night, but an interesting time nonetheless. I do wish I'd remembered to save that film for a screenshot of my opening snipe.”
“I hate playing without radar, and therefore I hate Slayer Pro, but that doesn't excuse the ass-kicking their team gave us on Boardwalk. It was a slaughter, with every single one of us sporting a negative K/D by the end. I was constantly getting out DMRed and flanked; could barely kill anyone even with a group of teammates.
What's interesting is the group didn't even know they would be choosing the map and gametype before we all got in the party, but still managed to select our Achilles Heel to play. I can't decide if the group was a collection of ringers or if we all just sucked it up bad because of Slayer Pro and Boardwalk, or both.”
“I'm pretty sure my grenades were shot out of the air and exploded in my face multiple times during this game. Everyone on our team went negative. Now I know what Vietnam was like.”
“I felt like I was playing with two left thumbs. Not on my best or anywhere close. All I can say about the second game is... At least I got some assists.” :(
“Seconded. 2 hits of 6 shots with a Sniper Rifle was not my finest hour. I should have given it to an adult.” ;)
Final Score: UNKNOWN
Game 3 – Invasion Slayer on Hemorrhage
Communications disruption can only mean one thing…Invasion.
Prior to the night’s challenge, GhaleonEB wished his HaloGAF compatriots luck and bestowed upon them the title, “Spartans.” And though ultimately his premonition of a Bungie victory was completely correct, it was our squad who would descend onto the tie-breaking battleground clad in Spartan’s armor. Lewellen put on a show with the Sniper Rifle on the way to a +19 performance and Andrew Harrison played selflessly, snagging a rare Broseidon for his generosity.
“When all else fails we play Invasion Slayer! We never got a Tank but still managed to win this thanks to well-timed Sniper and Spartan Laser drops to take out the Dino's Wraiths and Banshees.
P.S. Next time we should figure out our team and games before the day of.”
Can it be Sniper Timez, plz?
“Having never played Invasion Slayer on Hemorrhage before, I was surprised at how the teams essentially had to trade off drop zones since without any Mongeese there's no way to get to the other side of the map and steal one. The tier one play was pretty painful, with each side essentially holing up around the blue base cave or teleporter exit since those were the only areas with cover. Once the levels started progressing, we saw a lot of Banshees and a couple Wraiths start bearing down on our side of the map, but thankfully there always seemed to be a laser or rocket at the ready. Aside from controlling their vehicles though, it was the sniping and excellent DMRing from our top four which garnered all the kills.
I also learned how the Grenade Launcher loadout sucks on Hemorrhage. :P”
“We went with last week's strategy of Invasion Slayer as the Spartan team, which ended up being a good move for us. Personally my game was a bit shoddy, but Huevos more than made up for our bottom half with Sniper control. For a while I was getting pretty nervous because it seemed like all the reinforcement drops were spawning on their side of the map. They were pumping out Wraiths and Banshees, which we were fortunately able to keep under control with a few Spartan Laser/Sniper/Rocket drops.”
Battle Bros to the End
“Happy days were here for myself, Tomo, and the rest of our riflemen. The Gaffers came back to take the lead at the beginning of Tier 3 while I was searching for more bullets, but it was smooth sailing after that. Relying on coordinated fire and power weapons to take out enemy vehicles worked out much better than I'd expected, but their wraiths still gave us some trouble. Fortunately, d1rtydr3w was there to seal the win again, this time with a clutch Broseidon.”
Shootin' and Lootin'
Bungie Wins 86 – 66.
Though the opening remarks were of the disparaging variety, we should note that it’s really all fun and games for us. Our guys had a blast. Had we given GAF more time to organize and prepare, we would be writing a very different story today. The last time we challenged GAF, they crushed us at our own game three to nothing.
Watch Your Step!
But not this time! Thanks for playing some games with us GAF. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you.
Lewellen gets the last word:
“That was one of our more disorganized Humpdays - we didn't even have a team selected until late afternoon, and we only had the full team together in time for two warm-up games before the first match. We also didn't decide on any maps or gametypes we wanted to play in advance, so we ended up picking them on the fly and learning them as we played. Luckily, everyone stepped up when it counted, and we got the job done.
It was a good time all around - those HaloGAF guys are always a classy bunch, win or lose.”
Next week, we’re sending out some of the old vanguard to take on 2old2play. Get out your Depends, veterans, we plan on forcing you to stay up way past your bedtime!
Note: Yup, we broke the trend of posting our victories as top news articles. Big DLC news today warranted a more subtle approach.