This time in, "Adventures Of," we take you through a day in the life of Mat Noguchi. A special day, the last day before Bungie’s holiday break. A time of joy, cheer and goodwill... for everyone except for the Gooch, that is. He's so full of rage, hatred that this past week's wind storm can be directly attributed to him. Not only did he want to see his fellow employees without power and their vehicles impaled, but he also wanted to see everyone visiting Seattle for the holidays diverted to the soulless, snowless and joyless LAX.
7:07am: Arrive at work a few minutes late as a result of a road rage incident on Redmond Way. A closed window is no obstacle for Mat Noguchi and his magical coffee mug. Contrary to what you might think, the wreath on the front of your SUV actually exacerbates his rage.
8:00am: Continue to pester Alta about the anticipated arrival of our new coffee machine. Or as the Gooch calls it, “the rage-ahol dispenser.” Caffeine fuels the enrageinations.
9:00am: Think of ways to make Bob’s life miserable, once he arrives. Start by raising his desk and lowering his chair to remind him of his role. Decorate his desk with pink tinsel.
10:00am: Bob arrives. Stick to the plan: 45 minute lecture, complete with flow charts and white-board diagrams, proving the theory that chatting to hot chix on the netterwebs while at work can, in no way, foster the development of Halo 3. At this point, break for hot chocolate and to stab the stress ball.
11:00am: Hit “compile all” and take a walk around the office. Make my first visit of the day to the writing pod. Ask what everyone’s holiday plans are while reading their emails over their shoulders. Flip KP’s power strip on and off really quick in order to make his dev kit flip out and start flashing red and green (aka “Christmas-treeing”). ‘Tis the season, after all.
12:00pm: Lunchtime. Proceed next door to the Pancake House with other programmers for foods. When the waiter gets too specific with the sides, ask him if he’d prefer his face scrambled or poached with a side of Noguchirage. On the way out, remind him that his Santa hat looks stupid.
1:00pm: Leave work for an hour to attend an arraignment regarding recent events at a County fair. The prepared defense, “but his face was covered in chocolate and he kind of smelled like poo” will not be sufficient to avoid the reckless endangerment of a minor charges stemming from the incident at the water gun game.
2:00pm: Return to work, fresh off of being sentenced to 100 hours of community service. Unleash my rage upon the punching bag. After the stunning display of rage, Bob goes missing. 20 minutes and a four man search party later, we follow the sound of whimpering to find Bob curled up in the fetal position under a couple layers of pillows in the pillow pit.
3:00pm: Investigate the bug that Frankie’s been whining about since 2003: When you select a map that isn’t currently in the build, it crashes your machine. Realize that it would be a simple two lines of code to prevent this in the future. Instead, add a 60 line function giving Frankie's character model a pink ribbon and the call-sign, "G31."
4:00pm: Discuss with Harold the legal obstacles standing between me and my plans to support Sapien and Guerilla post-release by charging Microsoft Points for downloadable themes.
5:00pm: Head over to the kitchen to get a snack. Position a Halo action figure in a suggestive manner in front of the dancing Santa. Bob walks by, and with dancing Santa’s each pelvic thrust, he dies just a little, on the inside.
6:00pm: I do a weekly cleaning of my desk. This involves a metal detector, a snorkel and a contractor.
7:00pm: Time to leave. On the way out, I spot a multiplayer playtest in progress and being that I hate to see others enjoying themselves, I tell bentllama that he is needed in the MP lab. My work here is done.
10:00pm: Sit down with a tall glass of eggnog, already well-lit, and hop on to the Alpha for some High Sea Pimpery. Change my armor to red and green and then, under the guise of testing proximity voice and surround sound, get in a Mongoose honking and singing “Jingle Bells.”