Dave Candland proposed that we take on some of the younger Bungie folk a while ago and their turn finally came up in the rotation this week. Originally, I suggested an age-limit of 10 or under, but in the end we ended up with worthy adversaries, exactly where we didn’t want to be.
Unfortunately, I was detained and unable to make it to the first game. There was an emergency at Bungie with the codez. They needed a man of much skill and expertise to find the problem and fix it. I shoved Noguchi out of the way and fixed the problem he was too stupid to fix in no time flat because I am a genius. Alright... that was a lie. What really happened was I got attacked by cougars on the way home, wrestled them and hours later had fashioned a new jacket, pants and even a nifty hat.
Some Bungie employees volunteered their children for sacrifice.
PurePandemonium- Josh Lopez, son of IT manager Steve Lopez.
Karnivore- Zach Boyce, son of Senior Test Lead Doug Boyce
Vitamin Evil- Adam Candland, son of UI Designer David Candland
Men, brave men, volunteered themselves to be present and risk by far the greatest humiliation of our lives.
evil otto- Chose to fight against his own son. A truly despicable man.
Billy77Bones- Didn’t fight his own son, but I hear he goes to the nearby park every day and throws kids off the jungle gym.
Phlegm Brulee- Has many children in various ports up and down the West Coast.
Jejor- No kids. Lacks required equipment.
KP- No kids... that I’m legally bound to, at least.
Game 1: Team Slayer
Warlock, normal weapons
Game Duration: 7:35
General Tone of Game: Fratricide
Oh man they got so owned. Josh Lopez and Zach Boyce both came within a few points of single-handedly outscoring the Bungie team. Vitamin Evil was the Assist King of Warlock and the MVP of the game, going around setting up the Bungie guys to be taken down by Lopez and Boyce.
The medal counts tell the story. They had a lot of melee kills and assassinations... so the way I see it, Bungie Offspring felt bad after the first forty kills and simply put down their weapons so as to give the Bungie guys a chance. That’s probably when Bungie got all 28 of its kills. However, Bungie Offspring was still able to get the last ten and end the match decisively, almost doubling Bungie’s score.
50 to 28. Bungie Offspring win.
Game 2: Team Oddball
Ivory Tower, normal weapons
Game Duration: 3:35
General Tone of Game: Redemption
Freshly garbed in my new cougar vestments, I arrived to stop the bleeding. They tossed me party lead upon entrance so I chose some good ol’ Team Oddball on Ivory Tower. The game started off really poorly, Bungie Offspring made off with the rockets, overshield and of course the oddball to begin the game.
We regrouped after the massacre that occurred in the first fifteen seconds and ended up flanking the Bungie Offspring team, catching them off-guard and wresting a couple power weapons and of course the oddball from them. I was able to defend the oddball carrier for a good minute or so before they finally got to us and took it for themselves. After that point it became a matter of Bungie losing focus of the objective and not going after the oddball.
After about a minute of being an idiot I refocused on the oddball carrier and took him out. Either Phlegm or otto picked up the ball again and we rounded out the match in convincing fashion.
2:00 to 1:04. Bungie wins.
Game 3: Team Slayer
Lockout, normal weapons
Game Duration: 11:52
General Tone of Game: Dammit Bobby
So KP shows up and makes Bungie virtually unstoppable. Then Jejor subs in for Phlegm and... let’s just say he balanced the equation. Bob had zero kills until roughly the 9 minute mark. We could’ve put in the short-bus riding monkey and done better.
Thankfully, evil otto played like a mad man and claimed the lower levels of Lockout for his own. We jumped out to a ten point lead to start the game because otto was going nuts under glass and under grav lift. Eventually Bungie Offspring got the sword, kicked otto out of there and were able to move out. Unfortunately for them, though, I was sitting on top with a Sniper and BR waiting for them. Bob was... I don’t even know. Walking backwards into them saying “Assassinate me?”
The Bungie Offspring mounted a comeback, however, thanks entirely to the heroics of Adam Candland. He had a couple of clutch kills that enabled Boyce and Lopez to regain control of power weapons and defensible positions. They held the BR tower for a while and gained the lead there, growing it to about five kills. At that point, however, we were unable to dislodge them and shift the focus of the match over to the sniper tower where they were assaulting while we defended. Bob even got a few kills. We tied it up there and they even did us the favor of handing me the sword. We regained the lead and then got a few quick kills to end the match.
50 to 46. Bungie wins.
Many thanks to Adam Candland, Josh Lopez and Zach Boyce for taking time away from their busy schedules to play with us. Great games, I look forward to some more matches in the future.