Humpday: Bungie Vs. Buccaneers!
Posted by Frankie at 3/2/2006 3:58 PM PST

The Humpday Challenge: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

We love football, and even though the season is over, and our own Seahawks got stiffed by the officials, we're still thinking about pigskin every day. So what do football players do for giggles during the offseason? They work out religiously, naturally, they read up on the previous season's intricate strategy and they read lots of famous philosophers to enrich their intellectual growth until the start of the pre-season antics in August. Rumor has it however, that some players can spare precisely one minute per month to play video games.

And that includes the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Thanks to a secret family connection, we had an in with one of the Buccaneers, who claimed that Tampa Bay could take Bungie Bay any day of the week. Although naturally we admire their uniforms...

...and their masculine logo...

...and anything with a pirate theme, we felt very strongly, that we could hand the beatdown to these players (average weight, 300 pounds) and use the safety of distance to talk smack to athletes who could crush us like grapes.

The Bungie Bay Booty Pirates

  • Frankie – Coach
  • Joe Tung - Offensive -blam!-
  • Shishka - Punt Kicker
  • CJ Cowan - Defensive Crack
  • Chris Carney - Wide Retriever
  • Colm Nelson - Running Hack
  • John Butkus - Blocking Animation
  • Zach Russell - Halfcrack
  • Stefan Sinclair - ShaqBack
  • Tom Gioconda - Bride of Chucky
  • Bob Glessner - Waterboy
  • Lee Wilson - Googly for five maidens
  • Allen Murray - Quartersmack

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Scott Jackson
Sean Mahan
Todd Steussie

Jeb Terry
Dewayne White

  • ST Jackson - Scott Jackson #74
  • Mahanimal - Sean Mahan #76
  • NACHO MUIR - Jeb Terry #77 (Bungie Princess says he's the "cutest" one.)
  • steus meat - Todd Steussie #75
  • DLINE90 - Dewayne White #90
  • xGODSxSOLDIERx - Josh Savage #73 (Atlanta Falcons Ringer! And technically the best player on the "Buccaneers!")
  • Chucky - Coach - Did not actually play. Possibly returning from beyond the grave to hunt teenage girls?

* Jeb Terry and and the Falcons' Josh Savage traded places once or twice, and yet Sports Illustrated magazine missed the biggest story of the offseason so far!

GAME 1: Team Slayer
Game Stats
Lockout , normal weapons
Game Duration: 7:32
General Tone of Game : 4th and inches.

The first game featured pretty much Bungie's A-team, with luminaries like Joe Tung, CJ Cowan and Shishka. Everything went great for Bungie until CJ's connection gave up the ghost and he was ejected. Now, before you start thinking that we were a man down and were about to get owned, you should know that in a four on three situation on Lockout, there's no huge disadvantage to the smaller team. The size of the map and the density players are forced to cluster in kind of evens things out. Sure, we have less firepower, but the Buccs have more targets for us to shoot at. But they did take what advantage there was and started to eat into our lead. CJ was gone for about half the battle, and so we spent the second half of the game desperately trying to maintain a slim lead.

The Buccaneers tried to hold the grav lift, or as we like to call it, the Grenade Hole. We reckon that if they'd tried to hold the sniper tower, they may have eaten into our lead more, or even won. We should point out that at this stage, we realized that these were not spoiled athletes, but rather disciplined team mates who were going to give us a lot of problems. As the next two game demonstrated perfectly. CJ would like to point out however, that even having biffed out halfway through the game, he still scored 20% of our kills.

Final Score: 50 to 36 - Bungie wins the first match, recovering from the loss of a man to hold things down.

GAME 2: Team Slayer
Game Stats
Burial Mounds , normal weapons
Game Duration: 6:15
General Tone of Game : Disastrous turnover.

So there were a lot of Bungie guys waiting in the wings to take a shot at the Buccs. Some of them loved the Buccs and some of them had personal grudges for specific matches gone by. So we fielded a completely new team for the second game. Was it a good team? If you mean stout of heart and straight of spine, then yes, it was a good team. If you mean skilled at Halo 2, then there are some significant questions to be asked. Those questions include classics like, "WTF?" and "Why is Carney shooting JB?" and "Why are JB and Carney humping each other?" Our lack of organization, some team in-fighting and the Buccaneers excellent marksmanship meant that this was an unholy hammering from which there was no respite.

