The Halo Humpday Challenge
Every Wednesday, we challenge a group of fans, media or hot babes to a three game Halo 2 tournament. They choose the maps and the rules, and we take them on. We'll display the results and await your challenges. This week, it was Halo.Bungie.Org
Halo.Bungie.Org. If there is a more venerable Bungie fan site, we don't know what it is. Run by a community of rabid, dedicated Bungie and Halo fans, under the leadership of wizened nonagenarian Louis Wu, known affectionately as the great-grandfather of Bungie community sites. Louis, when not driving to Canada in his Buick Skylark to buy prescription drugs at discount prices, or drinking the blood of virgins to maintain his unholy state of desiccated immortality, runs an excellent website. And he also runs his mouth. Which is why we challenged Louis and his crew to participate in the Bungie Humpday Challenge. Every Wednesday, we will take on a new contender. This is what went down last night.
The HBO Players
- Louis Wu – Webmaster and founder of Halo.Bungie.Org. Member of Spanish Inquisition. Inventor of mead.
- KP – Longtime HBO regular and friend of Louis Wu. Young, capable and full of beans. Beans and rage.
- Frogblast – One of the early innovators in Halo – specialized in getting out of or above levels using Warthog jumps and other legitimate poltroonery.
- Boll – Mysterious European, possibly a spy with former KGB connections, and Flash animation genius.
The Bungie Playaz
- Ske7ch – AKA Brian Jarrard. Husband of Mrs. Ske7ch. Community manager and well rounded renaissance man.
- Shishka – Former fan, current contractor and close-range specialist. If he doesn't get teeth and hair on him, he considers it a failure.
- Bentllama – AKA Nathan T. Animator. It is possible that Nathan can use individual frames of animation as cues to stab you.
- Frankie – AKA Frankie. Frankie is a liar and a cheat. He will lie loudly to make you think he is in the cave. He is NOT.
Beaver Creek, Shotguns, No Shields
Touch flag return off
So this was the first, longest and perhaps most challenging game of the day. Not to foreshadow anything. Beaver Creek was the setting, which you'll recognize because a river runs through it. Soon to be a river of blood. Shotguns and no shields means that most blasts from mid to close distance are instant kills. Grenades will kill instantly too. Everything went according to Bungie plan at first. We basically captured four flags uncontested until the HBO guys started to get smart. We forced them literally into a defensive corner.
Since they chose the rules, we ended up in a kind of weird stalemate. Instead of going on the offense so that our captured flag could be recovered, they simply defended it to their last man. We'd send a team to go get it (all the while holding theirs) and kill 'em all, but the fifteen second flag return time (touch flag was turned off) meant that they'd respawn, contest and pick up the flag before it reset. Eventually, the futility of it all became apparent to all, and Louis, realizing that at his delicate age, every hour of life was precious, agreed to submit. Our victory was assured. But the near-hour of practice against us helped the HBO guys tremendously. They got better. Kind of.
Final score: Four flags to one. Bungie wins.
GAME 2: Team Slayer, Rockets
Midship, Rockets, Grenades
Game Duration: 4:46
Best Guy: Frankie
This game was kind of a rout. The HBO guys have no real excuse either, since rockets on Halo 2 isn't that different from rockets on the original game. Which they've played a lot more than WE have. We dominated from the start and never let up. Louis committed three of his teams suicides, prompting us to ask ourselves if he'd simply had enough. But curiously, he led his team with 9 kills. KP phoned it in with a lousy single kill. Think about that. Midship, rockets. All you have to do is press fire and people blow up. How did he only manage one kill?
Frankie mysteriously led the Bungie scoring, which is odd, because rockets are not his forte. Actually, nobody really knows WHAT his forte is. Dying notwithstanding. The medal count tells the story. Bungie had 13 medals and HBO had one.
If our description of this match sounds cruel, you should have heard us smack-talking last night. Considering the HBO guys are our friends, our manners and behavior were atrocious. Inexcusable. We made a pact afterwards to always be jerks. ALWAYS!
Final Score: 55 to 24 kills. Bungie wins.
GAME 3: Oddball Fiesta
Ascension, Fiesta, 3 minute ball timer
Game Duration: 6:09
Carneyholes used: 1
Now, we're the first to admit that we kinda sorta cheated in this map, using a perfectly public exploit that we unfairly term a Carneyhole. It's basically a ledge upon which the ball holder may stand and avoid (most) fire from the rest of the map. Now, the ball indicator clearly shows WHERE the ball and holder are hiding, but it confused the elderly contingent of HBO monkeys. They were standing within mere feet of us (we all huddled around the ball holder) and proximity voice allowed us to hear their plaintive wailing. "Where are they? They're jerks! Did they fall off the map?"
When we heard them chatting, we would pop up over the ledge, whack 'em with the energy sword and huddle around our ball guy again. We got more than a minute uncontested pulling that crap, until one of them noticed us standing there and took action.
The poor HBO guys held the ball for precisely 64 seconds. You'd think it was hot and smelled of limburger the way they kept dropping it.
Final Score: 3 minutes Vs. 64 seconds Bungie wins
Smack Talk Apologia: The reason we talk such smack is basically to get future competitors riled up. We fully expect to be murderized any day now. We'll look forward to your challenges for future Halo Humpdays.
PS: Louis isn't that old.