In our travels through the various Halo communities, we have found that there are several types of Halo players. Here we list a bunch of them, in a nutshell.


The Dudeguy

Simultaneously the most common yet least conspicuous type of Halo player, the Dudeguy can be found online after a day at school and/or work winding down with a few matches on XBL. The Dudeguy typically logs on with one or more other Dudeguys, often forming a party, and plays largely in customs and unranked or low-level matchmaking. Sadly, the Dudeguy is preyed upon by the baddies of XBL. Fortunately for the Dudeguy, however, he has become proficient at muting and ignoring jerks.

Captain Coolguy

He’s only on the internet to take a break from all the hot babes waiting for him in his bedroom, as his thousands of hours in Halo 2 clearly illustrates. Not only is there a girl, who totally isn't his mom, audible in the background, but he has made it clear that he has %seasonalsport practice tomorrow morning so this is his last game of the night. Should you happen to catch him on a weekend night, he begins to slur his speech for he has packed in a full night of drinking and partying, yet has returned before 7pm. Be especially careful should you happen to run into a pair of Coolguys, they spin such a strong web of lies that they can convince each other the exact extent to which their beans are cooled. With their powers combined they form the pre-eminent force in jerkbaggery.


Ballus Non-Dropus

Hidden deep within the recesses of his parents’ basement, the Ballus Non-Dropus dwells miraculously out of earshot of his potentially allowance-revoking parents. He runs around screaming in an attempt to break the glass windows on Zanzibar. Last week, his parents took away his computer privileges because he wasn’t back in from killing ants immediately after the streetlights turned on. Now he works to make everyone feel his immense sorrow. Also... he wants his mother-blam!- chocolate milk. Truly, his is the life of the hard knocks.

The Angry Psycho

This Halo player typically gives him or herself away in the pregame lobby with a loud, idle threat directed at the first person that says anything. Said threat typically involves several profanities and often-times forcibly placing foreign objects into various orifices. The Angry Psycho’s affliction is present during the game but is most prevalent in the post-game screen when even more threats are dished out based on the material given to him during the game, typically by the troll-feeding Aggro.

The Aggro

The Aggro is similar to the Angry Psycho and oftentimes the line between the two is thin. The key difference is that the Aggro needs to be prompted into action by one of a number of different players but the Angry Psycho is the yin to the Psycho's yang. The Aggro can be cool in a game full of Dudeguys but take care not to provoke him, for not only could he totally take you on in a match of fisticuffs if he “saw you on the street ,” but he also knows this dude who works at Bungie who could totally ban your ass.


The Modder

Nothing screams self-confidence issues like cheating in a game on the internet for the sake of a meaningless number that you know is meaningless because you made it meaningless. Feeble and likely impotent, cheaters spend their weekends scouring the internet for leet nu chetz to unleash upon their next opponents. When it catches up to them soon thereafter, they fruitlessly send Bungie scathing emails threatening lawsuits, boycotts and poor wittle Ninja 0n Fire’s life, unless we remove their well-earned ban. When they’re done with Halo they move on to their next fix. Cheating in Halo 2 is like a gateway cheat, in that manner. It leads to harder mods that lead them deeper down the dark rabbit hole until finally they attempt to chetz the IRS and are never seen again.

Hosthax 'R' Us

This is the kind of person who is so l33t at networking that they can hit the standby button, or better yet they know how to view current connections! Back in the day they even, like, totally had this program on AOL 5.0 that could kick you from the internets. Not only are they thusly hax, but they can even hack into Microsoft and delete the feedback you leave them! Oh wait, no they can’t. After a short time they find themselves in the same position as The Modder: banned from Matchmaking and shocked that Bungie would do such a thing as attempt maintain the integrity of their product.

The Faux Pro

These guys are easily identified. Here’s a quick guide: the more X's, l's and/or 0's they have in their name, the more they suffer from the devastating and socially crippling disease of Faux Pro-ness. They develop this complex from many long nights of gaming with other Faux Pros who eventually rub off on them. As with the Coolguys, Faux Pros often travel in packs and can be seen trolling Team Training, Team Actionsack and other unranked play lists that they can get gross mismatches in. Another behavior indicative of Faux Pros is their tendency to use the term “n00b” and especially the phrase “n00b combo.”

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Quiz Time!

