Skip Weasel's Guide to Love
Friday, February 14th, 2003, 5:32 PM
[Editor's Note: We felt it was important to preserve the general structure and impact of Mr. Weasel's original text. However, we did edit out the more egregious spelling and grammar errors, and inserted carriage returns when we could so it was no longer one immense paragraph.]
Wassup?!?!?!?!? This is Skip Weasel, superstar Bungie Intern, and as of this moment author of the single most incredibly awesome and important Bungie.net article ever!!!!! Personally in all my fifteen long years, I never thought I would see the day when Bungie actually let me write a whole article on the website!!! I mean, I knew I could do it cuz I have tons, literally tons of things to say. I can just sit down here and be all, typity-type-type all afternoon and come out with like a zillion-pages of just sheer full-on force of my mentality, you know what I'm saying? I'm dropping science like career criminals drop soap in the shower. But you know the higher-ups at Bungie weren't big on the idea of me getting online and speaking some truth (or as some of you ultra-core Bungie fans like to say, trut4). I guess they didn't know if I had the style or the witticisms to hang with the "big dawgz" who normally write articles here. Which is like so totally wrong it's not funny. I can't even joke about that, yo. But I just told them what my mom always told me: "Skippenworth, if you start applying yourself you can do anything in life." Which is totally true if you think about it. One time this guy in my class told me he was a better drawer than I am and I was just like, dude, no way. And he was all like, yah-huh. So I started to draw a picture of this guy who's all dead and rotted and you can see a lot of his bones. And this guy was just like, whoa! And I was like, yeah, who's your daddy? And he's like, no, who's your daddy? Which of course he's only saying because he knows my mom can't remember my dad's name or what he looked like or anything about him, which I always thought was sort of a tragedy but everyone else thinks is some kind of joke. So I got in a fight with this buttwad and of course I ended up with the broken rib and a three-day suspension, which totally sucked because it was an in-school suspension and I had to go to school to just sit around. And I'm all thinking, like, why do I have to go to school if I'm suspended FROM school? And of course no one wants to answer me because adults think when you're young you don't have any insight or brains, so when a guy like me comes along they don't know how to handle me because I ask tough questions. I keep it real at all times because real life is real too, you know? But I said that to the principal's secretary and she just looked at me like I was an idiot!!!!! And even when I told the Bungie guys about that whole time, they just pointed and laughed and they were all like "Ha ha, you're named Skippenworth?!?!?!" And I'm all like, "That's real mature guys, you know maybe there will come a day when the powers that be are looking for a guy who is a little more mature than you and you will find that the tables are turned and you're working for me, so maybe you should be a little more polite because you never know, I might be your boss someday." Well let me just say that some of these Bungie guys make tight games but they have a bad attitude about people sometimes, especially when you're talking about people like me who are obviously going places in life. I may just be an intern now but in a couple years I'm gonna be running this joint. Last year when that Alex guy left I was asking him, like, hey, is there a guy to replace you? And first he says no, right? So I decide to take advantage of my opportunities because they don't always knock when you're at home, like the saying goes. So I'm like, well if there isn't anyone to take your job then would it be okay if I took over, cuz I think I can do it pretty good. I'm always in the top ten in my school when we sell candy to pay for the football uniforms, and I figure the software business can't be that much different because it's the sort of thing that kids like, just like candy. Even kids like me who are a little more advanced than the others like videogames, because games are just coo like that. But then he says, oh, you have to be 18 to run Bungie, which was so obviously something he just made up on the spot. So I'm like, dude, you put the PARENT in TRANSPARENT, and I'm giving him this look so he knows I mean business. I saw Zack do it in a Rage Against The Machine video once, it was tight yo. He was so scared he left the building!!!!! Plus he was going out to get dinner with some of the other Bungie guys. I don't get to go along for stuff like that because M$ doesn't pay for interns to eat. Which is so totally unfair, but if you're smart like me you look at all the interns and realize that once again this is a case of the old discriminating against the young. Anyway, after I saw that interview with the Soul last night I was all like "Yo, this ain't right, the soul gets to talk but Skip Weasel gets nothing" and I was gonna sue. You might think that's overreacting, suing Bungie when I'm just an intern and all, but I know my rights and I know that Soul interview was all false advertising in the first place, because he didn't say a damn thing about love. Not real love, you know? Personally I have been in love several times and I know way more about getting a girl's digits than any soul who's stuck in a server and can't even dial a phone, you know what I'm saying? That fool can't even dial 911. So I'm all "Let me write an article, yo" and first they said my mom should write the article but after a while they saw the light and told me I could school y'all with my love technique secrets. Although someone had to make some "pegboy" comment. Again, real mature guys.
So anyway, let's talk about love. Love, for those of you who may not know, is a burning emotion you feel for someone you really like. Sometimes it can make you sweat and sometimes it can make you feel cold, like an ice cream headache but all over your body. Love is painful too. A lot of people in the younger generation don't understand that, but as a man whose heart has been broken many times I can say that love is not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes you only eat half the nachos but get all the gas, while you watch the love of your life walk up to some other guy and start sharing your nachos with him. And she knows nachos are your favorite. Where's the fairness in that?
