What About Bob?
Bungie would like to wish a warm welcome to Bob Glessner, our newest, youngest victim. Bob is twelve or thirteen years old, as far as we can tell, and to save on overhead, we pay him in hard candy. His bonuses are paid in soft candy, up to and including yellow Starburst.Worse still, he has to work for Mat Noguchi, officially "The Orneriest Coot in Washington."
Bob. Nobody has ever been allowed to work with Noguchi, and until we moved to Kirkland, with its lax animal regulations, it would not have been possible at all. So with that in mind, please tell us a little about yourself:
At 22, I am the youngest member of the Bungie team. I spent the first 21 years of my life traveling from town to town along the east coast in search of a good public school (it didn't happen). In July, I graduated from DigiPen Institute of Technology with the best job (suck it valedictorian). These days, I spend most of my day working with the Halo tools: Sapien and Guerilla (AKA Gorilla and Guerrilla), and the rest of the day is spent reminding my coworkers that they are old. While I haven't been playing on Xbox Live for long, I'm level 13 in Rumble Pit and level 11 in Team Skirmish, winning a whopping 20% of my matches. Unfortunately, I have yet to finish anything but dead last in Team Snipers…
Now for a quick Q&A with Bob:
What do you do for Mat Noguchi?
What don't I do for Mat? First of all, I put up with him. And if that isn't a full time job, I also fix things he broke and do things that he's too angry to do. Unfortunately for the rest of us, I provide him with concrete evidence that he is important around here. Oh, and half of his crap is on my desk.
What does Mat Noguchi do for you?
Having just graduated from college, Mat teaches me about proper etiquette in the real world. For instance, did you know that "
I'm going to throw a brick at your head!
" is the proper way to show respect for other people's opinions? Also, if you need someone else to do something, you should whine about it until they do it. He has also taught me to promote my own accomplishments while downplaying the accomplishments of others. I only hope that one day I will be as modest and caring as he is.
Did you know that "Mat" is short for "
" Since his mom, a huge Madonna fan, renamed him after his dad "
went to work in Alaska.
Wow. I honestly had no idea, but it sure does explain a lot of things… Mainly, it explains all the stuff he has laying around that he never uses. Personally, I always thought "Mat" was short for "Maturity is a crutch for the weak."
Describe a typical day working for the self-professed "King of the Tools."
Surprisingly, working for Mat is a lot like being on the show "24." Not the exciting Jack Bauer parts or even the "Kim Bauer almost gets herself killed again" parts. No, it's more like the "Chloe O'Brien isn't a people person" moments.
Mat yells spastically at computer, then finally throws hands in the air and gets coffee (because that'll help).
Nervous artist asks Mat for help. Mat gives artist 30 steps to fix it in under 30 seconds. Artist asks Mat to repeat them. Mat becomes irritated and responds, "Fine, I'll do it."
Mat yells spastically at artist's computer, and then mopes back to me and says, "Bob, I need you to fix at a bug." He then spouts out a cryptic phrase that he refers to as a "hint."
We eat at Quizno's, where I confuse the staff by ordering an untoasted sub (The last time I ate a toasted sandwich someone claiming to be Dr. Pepper removed my appendix).
Mat asks me if I fixed the bug. I tell him I'm still looking at it. Mat fires me.
I find the problem, and suddenly, that cryptic hint makes sense.
I let Mat know that I fixed it. Mat fires me.
Mat joins the multiplayer playtest. I get some peace and quiet.
A designer snipes Mat in the head. Mat fires the entire design team. The playtest is officially over.
500 female ninjas fall from the ceiling and proceed to mud wrestle in the kitchen.
Admittedly, I left out plenty of complaining and yelling, but I'm trying really hard to suppress those thoughts.
Prior to this, who was your last boss, and how did that compare to this?
The last job I had was as a cashier at Cracker Barrel. My boss was a quiet, encouraging individual, so this is just a tad bit different. Being in the service industry, I never heard my last boss use the phrases "pistol sniping whores" or "I'm going to kill you all." My old boss never turned to me and said, "Don't ever do what I just did." My old boss never cheated in dodge ball at the company picnic. Of course, my old boss never tried playing Ninja Gaiden…
How do you plan to escape?
Yesterday, I made a copy of the floor plans for the new building. Tonight, I'm going to get a full body tattoo of Earth, Wind, and Fire beating up Captain Planet, but it will have the floor plans cleverly hidden within it. Tomorrow, I'm getting the floor plan infused with a stupid looking glow effect. With that finished, I hope to seek out the help of escape expert, Clint Eastwood, and together we will tunnel over to the Family Pancake House. So, not only do I get to escape, but I also get to eat pancakes with Clint Eastwood.
Thanks Bob. Good luck and welcome to the team!