This week Bungie delivered its most crushing defeat in history to the members of PraetoriaGuard. In a single game, “Lord” Gideon’s empire was razed to the ground by the mighty team of Frankie and Lars.
Praetoria Guard brought its clan leader and its pimpest pimp.
LordGideon- Here’s 800 gamerpoints, go ahead and demote yourself to PeonGideon.
SteelValor- “A legit level 2.” We thought they were exaggerating.
Bungie brought its spiritual leader and its most sea-worthy pimp.
Frankie- The Juggernaut, evidently.
Thug Larz- Removed from many a friend list to make room for hawt chix. Sorry.
Game: Team Slayer
Lockout, normal weapons
Game Duration: 14:14
General Tone of Game: Soul-shattering
In this, the one and only game of the Humpday, Frankie and Lars stepped up to the plate in the absence of the usual Bunglers who were otherwise occupied (re: Sea Pimpery) or just complete morons who forgot (re: KP). Frankie and Lars – aka Team Carpool – assembled what may have been the single most dominant team in the history of Humpday matches.
Bungie’s sole strategy in this game was to stick together. Often in a double team match that can make all the difference, especially against another team which neither shares nor counters that strategy. Frankie found the majority of his kills by running around with the close-range weapons like the shotty and sword (hopefully not at the same time). Lars complimented Frankie’s short-range capabilities, wielding a battle rifle or dual combo for much of the game.
LordGideon and SteelValor had no such strategy. Well, that’s not really fair. It’s LordGideon who lacked any sort of strategy, but in SteelValor’s defense he had a strategy which he stuck to throughout the game. He ran directly at the enemy, into whatever area they controlled with all of their power weapons, with his SMG.
In one such instance, Frankie was down in the green room running along when he noticed a radar contact moving along the same path. Figuring that he would have the sword, a combo or something equally capable of dispatching him quickly, he paused right before the opening, at which point SteelValor dropped down as Frankie readied his shotgun. As Steel dropped down with an SMG he switched weapons at the exact time you’d expect a sword-wielder to. However, instead of the sword he busted out the Needler. Truly, he is a special player. We needn’t detail how this encounter ended.
This led to great unrest in the Praetorian empire. Gideon could be heard scolding his clan-mate and long-time friend. Evidently, it is frowned upon to attack a close-range power weapon with only a single Needler. From this point on the game just went further down the spiral. Ultimately, Frankie ended up with 33 kills and the least deaths, single-handedly outscoring and castrating the collective of PraetoriaGuard with his performance. Lars was no slouch either, coming second only to Frankie in most categories. Though he did lead the suicide category.
Bungie wins 50 to 21.
Unfortunately, after this match LordGideon abdicated the throne and PraetoriaGuard and all of its sister clans and sites were dissolved. There were no further matches played, regardless of what Eisen Frei, Smackafied, Bulldog8281 or MaxPayne2004 allege.