Women are different than men and they have different ideas of love. Women like caring and feelings and stuff like that, whereas men like the thrill of making out and sharing nachos with a hottie in the cafeteria while all your friends look on jealously wishing she would share nachos with them. So when approaching a girl for the first time, you have to think in her mindset and try to imagine what her idea of love is like, and then basically fake it. Sometimes you have to put your own desires on the backburner in order for true love to take root. Sometimes you can have something really important to say, like how you got home last night and your mom was in the kitchen with the entire Bungie Test crew and everyone had beers except me and you just wanted to be cool and hang with your friends from work but your mom says "You're too young to drink, Skippenworth, now go to your room" and you're like "Come on, Mom" and the test guys all say "Come on, Mom" in this really high voice to make fun of you and they all start laughing and you just want to run away but you can't because your bus pass is expired and you can't steal your mom's station wagon because you don't know how to drive stick, and your mom refuses to teach you even though all the guys at the office say my mom knows all about driving stick, but they always laugh when they say that so maybe it's some kind of joke and you feel kind of bad because you didn't get it. Anyway, sometimes you want to tell these things to a girl but you have to sit there and listen while she jabbers away about whatever stupid crap is going on in her life. That's when you know you're in love. Personally I like to have a plate of nachos around when that happens because if I can't talk I might as well use my mouth to eat nachos. Nachos are really a love food when you think about it. 95% of all dates are at movie theaters, and there's nothing like having a girl you love tray of nachos and some cheese to dip it in when you're sitting in a dark movie theater watching Vin Diesel kick ass. I went and saw that Vin Diesel movie with like six different girls and they were all like "Oooh, Vin Diesel," and I'm all, "Yo, baby, you know what sort of rhymes with Vin Diesel? SKIP WEASEL," and that usually gets me pretty far. But if you're not named Skip Weasel you can rule that one out, so you'll need something else. But it's not just my name the ladies go for. They also go for my brains, which is why my rap name is LL Hot Weasel, which is short for Ladies Love Hot Weasel. I played at a friend's party one time and I rocked the house yo. Even though I was kind of singing along with a Snoop Dogg record that already had vocals on it, and I was sort of in a corner of the yard next to the grill where there weren't too many people around, but I was kickin' it on the mic, except it was a carrot cause they didn't have a mic, and this girl starts pointing at me to her friends and they all start smiling and laughing and I'm all like "Hey ladies!" Because I realized then that a girl loves one thing most about a guy and that's his mind. If I didn't memorize all those lyrics off that Snoop Dogg tape she might have never noticed me, but when she saw me remembering every word and rapping it into the carrot she saw the depths of my brain power. In conclusion, I would like to add that girls don't have to think about this kind of stuff if they are in love with a guy because they can just bring him some nachos. Putting on lots of extra cheese is like saying "Hey big boy" but silently. Except for the crunching sounds. I almost forgot to mention that nachos should always be crunchy, not soggy. That will totally turn a guy off. So will olives, so don't put any of those on nachos either. The true nacho experience is pure nachos and melted cheese. Like love, this is difficult to obtain, especially at the movie theater by my mom's house where the nachos have been sitting in the cheese since like four o'clock yesterday. Those aren't real nachos and I don't think I could find true love eating them. Word to the wise.
Now some of you are probably wondering how I'm going to tie this all in with Bungie, because I haven't said too much about them except to mention how immature they can be sometimes. Well even they will be able to use this article to score hot chicks because it is based on my brain power. We all know that girls like smart guys. Everyone knows that smart guys play videogames because there is a lot of money in technology and if you play enough games you might be able to get a job as a game tester or game inventor dude. You have to be pretty smart just to be an intern like me. So anyway, I figure now that Halo is selling really well and everyone knows about it, using lines from Halo is a great way to advertise how smart you are and how much you know about the culture of today. No one wants a guy who knows about stupid old movies or books. Chicks today want something fresh and new. So I played through Halo and every time I came across a good line I wrote it down. Then I did my masterstroke: I converted them into "pick-up lines," the clever phrases smart guys use when they want to introduce themselves to a woman and show they're smart without actually saying they're smart yo. Anyway when you say these lines to a girl you have to be smooth, but not so smooth that the girl thinks you are too smooth for her. So think about how James Bond would say it, and then try to say it that way, but always keep it real.
Top Seven Halo Pick-Up Lines
1. Yank me, sweet cheeks.
2. Sort yourself for a hard transfer - of love!
3. Get that ass back up to second squad's position.
4. How'd you like to unify my Index with your Core?
5. Your satisfaction is the will of the gods, and this is their instrument. (NOTE: If you want to point or "show off" if you know what I mean, this is the one to do. Sexy!)
6. Why would you hesitate to do what you have already done, hot stuff?
7. I've got a wildcat destabilization in my pants, baby.
PS: When I first ran gave this article to the Bungie guys, they were all like "What the hell, Skip?!?!?!?!" And I'm like "Dude, you better recognize." And they were all like "No way" and they made me go down to the Microsoft Cafeteria on the first floor and told me not to come back until I'd actually tried these lines on the women down there. Which was a cheap shot because they know none of those women are legally allowed to touch me because I'm underage. Anyway, I saw this one chick who looked pretty young, so I went up to her and busted out Line #5, which I like to call the Sure Shot. She got all bent out of shape and had someone kick me out of the Cafeteria, and I almost lost my internship. Yeroen said that's because the chick I hit on was actually Ed Fries, but I think he was just making that up. But I do have to say that there's a right place and a wrong place to bust out your lovin' moves, and you must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold Medina and all that. Peace out yo.