Choose the response that best describes your typical actions. This is 100% scientific, I am a licensed phsyician and these results are conclusive. As you go along, keep a tally of your score by adding the numbers in the parentheses of the answer you choose.

What time do you typically log on?
   - 4pm (3) 
   - 7pm (1) 
   - 10pm (2) 
   - 12am (5) 
   - 2am (8)

You’re in the pregame lobby, you say:
   - “Sup -blam!-es?!?!” (4) 
   - “Raaaaaaaaaaaaaa--” (8) 
   - “How’s it goin’, fellas?” (1) 
   - Nothing. (5) 
   - “Quick, everyone hit Y to check out my rank!” (6)

You get in a Warthog and a gunner hops on, you:
   - Find the quickest route off the map. (3) 
   - Go to the middle of the map to get as many kills as possible… in an objective gametype. (8) 
   - Fly, fly away. (6) 
   - Quote Need for Speed . (2)
   - Park outside their base entrance and hit the magic button. (7)

You get stuck, you say:
   - “That was sweet.” (1) 
   - “That is so BS man I know you’re hackin and I’m gonna hunt you down.” (5)     
   - “OMG HOST” (6) 
   - “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” (3) 
   - “Haha my sis — er, girlfriend thinks that was cool.” (2)

You stick someone, you say:
   - “Oh snap, that’s goin in the montage!” (8) 
   - "That was nothing, you should see me when I’m sober” (2) 
   - “Oh man that was from on top of the map too!” (6) 
   - “Haha maybe if you were moving it’d be harder!” (7) 
   - “Oh dude I stuck you so hard in the –blam!-” (4)

You hate Waterworks, but it comes up in matchmaking, you:
   - Quit. (1) 
   - Quit, but not before killing a teammate or two. (3) 
   - Try to convince your team to stay by telling them that their pistols fire tank rounds. (6) 
   - Follow the one teammate that stays whispering to them your affection for their mom. (4) 
   - Kill the norb in front of you to get the banshee so you can fly off to grab the rockets and sniper. (8)

The game is over, you won. You say:
   - “Don’t bother; we’ll just delete the feedback anyways.” (7) 
   - “-blam!- you! You –blam!-ing –blam!-ers! I will shove my –blam!-ing- blam!- in your –blam!-” (4) 
   - You sing We are the Champions . (8) 
   - “Good game.” (1)
   - “They can take away my Xbox, but they’ll never take… MY STAAAAAATS!” (3)

You are banned from matchmaking for cheating, you:
   - Play split screen with yourself until the ban is up so that your parents don’t catch on. (3)
   - Email Bungie a poorly-written legal threat. (6) 
   - Swear vengeance upon Bungie but only get so far as sending Shishka hate-mail. (5) 
   - Set off to find another 2 month. (7) 
   - Try to PM Frankie because you’ve been telling everyone how tight you two are for so long that you’ve forgotten it’s all a sham. (2)

You get killed when someone blows the fusion cores by the sniper rifle on Lockout, you say:
   - “You n00b! That’s such a n00b thing to do. I’ll 1v1 you!” (8) 
   - “That is lame, man. I’m gonna go pop my collar and hang out at the nearest 7-eleven.” (2) 
   - “That’s such BS man I’m gonna ream you so hard.” (4) 
   - “lawl” (1) 
   - “ZOMG he just killed me without shooting me, you modding son of a -blam!-, throw down. I will punch you in the throat.” (5) 

Someone snags the rockets then gets in the banshee on Ascension, you:
   - Equate him or her to a female dog every time you’re within earshot. (8) 
   - Fire your pistol at him… he dies. (6) 
   - Wear it down with SMGs. (1) 
   - Wait until his banshee’s pointing down, when suddenly everything fades to blue... for them (7) 
   - Quote Top Gun  (2) 

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Now, you should have added up all ten numbers as you went along. Divide that number by 10 and round to the nearest whole number. It should be 1-8, if it’s not, you fail at the maths. Compare your score to the key, the number you have is the gamer you are.

Here’s the key:

1. Dudeguy
2. Coolguy
3. Ballus Non-Dropus
4. The Angry Psycho
5. The Aggro
6. The Modder
7. Host Hax ‘R Us
8. The Faux Pro

While the quiz is functional, it is obviously in no way accurate and entirely for entertainment value. This whole thing is just for fun so don't flip out if it turns out that my quiz says you're a jerk. You may not be. But you probably are.