They handed us a beating of legendary proportions. In fact, the NFL could do one of those gritty NFL movies, with over saturated color, military sounding music and a really melodramatic voice over. It would say things like, "The Bungie Bay Booty Pirates never stood a chance, as the Buccaneers lined them up and executed them one by one."

In the end, we felt more like a panicked crowd running from a sniper in a bell tower than a cohesive squad. They pinned us down and mercilessly smashed our brains out with snipers, battle rifles and all manner of fissile and missile horror.

Final Score: 50 to 16! The Buccaneers take it in a rout.

GAME 3: Team Slayer
Game Stats
Ascension , normal weapons
Game Duration: 6:51
General Tone of Game: Goal line scramble.

So after the hammering we got in the last game, we'd partially resigned ourselves to a loss. With that in mind, we let as many of the folks waiting in the wings play as possible. That included Bob the new guy (Jejor), and Lee Wilson (Phlegm Brulee) who is English and doesn't understand football, even though he played for Europe's worst team - the London Silly Nannies. But just because he doesn't understand football, doesn't mean he doesn't understand Halo. In fact, Lee was able to use his cricket skills (probably) to muster the effort required to hold off the Buccaneers.

It was horribly, horribly close though. Joe Tung was the leading scorer (even though he has the most outrageously unsuitable clan name ever) and without his extra points, we'd have lost for sure. David Candland brought up the rear, and we squeaked a narrow victory to clinch the series. The end result was sphincter-tighteningly close. And you all know from experience that 45-45 has a nasty habit of magically turning 50-45 in a split second. This one got so close that we even stopped talking. There's a fine line between fun tension and scary tension. We were definitely in the ass-clenching zone.

Final Score: 50 to 48. It was close. But in the end, Bungie beat the Buccs. And this time nobody can blame the officiating.

Anyway, the upshot of all this was that the Tampa Bay organization is represented by some stellar Halo skills. A big thanks to the guys for playing. Those guys are out there with their REAL gamertags (don't even bother sending them friend invites) owning folks day in and day out. And so next time you feel tempted to talk smack to an anonymous player, remember, there's a significant chance he's a 320 pound offensive lineman...

Next Challenge: The Denver Broncos?! Marge, you just don't understand football...

Top 10: Online Multiplayer Console Games 

Posted by urk at 11/3/2010 9:21 AM PDT

ScrewAttack shows us some love.

If you're not familiar with what ScrewAttack does, it's about time you got acclimated. And what better way to introduce yourself than with a video where they sing our praises? Bam!

Cover your ears if you aren't into naughty language. Thanks to HBO for pointing us in the right direction.

Tags: Halo 2 (Xbox)


Backwards From Dawn, Part 1 

Posted by urk at 4/20/2010 9:17 AM PDT

I Hardly Knew Thee...

Forward Unto Dawn is taking a look back at Halo 2 with a fresh perspective. Get your own eyes on at the jump below. Thanks to HBO for the heads up (and the bandwidth).

I Hardly Knew Thee...

Tags: Halo 2 (Xbox)


One Final Effort 

Posted by urk at 4/16/2010 1:51 PM PDT

There are those who said this day would never come...

Read Full Top Story

Tags: Halo 2 (Xbox)



Posted by urk at 4/15/2010 10:10 AM PDT

Halo 2 is still going strong!

Looks like the Xbox LIVE team has yet to flip the switch. Halo 2 is still online and operational. If you're looking to get some last minute games in, now's the time - there's no telling when it's going down!

Tags: Halo 2 (Xbox)


Walshy's 2nd - Halo 2 Montage 

Posted by urk at 4/15/2010 9:19 AM PDT

Goodbye to you.


"This is the amazing Walshy's second montage on youtube. No description needed, but I'll give one anyway. Walshy is an amazing Halo 2 player, and is on one of the best teams, Final Boss, with players like him, Ogre 1, Ogre 2, and Strongside. This montage is a very honest montage with great editing and gameplay. Many snipes, sticks, multikills, and no scopes etc. I hope you enjoy it and leave a comment for me to read!?"

YouTube - Walshy - 2nd Halo 2 Montage

Tags: Halo 2 (Xbox)



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