“You can't just beat the other guy. You have to leave a lasting impression in their minds so they never want to see you again.” – Abraham Lincoln
Every solar rotation at Bungie is punctuated by a celebration of games – a cloying buffet of orgiastic indulgence so deliriously excessive that even we can only stomach a single dose per calendar year. This year’s games are nearly upon us and we have more reason to celebrate than ever before.
A monumental change marked the beginning of our New Year. Great news and a resounding resolution. Friends, there is great cause for celebration. More on this front Friday (but don't freak out, it's not a reveal).
If you fancy yourself a glutton for punishment, we invite you to witness our Pentathlon games from the comfort of your own home. To celebrate with us in your own way, provided your revelry doesn't involve excessive lubrication. Here, our webcams will be rolling, Bungie.net will be keeping track of the day's events as they unfold, and we might even have a prize or two to hand out on our various, haphazardly managed social networking channels.
But be warned! Though this is celebration of games, it is not merely a light and humorous affair. The day begins as it must, with the ceremonial ridicule of those depressing fixtures among us who still cling to their desks for tenure. We will put cold steel to their tender necks and demand they publicly proclaim what we all already know, that their very souls have been given over to Bungie, rung dry of precious ether, and that everything that was good within them has now been wholly liquidated and summarily consumed by our ravenous collective.
This year, old and a new will join together to mock one particularly ancient relic – a decade and a half old monument that now stands erect only in defiance, both as a gaunt and weary display of willpower, and as a terrible and desperate warning.
The ceremony is an exhaustive affair, and its conclusion will be marked by the beginning of the games and later consummated by the invocation of the Deep Dish Sacrament. Though we now reside in the Majestic Pacific Northwest, our gnarled roots still coarse deep through an ancient bed of cold Chicago asphalt and we still gain succor from the indelicate interplay of dense, gut busting foodstuffs native to the Midwestern Expanse. Then, raw carrots and snap peas will be distributed amongst the weak and the Bungie Winter Pentathlon will conclude, with only one team standing tall atop the mountain, fists collectively raised in glorious, hard-earned victory.
(And yes, dear Deborah Harrison, there will be beer.)
But enough about us…let’s talk about us!
Drawn and quartered according to tenure, each Pentathlon team is led into battle by an honorable Captain. And this year, we’ve also embedded one field reporter into each school to bring you biased news and photography straight from the blood soaked trenches. Best believe you haven’t seen table top gaming until you’ve viewed it through our honest and inspired lens!
Like a dark, creeping thing in the night, Bungie is always hungry for warm and succulent flesh. Without frequent infusions of fresh and able-bodied stock, the Grizzled Ancients would once again assume corporeal form and be forced to face their own horrifying mortality.
Hopelessly wedged betwixt the living and the damned, these battle scarred men and women still desperately cling to the tattered tapestry of their youth, their grip held fast by the resignation that each new day draws them ever closer to the cold descent into old age, delirium, and need of fiber supplements.
What can you say about Old Skool that can’t plainly be ascertained from their ill-advised phonetic substitution? Even my mom thinks they’re trying too hard and just last month she called to tell me that she had just “re-orged” her basement. 2 Kewl!
It’s difficult for me to describe the upper, older echelon of Bungie without betraying my true feelings. I am blinded by their golden light, intoxicated by the rosewater scent that marks their arrival and departure as a lover’s perfumed whisper, and enchanted by the sing-song melody that sweeps into my ears and soothes all of my troubles when they are near.
(Adult diapers, brittle, but copious body hair, and the medicinal stench of menthol.)
As you would rightly expect, the Bungie Pentathlon features a mathematically precise Seven official games.
No Limit Texas Hold ‘Em
There is No Limit to our Texas Hold ‘Em. But there is
a time limit. Attempt to reconcile these sobering facts while we swiftly move on to the next game on the list!
Now, this might sound tremendously nerdy, and it is, but it also features a “physical decryption device” and the potential for enthusiastic cosplay (which I have just now been informed are also both tremendously nerdy).
One lone whiteboard is liberated and washed clean of the daily pictorial filth in order to be subjected to a special day of pictorial filth worth points in the Bungie Pentathlon games!
Big Team Corn Hole
The temptation to drop trou and plop out a foul euphemism on this front is nearly insurmountable, but the honest truth is that there’s nothing deviant about a good game of Corn Hole. Or is there
And yeah, I know Corn Hole is one word, but nobody wants to play Big Team -blam!-.
Rock Band 3
Pomp, circumstance, and if things go very, very wrong (or right, depending on your outlook): Marty in a wig and fishnet stockings.
There will be another time…and that time is now!*
*Friday, from 12:00pm PT to 3:15pm PT.
Gaming isn’t only about the blockbuster offerings like Halo: Reach and Pictionary. Often we elect to celebrate some of the industries lesser known, fledgling titles developed by up and coming studios.
So there you have it - the gory guts of our annual celebration, and the details of our competition laid out on the table for you to fondle and squish to your heart’s delight. This Friday there will
be punch, cake, and glory. And we will partake of it all until every last one of us has had our fill.
NON FACETE NOBIS CALCITRARE VESTRVM PERINAEVM