Get Into Bungie's Pants
Monday, February 3rd, 2003, 7:48 PM
Never before has getting into somebody's pants been so rewarding. To kick off February 2003 with a bang, we're holding what is perhaps the simplest contest we've ever held. But at the same time, it's deep. Deep as in pockets. Pockets as in pants. That's right: we want you to guess what's in our pants, and we're willing to pay you in fresh Bungie Swag if you get it right.
If you've read this far you're probably wondering what the hell has gotten into us. Perhaps you are wondering if a certain Bungie employee is still recovering from a particularly hearty Warthog Day celebration. I assure you that, like everything else in the Bungie Universe, there is a rational explanation.
For whatever reason, I (Matt Soell, Bungie Community Guy) act as a magnet for unusual things. In fact, when I'm not hitting my usual quota of weirdness, I seek it out - but most of the time I find that the world is all too willing to provide me with wacky stuff, and most of it follows me to the office at some point. Long-time Bungie fans are familiar with Ling-Ling the Severed Dog's Head and Soffish - two obscure items that made their way onto my desk and eventually into Bungie iconography. Will the pants find a similarly enthusiastic reception? Probably not, if reaction around the office is anything to go by. My coworkers seem to tolerate my pants in the office, but I sometimes feel that they wouldn't mind if I just left the pants at home.
These Aren't Your Father's Pants.
The pants were given to me by my brother, who thought they were the single greatest gift ever given or received in the history of human generosity. I tend to agree with him now, though I must confess I felt a bit flummoxed at the time.
The first thing you notice about the pants is their size. They are not normal-sized pants, unless you happen to be a leprechaun. Specifically, the pants are 6 inches tall, 4.75 inches wide and 3.75 inches deep (at their widest and deepest points, respectively). I cannot wear these pants. No one can wear these pants. Not even small children. In addition to their small size, the pants are handicapped by two other unusual design decisions.
The pants-makers opted to forego the typical pants material (denim, cotton, or indeed any sort of textile) in favor of a hard, glasslike, ceramic substance. The pants are frozen in position, completely static. The pants would sustain catastrophic damage if one attempted to move them in the way one normally moves pants.
The pants also have an extremely unorthodox aperture system. Most pants are wide-open at the top (the waistband area) and feature two holes at the bottom, one at the end of each pant leg. These pants feature only a thin slot at the waistband, which is otherwise covered by a flat layer of the same ceramic material that makes up the rest of the pants. Additionally, there is only one hole shared by both pant legs, and this has been crudely covered by a piece of duct tape.
These Pants are Packed.
I brought the pants into the office shortly after I received them and set them on a shelf where they could be seen and admired by the entire Bungie Online Team (and indeed anyone in our vicinity). I proposed a novel use for the pants: everyone would put their small change inside. When the pants were completely full - that is to say, when no more money could be stuffed into the slot at the top of the pants - we would pull off the piece of duct tape at the bottom, count up our savings and spend it on a bitchin' lunch party for the Online Team. The team agreed and we began the slow process of collecting a vast sum of pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters.
What You Know So Far.
Let's review what we know about the pants thus far before we get to the meat of the contest. The pants are a gift. The pants are mine, but I leave them on a shelf in the office so everyone can admire them. The pants are too small to be worn by any of us at Bungie. The pants are made of a delicate, fragile material; one must be careful never to drop the pants for fear of making a visible crack. The pants have holes in them, but these do not prevent the pants from being lovingly stuffed. In fact, multiple Bungie employees helped to fill these pants, and each day the pants grow heavier with the payload they contain. We anxiously await the day when the contents of the pants spill out across our desks and provide us with a sumptuous lunch - a meal far preferable to the crap we get in the Microsoft Cafeteria.
Here's Where You Come In.
The pants are almost full, and it's safe to say they will have reached their breaking point by Friday, February 28, 2003. That is also the deadline for the Get Into Bungie's Pants Contest. Here's what you do:
1. Study the picture of the pants at the top of this article.
2. Guess how much money (in US dollars and cents) is in the pants.
3. Type up that guess and email it to email@example.com. ONE ENTRY PER CONTESTANT. If you try to be a wise guy and send us an entry listing every possible dollar/cent combination under $1000, you'll be disqualified.
At the end of the month we will open the pants, count up the money inside and award our prize package to the person whose guess is the closest to the actual amount. In the event of a tie, the contestants who submitted the tying guesses will each win a prize package.
Show Us Your Package, Bungie.
Glad you asked. The winning contestant will receive the following items:
1 Halo Elite t-shirt
1 Halo 'Grunty Thirst' mug
1 Halo hooded sweatshirt (soon to be available in the Bungie Store but currently unseen outside this office)
Not a bad take for thinking up a dollar figure and putting it in an email.
Getting into Bungie's pants is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it - and now it's easier than ever before. Go on, guess what's in our pants and email it to us. Even if you don't have the right answer, at least you can tell your friends you tried.